hi Joanie.

You are one of the reasons that i feel comfortable coming to this forum, for what that is worth.

i also understand the comfort in making a suicide plan. the rationale behind it as well.

but, i have a feeling that you won't incur any more abuse..and that now, maybe you are here to be a friend. i don't want to see you hurting though. not sure where you live..but if you were close by..or even a good drive...i'd come and take you out to lunch and we would have coffee and talk and laugh.

some days are harder than others. please, i'm not sure exactly what to say but i'm here for you. i know that you are an animal lover and in my book that makes you Aok!!! Next time you see that beautiful horse of yours please give him/her a kiss from your friend Elena in NJ.

Please don't do anything like that, Joanie!!! We all love you on here!

I'm so sorry, and I know words are just words, but... it makes me so sad to hear you say that :( I haven't known you very long, but I already know you are an extremely kind, caring, interesting, fun, and intelligent person! There are so many people in the world who will appreciate your presence and all those wonderful things about you. I look forward to your posts because I know there is going to be something sweet and brilliant about every one - and there never fails to be :)

Please, please... just don't. Don't let them win. You've survived! That's HUGE!! Just promise me that you will talk to us instead, whenever those feelings come up?

You inspired me to start my own thread, enquiring about food, LOL!

Please hang on... you are so important. Loads of hugs xxx

Joaniesle,
You are coming for help bc you're tired and weary. You mentioned hope several times and I think it is what you crave.

Have someone be your accountability partner. When you have thoughts like these it would be good to have someone to talk to.

You mentioned therapy didn't help. I have had several counselors who didn't help me but I have found some who have. There is help out there that can give you the support you need.

800-273-8255 is a suicide prevention line. Another line you can call is the Samaritans at 212-673-3000. You can also call 800-A FAMILY but their hours are 6 am- 8pm MT weekdays. This is free counseling and due to volume of calls they will need to call you back after you leave your number, typically within a few hours. Have used them as a resource myself several times.

You want to be heard so keep posting! HUGS!!!! God sees you!!

I second all of the others. I have enjoyed your posts very much since you have been back on the board more recently. You are such a kind and caring person and don't seem to be able to see your own worth. Please hang in there. There is always hope.

Joanie, Your sadness and pain come through your words and I'm sorry you are in such a dark place right now. You've been a supportive friend on here for me and I think about you when i'm not on here, wondering what kind of day you're having. I urge you to get help to pull yourself out of the depression. It scares me for you that you've thought about arrangements for your animals and such. I think you need to try another therapist, one that does not work in the same building with that "friend" who meddled in your stuff. Maybe try an antidepressant, or switch if you're already on one. Many hugs and good wishes for you, and please call one of those hotlines or go to your ER if you feel that you're going to hurt yourself. xx

I appreciate everyone being kind. Perhaps the "friend " diagnosed me correctly and I am bipolar, antisocial and schizophrenic. Maybe that is why I isolate, prefer not to go to bars or around crowds. I looked up if insurance pays out to beneficiary in cases of suicide and it looks like there is a clause that you have to have said insurance for over 2 years. Our work ins which are life was through was cancelled last month. Not sure if I could reinstate and they would honor all the years I have had it or not? I just want the 3 people I cared about most in my life to realize I loved them, even though I turned out to be a failure. As my father said "Your mother would roll over in her grave if she could see who you have become."
I can't help her anymore but the financing would sure help my ex husband and younger brother.
Looks like insurance companies dont even fight fair..if you paid in the money, they ought to not have such clauses.
I am just tired.

Don't listen to your father. And calling insurance companies in order to kill yourself isn't productive, I've thought about it but never inquired..I'm thinking that a program may help, hospital out patient. I went when I was feeling suicidal. It was for 3 months, 9am-3pm. There were workshops, group counseling, lots of self esteem building. My health insurance covered it, but charity care may also. The psychiatrist will tweak your meds as well. It is worth considering. Message me if u want me to tell you more.

sending you hugs and love. May you have peace today.

I second Elena's advice. Don't listen to your father. I got away from mine because he was an abuser, and he pushed me out the frying pan into the fire when I went to him for help because my boyfriend (later husband) had hit me the first time.

