I've been there, Joanie. Not a fun place. And I know that more than anything, I just wanted someone to listen to me, and second, to care that I was hurting.

Well, we want to listen - I promise you can't get too grim or dark for me, at least - I don't recall if you were around for all my earlier posts, but I didn't hold back with the graphic imagery, trying to make myself understood. And second, we care that you're hurting. You are a kind and generous soul who has been as put upon as anyone else here - if not more - and you don't deserve it.

For me, I made a deal with God. Something was happening according to his plan, and I hated to go home early if He still had work for me to do. I promised Him I wouldn't run from His plan if He promised to take me the instant He was ready for me to rest. So I prayed every night that he would take me in my sleep, and I sobbed every morning that I woke up. And I broke ties with my past, and had others broken for me, and I still get weirdly relaxed when I see another car racing towards me, and it still sucks - but I don't cry in the mornings anymore.

Make yourself a list of things to do before you go. Be a shame not to have a nice, long walk before you rest. Or a last meal. Or one last hot shower, a conversation with a loved one, time with your horse, maybe that one tv show or movie you never got around to watching. Never going to get another chance. And then do it all. Every single time you feel like you need to, do them all. Most of the time, depression gets bored easy, and all it takes to take the edge off is a little time. DO what you have to to go five more minutes, then five minutes more.

We're here for you if you need us - we want to listen, to help, and we do care. And I, for one, would be quite sad to think of no more messages from you. Don't give the bastards the satisfaction of beating you.

Sweet, sweet Joanie...I AM A SURVIVOR of trying to kill myself...Boy am I glad I am ALIVE...It's a very scary place to be...I understand exactly where you are and let me tell you sista...After surviving, I was reborn...I am telling you from deep down in my soul, it is NOT worth it. Take the thoughts write them on a piece of paper and light it on fire...you are now reborn as well...the ashes you wipe away are the life you almost were willing to lose. And I'm sorry to say, it's time to get your hands dirty my friend!!!!!
Elena is spot on...get yourself to the hospital and tell them how you are feeling...or tell your therapist or counselor. They have to recommend that you either go to and In Center (thats what I did) or Groups 3 days a week for a few months (I did that too!) I got as much help as I could...and I am still in therapy...and I loved every minute of my stay and the groups...I met the most kind and caring people. It was the most humbling experience I have ever had!!!
I know you don't feel important right now...but know that God made you for a reason, you are perfect in his eyes, he has you right where he wants you... Don't question it, its at his pace not yours...you will see! Oh and of course, YOU are important to us...I love coming online and reading your posts...YOU are very smart and loving...You matter to me very much and I would feel an extreme hole in my heart if you left me!

I am praying for you my friend...YOU WILL BE OK...I just know it...xo
If you feel the need to PM me I am here for you...big soft hugs...

I just wanted to reply and thank everyone for the outpouring of support. I feel I should thank each of you individually but honestly I am just feeling so shut down right now. Nothing to do with anyone on the board..just tired and numb. I am sorry I posted this as its really my own struggle and I did not mean to worry anyone.
If the administration or moderators would like to remove this post and go back to business as usual, I understand. This is a place for support not upsetting people. Again, I apologize.

Joanie, I'm glad you posted because, as you said, this is a place for support, and we can't support you if you don't let us know you need support.

And while it's always appreciated to be thanked for our support, speaking for myself, it's not necessary to individually thank each person individually. You thanked us all here. It's more important to take good care of yourself.

Big hugs!!!!!!!

I always struggled with that - the doctors and therapists would tell me to talk to someone if I felt that way, the depression (and the jerks I was around) told me to keep it to myself and not bother people with it. The doctors were right - the people who agreed with the depression would have gotten me killed. Talk. It's a huge part of the cure. And yes, you deserve to heal.

Joanie -----

I'm ssssoooooo sorry
I'm late to this thread!

Hon ----

twenty years ago, after a
lifetime of abuse, I was
suicidally depressed. I
spent six months planning
how I'd do it. At the time, I
was waiting for some tests
that would tell me whether
or not I had breast cancer,
and I was hoping they'd
come back positive!

(They came back negative
and I ended up being really,
really glad that I didn't have
cancer, and that I hadn't
taken my life.)

Please, please, PLEASE
get to a therapist with
whom you feel comfortable
and at least explore ways
to get to a healthier place.

Please feel free to P.M.
me. I'd be happy to send
you my phone number, if
you want to talk with someone.

Life can be better. It doesn't
feel worthwhile to you right
now, but it can be better.

Please don't hurt yourself.
You are a precious soul.
Don't hurt yourself. Life
can be better.

