It's been 2 months since I've gone no contact with my ex. It has been difficult and I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times I thought about calling him or had messages ready to text him. Things were not good when I was with him but at least I knew how to deal with it and I knew what to expect. Suddenly I was trying to figure out what I felt and was so frustrated with myself because of how everyone else thought I needed to feel and I just couldn't get there. 

I've spent the last 2 months really trying to work on myself and try to find myself again. I've made so much progress. I look back on the past 6 years and I don't even recognize that girl anymore. I know that I still have a long way to go, especially on days like today when I'm missing him. 

I don't miss the drunken phone calls at 3 AM or the empty suicidal threats. I don't miss the lying or the cheating. I don't miss crying for days thinking something was wrong with me because he couldn't bother to pickup his phone and I really don't miss trying to hide bruises and the countless excuses I was always making for him. 

I guess I struggle the most with knowing he did those things and knowing all of the terrible things he is capable of but yet I still miss him. I miss the boy I met in high school with dreams bigger than the sky and a burning passion for what he does. I miss the guy that was always the life of the party and was always making things okay. I can see the person that he can be and it breaks my heart that he's fighting so hard to not be that person. 

I know that deep down he is a great person and he has a huge heart. But life and alcohol have a way of turning a good man into something he shouldn't be. It's hard to watch someone destroy their life and turn everything into a train wreck and not be able to do anything to help them.

As much as I love him, I can't let him continue to destroy me too. I can't sit back and tell him it's okay when he comes stumbling in angry and bitter and chokes me to the point of unconciousness for no reason other than it was just me. 

It's hard to wrap my head around and it's hard to understand all the different emotions that come along with this. Anger. Hurt. Disappointment. Relief. Empty. Happiness. Confusion on why I'm feeling the way I am and frustration because I shouldn't be feeling this way and I shouldn't miss him but I will not allow myself to go back there. Missing him doesn't mean he gets to be apart of my life again.