I felt like it might help me to vent about the issue of "socially acceptable" forms of abuse, but I want to do so in a way that might be constructive too so that maybe others here can add to it and benefit too.

By "socially acceptable" abuse I am referring to acts of abuse that society in general most often dismisses as somehow not being abuse, or views as something to laugh at or ridicule the victims about.

I've come up with a list of examples of such abuse and will try to elaborate on why they're abuse. However, many of these might be ones that apply more to men since I'm writing all this from a male perspective. But I'll try to include as many examples that apply to women too in order to reduce any bias or unfair representation of abused women.

If anyone here has anything to add to the list or things already on it, please feel free to contribute. Even if it's just commentary or suggestions on how to keep the subject matter unbiased and less likely to offend or upset any members who have experienced any of these types of abuse.

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DOUBLE STANDARDS IN ABUSE: When you stop and think about abusive behavior you start to notice that there are many abusive acts that society seems to deem acceptable for one gender to commit while still calling abuse what it is when the other gender does it.

There are many examples of this in popular culture. Such as a woman in movies or TV shows being verbally abusive, possessive or controlling in ways that if a man were depicted doing in a movie/ show most people would be disgusted and see him as abusive.

Some examples of this: 1) A wife in a sitcom constantly belittling/insulting her husband or kids tends to get laughs from the audience. Albeit some sitcoms get laughs when the husband does that instead of the wife, generally it seems to be seen as darker and more like abuse (at least in serious shows/movies).
2) In movies/shows when the girlfriend or wife gets angry at her partner and starts repeatedly slapping/hitting/kicking/throwing things at him people tend to view the abuse as somehow justified and laugh at it. However, when the genders are reversed in these types of scenes viewers tend to not laugh and they see the abuser as the monster they are.


As a rule of thumb I say to imagine if the genders were reversed in a given situation. If people would see something as abusive for someone of one gender to do, then people need to treat it as abusive if someone of the opposite gender does it too.


WOMEN HITTING MEN: This one may seem like it should be obvious, but if you look at pop culture and other media today (or even out in public) you can see that this act if abuse is usually minimized and treated as "humorous". For a moment try to think of the reactions you typically see from people witnessing a woman physically assaulting a man. Do you notice how many people automatically assume that the man somehow "deserves it" and therefor it's fine for a woman to beat him up?

When the victim is male and the abuser female people tend to see this type of abuse as "okay" or funny. However, if the roles are reversed in an otherwise identical scenario people tend to become angry and call for action to be taken against the abuser (as they should).

This has actually been studied by journalists and researchers. In at least one experiment I've seen they had two sets of actors play the roles of a fighting couple in a public park with plenty of people around. One pair acted out a scenario where the woman was angry and physically/verbally abusing her male partner. The other pair of actors acted out an identical scenario in s similar location in the park at at different time, but reversed the roles so it was the man as the abuser and the woman was the victim.

In the scenario where the man was the victim nobody stepped in to try breaking things up; nobody tried or threatened to call the cops; nobody tried to help the victim; people witnessing the abuse tended to laugh and/or cheer for the woman assaulting her partner.

In the other scenario the results were just the opposite. People witnessing the fight tried stepping in the break it up; people threatened to call the cops on the abusive male partner; some attempted to physically stop him; and some stepped in to try comforting the woman.


MALE RAPE VICTIMS: In this case I'm not talking about whether there are more or less male rape victims than female victims. I'm actually going to talk about another issue they face.

In some parts of the US if a woman rapes a man and becomes pregnant as a result, she can sue her victim for child support if she keeps the child. This can even happen if she was an adult and her victim was a child at the time of the rape. (There are at least 2 somewhat recent cases of this covered in news articles if you look it up online. There could be even more considering how privacy laws regarding legal proceedings involving minors work in the US.)

Can you imagine being raped as a child and even after your rapist is caught and convicted they get out after a few years due to unfair leniency? Then your rapist takes you to court and sues you for child support and the courts force you to pay your rapist support money for 18 years?

This is unfortunately something society has deemed "acceptable" since it's "for the good of the child" (referring to the one the rapist conceives). This is despite the fact that rapists probably shouldn't be raising a child (especially if they're a pedophile).

This type of abuse is one that scares me. I live in the state with the highest rates of rape in the entire US. On top of that there was a case a number of years back where a woman got some guy debilitatingly drunk and took him to his house, but stayed the night. Throughout the night she kept trying to rape him with the goal of getting pregnant. Luckily the guy was able to push her away each time when her attempts woke him up, and I think she went to jail in the end.

Also, in college a friend of mine almost fell victim to a woman like that. He was black out drunk at a bar and some of his other friends noticed in time to pull him out of the taxi the girl trying to take advantage of him was pulling him into.

To be honest the fear of this type of abuse through the legal system is enough to make me seriously consider getting a vasectomy in order to protect myself.


FEMALE RAPE VICTIMS: Female rape victims can actually face a similar form of abuse through the legal system.

Basically, if a raped woman doesn't press charges or the rapist isn't charged/convicted and the woman has her rapist's child as a result of the rape the rapist can harass her through the legal system. Rapists in these cases are able to use the courts to continuously abuse their victims with legal action regarding custody, contact and visitation with the child. You can probably imagine how nightmarish this form of abuse is for the victim.

There NEEDS to be some serious reforms made to the legal system to prevent people (of any gender) from using the courts to further abuse their victims.


"SLUT" SHAMING: In this example I am talking about how many people seem to make abusive comments towards or about women (and men too) based on how they dress. This includes everything from denying a woman (or man) the basic level of respect any human being deserves, all the way up to saying rape victims deserved it based on what they were wearing.

People should not be condoning the abuse of others based on what they wear. This also includes abuse directed at the poor and homeless who are forced to wear worn out or dirty clothing.

However, I do feel that there are lines that are not appropriate to cross with how one dresses. If someone is wearing something so over-the-top "skanky", revealing and sexually promiscuous in public that you feel the need to get tested for STDs just from standing near them at a bus stop, then they probably shouldn't be dressed like that in public.

In public we all have to be mindful that we are in a shared space and that many people are not comfortable being around someone dressed in an OVERLY sexual/provocative outfit.

After thinking about this I came up with an example of how this can feel to some guys, but explained in a way that should convey the feeling to women in a relevant manner: imagine riding the bus to work and nearly every day you end up next to one or two middle aged men dressed in full gimp suits, but nobody ever says anything or makes them leave since they're technically wearing clothes that don't reveal enough to be considered indecent exposure. That's the level of discomfort I am talking about.

To clarify, I am not saying that these cases deserve abuse in any way either. However, dealing with people who dress in such ways should be done in a respectful way that expresses how they are making the people around them feel, and to politely ask them to tone it down a little. Not by treating them in abusive ways.