You seem like you had a really close relationship with your mother, and I bet you anything she would be pleased as punch with the beautiful woman you have become. You honour her memory in such touching ways... you have fulfilled your wish of being her legacy in our eyes :)

Please don't let your father's comments grind you down. You are a wonderful human being - you just had really bad luck, like all of us!

Loads of hugs again. Try to get lots of rest and there are great support suggestions above xxx

Joanie, I wish you the strength to continue on and to accept the good, beautiful person you are. Leave your father and his negativity behind and move forwards, loving yourself and realizing your value - you ARE worthy.

joanie, did you honestly start this post with "sorry to bother anyone?" did you really just walk into this room staring at the floor and wringing your hands and apologize because you want to die?

joanie on behalf of everyone on this site, and everyone on this planet and everyone in this universe, WE are sorry you want to die. WE are sorry that you are broken so badly that all you can think about are people who can benefit financially from your death, although those people do nothing to combat the feeling that you have no one. it is unjust, it is a symbol of all that is crappy in the world.

but i feel like the money is a message somehow, like you feel the people who receive it should know something. do you want them to feel guilty for not being kinder? do you want them to be sorry? i would. i would want them to cry themselves to death for letting me hurt until i disappeared. i would want that money to burn a hole right through them, but you know, i got a rage thing. that's me. but you do want them to know something, it wouldn't be so important to you now if it was just money. what is it? i don't have the answer, but i know it's a lot easier to convey information when you're still alive. sometimes that information can be wrapped around a brick and thrown through a window, for instance. easier if you're alive.

you wanted us to know something as well, or you wouldn't have posted. what is it? is it that you really want someone to give you a reason to stick around? is it that you're hoping someone will read your mind because a person who apologizes for being sad to blackness sure as HELL doesn't feel they have the right to say "pull me up, i'm drowning"?

don't you want to know what it feels like to want to fight to stay alive? don't you want to know what it feels like to feel worthy?

finding the answers to those questions seems like a pretty interesting interesting reason to stay in the game another day, and this day you posted and asked for help, and got love in return. maybe that's your first step towards loving yourself enough to let the prayer and antidepressants and therapy and everything else work. maybe today's the day you threw out one more distress call on your way out the door and we answered, and everything changed. but you'll never know if you don't stay in the rodeo.

Joanie, before you do anything else, if you are on an anti-depressant or anything that affects how the mind works, PLEASE get to your dr right away and tell them. MANY prescription drugs cause suicidal thoughts and worse.

I wish I could put my arms around you and look you in the eyes and say, Joanie my friend, you are such a beautiful soul! You deserve to live a life filled w/love and joy.

Please know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

It could be that you need a second, third or fourth opinion as to your diagnosis and, if you're taking any, a re-evaluation of your meds. I would NOT listen to your friend. I would go to an objective and much healthier therapist.

I know you are tired and in pain and I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could say there was a magic pill that would fix it. I can't. But I can say there is hope. There are lots of different therapies and meds and combinations of both that will get you to a place where you feel better and see life as worth living. Please reach out to another therapist(s) & your medical dr for some well deserved relief.

((((((((((((((Joanie))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are having these terrible feelings :(

I agree with everyone else's living statements. We cherish you in this communtiy. We'd all be devastated to find out something happened to you. Please reach out to p e of your friends here or me if you'd like to talk.

I think you are strong to have come here to share this
You don't want it to be this way and you've been fighting an uphill battle. You can beat these feelings I know it. You are always posting such insightful opinions and I think deep down you know how you can overcome this. It's going to take longer than we want to heal but you are on this forum. I believe you have the tools needed to ward off an abuser of you should ever encounter one again.

Wishing you love and hug!

I just put it together from the comments that you were the one with the therapist office issues.

You haven't been dealt a fair hand but success is the sweetest revenge. If you give up they win.

I also agree about looking into the med thing. Stuff can mess with you that you don't even realize.

You are a gentle sweet soul. We all want you here along side of us!!

Joanie,

I am so sorry for the hurt and pain you are feeling right now. I know life seems insurmountable and like nothing will never change... That these thoughts will never go away. Nothing lasts forever, including these thoughts.

What are the things that are making you want to die? I am asking because I genuinely want to help you. I have been where you are at. Exactly where you are at. And I know you are serious. I know you are hurting right now... And I am stretching my hand out to you asking you to take it...

Love...