You are concentrating on the wrong person....you are thinking of your abuser...and you should be taking this time to learn how to take care of yourself. Do you have enough things to do so that you don't have too much empty time on your hands ? It takes time to heal. Go on with your life, and find your happiness within yourself.

You know why, my friend? Because you are in Crazy Town. That is what I call the chaos that goes on in my head and makes me crazy. He is the one to always put me there. Love should not send us to Crazy Town. Love should do the opposite.

I check my phone, too. Where is the fun of no contact if he doesn't even care?!?

angel is right. We are thinking of him. Our abuser. Not ourselves. I have to put my phone away. I removed my games from my phone so I wouldn't just sit on it. I plug it in in another room so I don't have to look at it.

Crazy Town. Just trust that you, in your calm and relaxed state, made a decision about what is best for you. From Melody Beattie:

"Go with the flow, even when the flow takes us through uncomfortable feelings. Release, freedom, healing, and good feelings are on the other side.

Today, I am open and willing to feel what I need to feel. I am willing to stop my compulsive behaviors. I am willing to let go of my denial. I am willing to feel what I need to feel to be healed, healthy, and whole."

Especially the part about compulsive behaviors. Stop it. (I will, too)

I am trying but feel like I'm going to fail again. I just now saw your post beingshannon and I wish I saw it earlier today but I was at work. I should have done what you said here and shut my phone off. The thing is at work I have to text my boss when he's out on appointments like today. Then I see the damn text from the ex. I have something funny to say, when I first saw people post about STBX I thought it meant STupid Bitch EX, lmao!! So I found some humor I still laugh at myself for thinking that is what that abbreviation means and I still see those words when I look at the abbreviation not matter what I do. So I still call it STupid Bitch Ex...
Angel Grace - I see what you mean when you say I am focusing on him not me and its so true. I have things to do but I have not had the motivation to do them lately. I have been too caught up in depression ( I am on meds for that and BiPolar) but i still feel bad. I'm in counseling but he is only seeing me once a month and when its hard like this I feel I need more than that. I cant stop thinking about my STBX!! I hate it. Its like there is an emotional hold on me! It is crazy shannon! I am in crazy town!!

Take a deep breath, my friend.

Okay, first off STBX - I thought it meant shit box. For real.

Okay, This is what I have written on my hand with a red sharpie today, "He tried to get the kids to smoke with him. Remember that and don't contact him today. Just today."

Yes, I really have all that written on my hand. Every day I write something new from my index cards on my hand. It helps me. When I get a sad feeling, I read my hand. His wrongs and his abuse has given me enough that I can easily change it each day. Have you done the index card exercise? This is where I get my fuel.

Adding to this....

Say to yourself, "No more today. Just for today."

Turn the phone off, watch an old rerun of Seinfeld and stop it. You can leave Crazy Town.

OK - I did do the index card exercise and then i threw them all out when i went back to him a year ago. Now I guess I need to make them again hu? I am full of anxiety... Tried cooking some pre food for dinner just to get it done and keep busy. Went and took care of my neighbors dogs because they are out of town. Now I'm on here. I am trying not to go look at my phone etc... When I think about what he does i get angry

Sorry you're having a tough time.

If you are near a lake or even the ocean, go there for a walk. I find it incredibly helpful when I'm trying to clear my head. You'll be focusing on nature, and the smiling faces around you, instead of on him.

Plus, you will feel even better when you realize how many miles you completed.

Hope this helps. :)

I am near a lake, its called Lake Perris. Its pretty cold out there now though. but i might try it soon and see. I love the ocean in the summer I go there but its 60 miles away. I wanted to go to Church tonight but its so cold I'm not going out there. I had real thick ice on my windshield this morning too and it took forever with the hose to melt it off.

OH and I had to finally take half a xanax because of the anxiety today.

Hang in there, its going to get better.

Thanks Tangelo, it just feel so hopeless - this was a bad day! I have remained NC since 1pm today and I had replied to his text but he never said anything back. I feel like a fool again.
Angry too! Crazy town!

Sweet, kind, smart radrm, do you know what I think would help you stay No Contact? If you worked on your self esteem, because I think on some level you are planting the idea that the abuse is okay because you deserve it, and you're not strong enough, capable enough to stay No Contact anyway, you're just doomed to taking his crap because of WHO YOU ARE. That is not true-none of that is true! You are not a fool, you are not crazy, and you should have hope because you have it within you to get this abusive A-hole out of your life!

Do you do your affirmations? You have to do them EVERY TIME you find yourself saying something not nice about yourself, you have to turn it around. That's the first part that is hard-even being aware of how often you say things about yourself that are not nice. When I first became aware of how much negative self talk I used I was shocked at myself, that crap was running in the background all day long and I never even was aware of it. I was abusing myself everyday, all day long. It will be easier to maintain NO Contact if you can start to believe all the wonderful things about yourself that I can see, and know are there.

I second that, Cant, really focus on yourself and hearing your words. Anything near negative, tell yourself "stop" and replace it with something kinder. Remind yourself to talk to you the way you would talk to a friend. You deserve it!! sending hugs

I agree with cant and newrose. Give yourself a break. This is hard stuff to be going through, you are doing awesome.

Its normal to feel the way you do, and you can get through this.

I am going to try the affirmations cant74deal and try to be kinder to myself Tangelo & new rose! I know I do the negative thoughts a lot especially when I feel down an stressed. My counselor gave me a list too I'm supposed to say to myself every day but I haven't been doing it.
Yesterday I let him send me to crazy town again.

I answered his text again yesterday. My son is livid not with me but with the fear I will go back again. I try to tell myself to do it for my son at least but I can't stick to the NC very well so far but I'm starting over again. I haven't texted or got a text since yesterday at around 6pm so its been almost 12 hours only 5 of it was sleep.
I woke up at 4:22am this morning. Im not able to eat and sleep right. So today, just for today I am going to try to stick to No Contact and do my affirmations. I am not even going to go over the stuff he said to me in the texts. Even though I use my phone at work I think I will leave it in the car. They can call me on the office phone. So I don't see that and face temptation. I need it to drive it helps my anxiety of false fears I will get stuck in my car somewhere and not be able to get help.
Ok let me try to do this again.