Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
During my time here on DS, many of us have encouraged those thinking about leaving, even if it was just wishful thinking, to first make a SAFE exit plan. Below is a copy paste from Belleruth Naparstek's (LISW) blog.
And, under that are a few links from posts here on DS that provide other information that you might find helpful as you are thinking about leaving, planning to leave or even just wishing you could.
Exit Tactics: How to Safely Skip out on Your Abuser
by Belleruth Naparstek in Update from Belleruth
http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/exit-tactics-how-to-safely-skip-out-on-your-abuser.html
"October is a lot of things – among them Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So it’s time to remind you of some important info on how to leave an abuser and still stay safe, because that is indeed a dangerous time.
That's when the violent partner is most enraged, feels there’s nothing to lose, and is at his or her most murderous. In fact, more than 70% of the killings that happen in these relationships are going to happen then.
So your exit must be carefully planned in advance in the most sneaky, tactical, top-secret way possible. This advice may seem completely paranoid, but when your partner believes he or she owns you and has the right to repo and punish you for the outrageous crime of acting like an autonomous human being – this is simple common sense, just like “Look both ways before you cross the street”.
So, here are some pre-escape strategies: [anything in brackets is something I’ve added]
* Get some support in place. Tell a trusted, tight-lipped relative or friend, what's going on and enlist their help. [Make sure the friend isn’t his friend too. It is CRITICAL that this person won’t tell him.] You can also get help planning your exit at a local shelter; or call a trained advisor at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. (If you think your computer is under surveillance, best to call them at 800−799−7233, but right after the call, be sure to call someone or something else, so when your abuser hits the redial button, he won’t be any the wiser.
[Make sure the abuser hasn't put spyware on your computer or a gps on your cell phone. You can do that by taking your computer to an office supply store or a computer repair shop, etc. where they will do a check. Change your passwords frequently and delete your cookies and history every time you turn off your computer. If you don't know how to do that, just do a search "how to delete cookies in -your browser name- then do the same search for history and cache.]
* Prearrange a plan with your designated ally for when you're in danger, using a code word you can innocently say or text, to signal you're in trouble; or you can leave a porch light on or a shade up or some other predetermined sign that something is wrong.
* Set up a secret account and start stashing away money whenever you can. You’ll need a post office box so the bank statements can come there instead of your house. If it's cash, hide it in a locker at work or at your ally's house, or in a safe deposit box.
* [If you don’t have a credit card in YOUR name ONLY, get one, even if its just for a small amount. Don't use it a lot, just enough to establish that you will pay off what you owe. So once every few months, you can charge just a little then then pay it off in full if you can. This is so you can begin to establish your own good credit, if you haven’t already. Keep the card in your safe deposit box so he won't know you have it.]
* Get an emergency bag ready in case you have to leave quickly. It should have an extra set of keys, your ID, cash, credit cards, title to the car, a spare cell phone, clothes and shoes for you and the kids, their immunization records, a list of phone numbers for your friends, family, schools, MD’s, and the local shelter. [Also make sure you have a extra supply of any meds you and your children take, as well as sundries, extra money, etc. in case you have to leave suddenly. Keep this where the abuser can't find it - like at a TRUSTED friend or relative's house.]
* Keep an extra car key with you, and start making a habit of backing into your driveway, locking all doors except the driver’s.
* Start recording in a journal to document the dates and nature of the abuse, including emails, threats by text and photos that serve as evidence. This must be stashed in a safe place. [Also go back and write down everything you can remember w/approximate dates. This may help establish a pattern and help you if you have to go to court.]
* Track your abuser's patterns and schedule, so you know the safest times to leave, choosing a time when he won’t realize you're gone for a while.
* Know ahead of time where to go if you have to leave quickly. If it’s the house of a relative or friend, make sure you have the key. If you go to a shelter, they can provide you with supplies, services, resources and planning.
Next week I’ll cover some post-exit tactics – equally critical to your safety!"
*End of blog*
In addition, here are some links to posts on DS that offer more suggestions and other pertinent information about the aspects of leaving and self care.
When is it time to leave? This is a post I wrote a long time ago and was saddened by all of the responses. However, each person added something that needs to be read by those of you thinking about leaving, even it you’re JUST WISHING YOU COULD LEAVE!