I am ok. I am strong. As I said, I have made it many years without trying suicide and that attempt was after a divorce, death of my mother, loss of a job I had had for years, loss of a horse I loved, and failed engagement and literally being ostracized from my family for a year. Things just built up I suppose. I should of been stronger I guess.
I do appreciate everyone reaching out, but if I can't even talk to a therapist about things that happened to me that are too shameful or dark to bring up, I don't know how to get past this other than sucking it up and moving on, like I have been.
As for anti depressants, I have tried 2 different kinds, so if my insurance ever gets straightened out, I will give the dr a call and see if there is some relief there.
For now, I am basically keeping it together, going to work as usual as I need my job, and avoiding people so that I don't break down crying in front of them. I never liked to show that weakness in front of anyone, maybe cause we were taught as kids not to cry by my dad. I didn't even show tears at my Mother's funeral. You get pretty good at crying inside.
For all who have felt like this, I am so sorry. I am glad you were able to overcome it. Hugs to everyone.

""""Maybe its in the hope that someone who has anything left or anyone left to cling to..will take the steps to get free. That is my hope for all who are abused..hope and peace. """"

If you commuted suicide what message would that give out to those who you want to help?

I believe you genuinely have a good soul and a caring heart. Well in fact I know this because I've been here a while and come to read many of your posts and replies.

You'll do what ever you decide to do, I don't want you to end your life, neither do others here but my honest opinion is this...help others... Help them!!! But stay to prove that there is light at the end of the tunnel how ever hard it is to get there. Fight and keep fighting and show the future generations of victims of abuse that you can overcome abuse, that they do not have to allow abuse to be their life nor the reason to end their lives!

It is not over, like I said, suicide is a choice, a decision but do is beating and winning abuse! You can choice to give up or choice to fight, ultimately the choice is an individual preference!

I need to read up to date on this thread and possibly add more, but I had to comment straight away because my dad, he killed himself when I was 16 and believe me, it will effect members of your family and friends (sorry but even us because we care for you!). I just want you to see what happens in the aftermath of suicide, it honestly does effect people.

Joanie
Please know you are not alone. We care about each other here and have all suffered some pretty bad times. Please don't apologize for reaching out. Talking does help. It helps get all the thoughts racing around in your head, out in the open. Journaling is also very helpful so when you're having a low day, go back and read your thoughts and responses of support from your friends here.

If you feel you can't talk to your therapist, please find another one. It's no reflection on you, how many therapists you go thru. It is a very personal choice - like finding a doctor. You have to feel that connection, and a safety so you can open up to them.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk, vent or whatever. Don't be ashamed. Talk about these things and don't stuff them down inside. It's not healthy for you.

Sending strength, courage and hugs, please hang in there and continue to reach out. We're here for you :)

Kaz, I did not mean to upset anyone. I am very sorry about your father. I am not close with my family, I work for them and that's about it. They have their own lives. I don't have friends or a boyfriend now. My mother passed. I have no children.
I really feel it might be best if this post was taken down if it is triggering anyone. That was not my intent. Moderators if its possible I ask that you delete or close this thread as I don't wish to harm anyone. I was foolish to even put my thoughts on here. I apologize. :(

gosh joanie time to think outside the box!

take a piece of paper and a pen or pencil or coal or lipstick or whatever the heck you have and pick one of those deep dark secrets and draw. a shape, a color, a symbol, a stick figure, something that represents this deep shame to you. then take the paper and fold it and put it somewhere save and hidden. a drawer a box anywhere. somewhere where you can take it off your shoulders and leave it somewhere and you will attend to it later when you're not so hurting.

do it for one or for all, but anything you can't tell a person, tell the paper. draw any way you want to, but the more you focus and concentrate on the feelings each secret brings up as you draw, the more of the pain you will pull out.

if you do more than one, put each folded paper in a separate spot. it untangles them and makes them more manageable, and you will be able to not be overwhelmed because you can view them one by one.

and then as you put each one away, breathe a goodbye and visualize letting each one go. because these secrets are killing you, and you need to cut them out like a disease. get them out, and please try this. it works. and you have nothing to lose. they are choking you and you need to breathe.

try it. it works. i'm telling you. and you're worth it.

Great idea Vern! It's like when people say to write a letter to an ex, get everything out, but Don't send it. Burn it. Rip it. Throw it away. But the exercise gets it out.
Great concept here too. Thanks!

No I wasn't upset at all Hun, I was just letting you know that even thou u don't think you'd be missed, you would that's all, honestly I wasn't the slightest bit upset by this thread xxx

And when I said its your desicion with what u do I was coming from a place where I fully understand its an individual choice because that's how I found my peace with what my dad did, it was his choice. But on the flip side, life does go on and things do change. Maybe if my dad would have known he'd have three granddaughters he would have seen that better days where to come and although I know u have no children, life goes on and there will most likely be new opportunities in your life that you don't know about just yet. You could meet new friends, even one day meet a nice partner, it is possible. But when your so depressed you can't see it like that but is doesn't mean it's not likely to happen because it is very likely. You have to stay around and wait for it though! Good things can happen if u give them a chance!

I read a book recently... dont remember the name but it began with a long list of how we really do affect others. it starts with your home... if you didnt live there someone else would so you are affecting someone else. If you didnt own or drive your car someone else could. if you didnt have your job someone else would. if you werent on the road that car behind you wouldnt have to stop so far back.
they are not major things but you DO affect others. YOU are important.
It has been a long time since i had any suicidal thoughts but i remember how much easier i thought it would be.
please continue to pray and maybe research
hugs