you don't owe him anything, take care of yourself.

I honestly think that you need to stop and reconsider moving across the world, when you have a very good idea of what the eventual outcome could be. Nothing is cast in stone at this point and you are safe, but all that will change once you get on that plane.

You are absolutely right. Even if he is going through a rough spot, that doesn't preclude your feelings, anxiety and stress. Yours DOES matter also.

Please rethink WHY you are doing this. Once you move that far away it will become even more difficult for you to extract yourself from the relationship if that becomes necessary. Has he admitted his past abusive behavior? If so, what exactly has he done to change it so that it doesn't happen once again?

Honeymoons can be a nice time, and that charming wonderful man we fell in love with comes back for a short time. The problem is that those honeymoons tend to get shorter and shorter, and the "Prince Charming" turns back into that ugly toad.

If yiou can't feel happy about moving then you really shouldn't do it.

He blames all the abuse on the distance and his stress at work. He claims that he needs me there to be with him. Once we are together, he says things will be great. I know that they probably won't but I just can't get myself to let go, even though I know I should.

oh sweetpea dont go

oh dear I am sooooo sorry. I am sorry that you are going through this stress and I am sorry that he is not being considerate enough to listen to you. Especially since you are giving up so much for him. He should be more sensative to your needs. My ex would do the same. I as an english major also used to be able to espress myself much better in the written word so I would write him emails and letters to tell him all of how I felt. And he too would tell me that he just read the first two lines and didnt feel he needed to read it cause he didnt have time to read it and I should tell him. SO when ever I tried to talk to him about it he would tell me he had no time for it or it was bad timing. It was never good timing for him that is for sure. and it seems as if with him it is the same situation. And this is what worries me about you moving so far across the world to be with him when you will be amongst stragers. And that is when you will need so much support also. I was there I moved to a country that I didnt speak the language at all to be with my ex for 8 months. At first he said he would help me lern and also translate for me to help me be able to be a part of the crowd but within a week he said he could not do it it was too much effort and time for him laddy laddy laddy... So I was isolated and this is when the abusive behavior started too. I wish I had not done it but at the same time when I was there I was stuck also. That is why I worry for you and your emotions moving. Have you given it any second thought or do you plan on going ahead and moving full of hopes it will be different once you are there?? I hope you dont think this because in my expperience it wont gt better but hey that is my experience too. I wish all the best for you though and no matter what part of the world you are on I am here for you always! remember that !!

DONT GO STAY WITH HIM!!!!!!!! HE IS PULLING A SYMPATHY ACT SO YOU WILL FEEL SORRY 4 HIM SO YOU WILL GO UP THERE AND HE WILL ABUSE YOU AGAIN STAY WHERE YOU ARE... DONT DO IT!!!!

He's not even good at the sympathy act. If he misses you and really wants you there he'd be kissing your butt right now not blaming you. When you have a loved one that is away from you, do you make them feel guilty or feel like crap or do you try to make them feel good and want them to feel good? Of course it's the second one. He isn't even doing that. Please think long and hard before you go.

HI...I AM NEW HERE.AND,I AM UNDERSTANDING AND CARING.BUT,I LEARNED THE VERY HARD WAY.I LEFT AND WAS DEAD ON ARRIVAL.I HAVE NO PATIENCE OR TOLERANCE FOR ABUSER OF ANY KIND.HE IS LYING TO YOU I LIVED THE CYCLE OVER,OVER,THE HONEYMOON SITE,THAN,SLOWLY BUT,SURELY BEAT,CHOKED AGAIN AND BLAMED ME.PLEASE DON'T MOVE THEY USE TAH TO GET YOU FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE.PLEASE THINK I KNOW I LIVED IN SAME TOWN OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND I COULDN'T SEE THEM.HE CONVINCED ME HE WAS ONLY ONE WHO CARED,THEY NEVER CHANGE.AND,EVERY 60 SECONDS A WOMAN IS KILLED BY A MAN.I WAS ALMOST ONE AND THE DAMAGES ARE NOT PRETTY TO LIVE WITH.PLEASE THINK AND FIND HELP TO GET OUT.I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND HARD.I CARE AND KNOW HOW HARD IT IS I STAYED 7 YRS AND HE WASN'T FIRST ABUSER.GOD BE WITH YOU AND GIVE YOU THE STRENTGH AND WISDOM TO STAY AND NOT GO.THEY ARE SO LOVING AND GREAT LOVERS.BUT,SO MEAN,VIOLENT THINK OF THOSE THINGS.I KNOW IT IS SO CONFUSING AND IT NOT YOUR FAULT.IT IS VERY HARD TO LEAVE...MUCH LOVE,APRIL

to me, this says it all
"I'm moving across the world in a few weeks to be with my abusive boyfriend"

read what you wrote and listen to your own advice

Its not about that though! it is the torment and alonness she feels at the moment. All abused people cant see it black and white. She just got out of the honeymoon phase of the abusive relationship. She is confused and needs guidance not to be told to looka at what she said but rather to be supported in how she feels. And that is what I try to do in theseposts. I try to confide in her and help her not answer a question with a question. That is all.

If we all just post to the original topic at hand it would be great. If you want to dis other people's responses maybe start a new thread for that even. Why must you guys gang up on certain people?? I don't understand it. I know you weren't referring to my post, but it's just sad that you feel the need to dis someone else's response which is NOT actually helping the original poster at all. Just my two cents, and yes I myself will start a new thread as to my feelings on this as well. :)

I think that if he can't be there for you now, he won't be there for you later.

I thought you made a very valid point, upstateNY. Please disregard the abrasive comment that followed. That person just wants you to feel bad for expressing yourself in an assertive manner.

Angel, I hope you don't go. Maybe you could delay the trip - give yourself more time to think about what's in your best interests.

We have this sense of compassion for their feelings, it's not returned, and it keeps us stuck, when our loyalty is towards their feelings and not their own.

This is emotionally abusive. I was with my ex boyfriend off and on 1 1/2 years and can't believe I put up with it so long. We are done when we are done, when we learn we deserve better.

It is not your fault and you are not alone. We stay as a way of coping. I hope it doesn't take something awful to finally leave, or to have a life 1/2 lived due to staying longer than necessary.

I hope you continue to seek support, and learn to listen to your gut - it is your "little genius." He won't recognize it - it's your job.
HUG