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/when-is-it-time-to-lea_3
This is a highly effective exercise you can do to see in writing what's happening to you and that its not ok.
Ilene's Clarifying Index Card Exercise
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse
Focus on self care and self love
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/focusing-on-self-love-amp-self-care
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/what-we-focus-on-expands-practicing-self-care
Questions to ask a potential therapist
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/questions-to-ask-a-potential-therapist
Trauma Bonding
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/trauma-bond_10
What is Physical Abuse? (It's more than you think.)
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/examples-of-physical-abuse
Even if you think no one will understand or believe you, know that some will and some won't, but there are many who will. I just takes you making the continued effort to keep looking and asking. Abuse affects how we think and how our brain works, so we can't always see all of the options available to us. This is a link that discusses why we can't always see the forest for the trees.
This is the link to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. http://www.thehotline.org/
This link, among other things, offers descriptions of non-physical abuse. Know that abuse is abuse is abuse and no kind of abuse is ok.
Their number is 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
Please remember that just because some people may not believe you, won't help you, tell you it's not that bad, that you're too sensitive, that you're lucky to be in the relationship, that s/he's such a great/nice person, etc., doesn't mean its true! Abusers have two sides - the one they want others to see so they look like really nice/great people and the one they show you! And sadly waaaaay too many counselors/clergy/therapists don't have a clue as to the dynamics and effects of abuse.
So, keep asking questions and looking for people to help you. They are out there!
You deserve to live an abuse free life!
~healing hugs~
http://blog.healthjourneys.com/update-from-belleruth/tips-on-staying-safe-after-leaving-your-abuser.html?utm_source=Health+Journeys&utm_campaign=f6024a16cc-102616&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_15d6089760-f6024a16cc-45040981
Anything in ( ) is what I have added.
"And as for those post-exit tactics I promised last week for those ready to liberate themselves from their violent abuser in as safe a way as possible, here they are. (And as I said, I know this sounds psycho-paranoid, but it’s not. Your life could depend on advice like this.)
Safe Escape Tactics:
-> Plan for ultimately setting up your new home in a well-populated area – maybe a Neighborhood Watch area or an apartment building.
-> Create a misleading trail to a fake location several hours away from your house. Call hotels, schools, and real estate agents, so that when your partner starts investigating your whereabouts, you can lead him to the opposite direction and buy yourself some serious, extra time.
-> Get a new mobile phone and number. Needless to say, this means Caller ID and an unlisted number.
-> Be stingy and judicious with giving out your new address. Don’t volunteer it on anything online. Use a Post Office Box. You can also sign up for an address confidentiality program with your state, and get your address removed from your voter registration.
-> Don’t forget locks for the windows and doors of your new place, plus outdoor lights, motion detectors, an alarm system and smoke detectors. (Get a handy person to cut blocks of wood to prop in windows and sliding glass doors to prevent from being opened. Make sure you use dead bolt locks on all doors.)
-> Get yourself a protection order and keep it with you. Also, be sure family, friends, your kids' school and your co-workers have copies too. (Know that most protection orders provide the abuser with your addresses. Ask what can be done to keep your address info private from the abuser.)
-> Frequent new places and put in place new patterns. Go to work in different ways, maybe even at different hours. Change any weekly appointment times, and find a new church, coffee shop, bank or book club.
-> Let your boss know what’s going on and change your office if you can. Get escorted to your car and park close to the entrance and near other cars.
-> Have a techie friend check your computer for spyware. You may need a new one. (if you don't know anyone, ask at IT person at work or take to a local computer repair place and have it checked. Learn how to erase your history, cookies & cache and don't save your passwords on your computer or mobile device.)
-> Arrange with your kids to have a safety plan and alert their school that there may be the possibility of kidnapping.
-> Share with friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, mental health professionals, doctors, police – no more secrecy, no more isolation! (This is critical! Not everyone will believe you, but they will now know and that will help them to start noticing differences in the abuser's behavior.)
-> Stay focused, alert and aware. Have your phone at the ready, poised to dial 911." (In addition, have a trusted friend's numbers on speed dial w/the code word. Also you might check out phone apps like The Aspire News app. https://www.whengeorgiasmiled.org/the-aspire-news-app/.
Many of these suggestions are applicable to those still in an abusive relationship!