Mine does the exact same thing. He is just trying to get a rise out of you. When mine wouldn't confirm, I finally started writing back later and saying, "Since you have not confirmed when you are picking up the kids despite my direct inquiries, they will not go with you at all. Thank you." I did that at Christmas time after several vague emails. And then I didn't send them. (Let him complain to the court--just let him!) I try to be cooperative always and he is just complaining the whole time. This is just who they are. They will use any and every possibility to twist things around and make us look crazy or bad. The most straight-forward and mundane things they try to turn into war.

DON'T take the bait! It's not worth it!!!

You're dealing with a 4 year old.

So give him a choice between the Red Shirt or Blue Shirt, then add I need to know by noon two weeks from now. If I don't hear from you, it will be schedule A.

Rather than think of him as manipulating you. Think of it as him being unable to manage complicated choices.

My suggestion is to try to do all arrangements about the kids over e-mail or text, so you have it in writing. Then when he tries the crazy making twisting of facts, you can copy/paste his own words right back to him. Good luck, and try to look at not responding as saving your own energy, not as letting him "win".

I would say to go with reply #2. Don't give him the space to cause a fight. Spell it out for him. "Either go with option A or option B. If you do not confirm then I'm going to go with option A."

I totally understand the frustration. They are such dicks! The last time I contacted the ex was over two years ago. I asked for some proof of him having complied with one of the agreed upon stipulations in the property settlement in the divorce decree. His reply was snotty & sarcastic with a promise to follow thru w/in a couple of days.

I'm still waiting! Well, not really. I decided it wasn't worth allowing him to have that power.

I agree w/everyone's comments. My suggestion is similar to Patti's. Email him and tell him since he isn't agreeing to anything INCLUDING HIS OWN SUGGESTED DATES, these are the dates and if you don't hear back from him by (date), then the visit is off. NO EXCEPTIONS. Then on the CC line, copy EVERYTHING to your attorney so the ex is sure to see that you aren't pussyfooting around.

MTC's idea is pretty good.

Personally, I would have just stuck to documenting ALL correspondence with him just in case you need to use any of it as proof later. But sending a CC to your attorney would probably be even better. It also shows him that you're not going to put up with his BS.

I agree with MTC's comment. Take the legal tack. Don't respond emotionally to him, it will just make you feel bad. Maybe write him a long nasty note and then burn it. Set boundaries. Stick to them. Do your plans, not his. If he doesn't like it, he can throw a fit. He's already doing that. What's to lose?

Except, he's not 4, he's more like 2. And with regrets to all legitimate toddlers, who can't help themselves.

Since you've reached this new milestone, he is doing what every child does--test the boundaries. If you don't set them, he will. So you need to do that. You're the adult in the room. Just think of it that way, if that helps.

Thank you for the replies! I really needed the strength yesterday, and I made it! I have decided to just not reply at all, move forward, and do my own thing with holidays. If he wants to see the kids he can organize it.

Unfortunately I don't have an attorney. I had one, at the beginning of the divorce, and she had a breakdown / was unable to continue working. I can't make this stuff up.

I do only communicate with him via email and I save EVERYTHING. I learned that early on. It is so tempting to hit delete, but I have found that setting up a special folder in my email (mine is labelled "a--hole") gives me a place to just dump everything connected to him. I can hit a button and get it out of my sight, which feels satisfying. But it's also all saved there in case I need it.

Anyway thank you again! I see lots of journaling ahead for me this week.

Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time. It's hard when someone wants to put the blame on you all the time. Then add kids into the mix and it makes the situation even more difficult, as they are the ones that can end up suffering. I see this all the time with my niece and it drives me mad. Have you attempted phone conversations? I can't imagine from what you say they would go much better, yet it would give you the opportunity to make immediate changes and not have to wait for a response.

Was there a custody agreement with the divorce decree?

If so, just stick to that.

It's what I do to avoid any conflict with my ex.

They enjoy pushing your buttons, love to argue, get greater enjoyment if you become frustrated or angry, and will continue this abusive manipulation as long as you engage in it. It is a punishing power play and they are only able to feel in control by throwing things sideways in your world. Rosenkranz gave wonderful advice on how to handle this.

Not to drag this post back up from the dead but I need some additional ideas.

Our divorce decree lays out minimums we have to meet for his visits, but we were told repeatedly by lawyers, our neutral, and our judge that if we agreed on something different, that was great. The decree is only to be referred to if we can't come to a decision.

SO I originally made a suggestion about the schedule based on our decree.

He responded and insisted on something different.

I agreed to change to his plan, but when I asked him to confirm, he would not.

Now it is weeks later and he is insisting that we do Easter by the decree - what I had originally proposed!

I changed my plans already once to accommodate him, and I don't want to again. I've got time and energy and money all invested in this holiday. I want to put my foot down and say, no, this is what you asked for, we're doing it this way. But if he decides to be awful - which he will because it's what he does - he could bring the police out here and take the kids based on the decree. I don't want that.

Ideas? Better to give in and keep the peace or make him hold to his previous decision, which I have in writing?

Honestly, I'd stick to the decree. All. The. Time.

The more he thinks he can wheel and deal with that legal document, the more you're going to twist in the wind... Remember- there's a reason you divorced in the first place.

Email him saying that from now on, the decree is word and bond.

That's why it's there to begin with... it settles all arguments. So don't even invite any... always say, "Sorry; we're sticking with the decree." End of discussion.

Even if it seems to benefit both sides to change it, you see what he does...

Stick to the paperwork.

Forgot to add... this IS a way for him to abuse you...

You can't have NC with him, but the next best thing is to only say,
"We're sticking to the court ordered schedule."

Then only keep writing that in response. Don't talk on the phone about it. Don't justify it.

Then, if he gets difficult, next time, Cc your and your ex's lawyers' and the judge in it!

Exert your control. Set up boundaries and do NOT budge.

It's the only way for him to get the message that his attempts to manipulate you are NOT going to work!

hugs

"The decree is only to be referred to if we can't come to a decision. "

If you can't get to an attorney before, then I would stick to the decree & give in this time.

HOWEVER, I would definitely consult several attorneys using their offers of free consultations. Since you have everything in writing, show the attorneys the documentation and see what they say. That will give you an idea of where you stand legally. I would also ask them if he did bring the police to your house & you showed the police the documentation showing you were going by the decree in good faith, what the police are legally obligated to do.

Then ask the attorneys, if you are w/in your legal rights to fall back on the degree if he continues to pull what he did this time. Ask if, after the first time he changes or fails to agree, can you legally tell him, "no, we're going by the decree because you reneged on our mutual decision and that means we can't come to a decision." (or something to that effect - even ask them for better more legal wording)


Otherwise, because he's an abuser, he's going to continually do this to you. So, if there's a legal way you can consistently invoke the decree, then he will have to abide by it. i.e. the best defense is a good offense. By doing that you're legally turning the tables on him.

And you're teaching him that its not ok to treat you AND the kids this way. (And his behavior IS affecting the kids.)



Be consistent w/that and should he bring the police, then you will have the paperwork to prove you follow the letter of the law.