Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I lost my sister a little over a year ago. Since then I have been a hard time with old issues from childhood. I will try to give a super quick background.
My stepdad sexually/verbally abused me for many years. I finally told and my mom stayed with him anyway and made me go to counseling. My dad was told but he chose to let me stay with my stepdad. I felt like no one cared. It hurt me so bad, still does. Sexual abuse did stop and was followed by verbal abuse, groundings that lasted months etc.
Found my abusive ex husband at age 14. My parents hated him because they thought he didn't treat me okay. How funny is that really??? Anyhow I left him 6 years ago and I've been trying to move on. Since I left home my parents would decide not to have anything to do with us for years at a time for whatever reason. My mom at one point shut me out of her life for 12 years. My dad's longest was 6 years.
Its funny now, I can remember loading the car at Thanksgiving with my sis and me and our kids. I would sit in the car while she went in and ate at mom's house( I wasn't allowed) and she would sit in the car and wait while I ate at dad's house (she wasn't allowed). It always hurt so bad.
Meanwhile my stepdad's son was never shut out. Drug addiction, abusing his wife...whatever he did was okay. My dad's two son's and daughter were perfectly raised in a happy home. College paid for, cars on 16th birthdays etc. Not us. Pictures all over the house on both sides but not of me & my sis. Good news is we had each other to lean on.
My sis became addicted to pain pills and overdosed and died at the age of 41. Me, I am still battling eating disorders, self harm and drinking.
My issue is this...for several years now I have kept in touch with both sets of parents. Spending quite a bit of time with my dad and texting my mom every other day. But a few weekends ago my dad & stepmom came out to our house, and of course we were drinking. They are alcoholics. Anyhow my stepmom was complaining about my half brother owing them 6 thousand bucks from a few months ago. And I say "I'm glad I don't owe you money". She informs me that my dad loaned me 200 bucks in 97 to go back to school and I never paid him back.
AHHHH really? Even though my half brothers & sister had ALL their college paid for. Wow. Anyhow all those feelings from childhood. All the abuse, neglect, and that me & my sister don't rate.....I just want to shut them out. I really want to walk away! I'm so done. This year I dont want be around them at the holidays. You know both of them had cut my sis off for two years when she died.
I just can't shake the feeling of abandonment. I can't shake the horrible feeling that I know deep down I never mattered. I have done lots of bad things in my life. I hope always to be forgiven. Deep down I want to forgive them but I can't. Never any apologies or even any acknowledgement. And its not about revenge I just think I could put more focus on my kids and positive things if I cut off all communication with them. Any advice would be helpful, thank you for listening.
My stepdad sexually/verbally abused me for many years. I finally told and my mom stayed with him anyway and made me go to counseling. My dad was told but he chose to let me stay with my stepdad. I felt like no one cared. It hurt me so bad, still does. Sexual abuse did stop and was followed by verbal abuse, groundings that lasted months etc.
Found my abusive ex husband at age 14. My parents hated him because they thought he didn't treat me okay. How funny is that really??? Anyhow I left him 6 years ago and I've been trying to move on. Since I left home my parents would decide not to have anything to do with us for years at a time for whatever reason. My mom at one point shut me out of her life for 12 years. My dad's longest was 6 years.
Its funny now, I can remember loading the car at Thanksgiving with my sis and me and our kids. I would sit in the car while she went in and ate at mom's house( I wasn't allowed) and she would sit in the car and wait while I ate at dad's house (she wasn't allowed). It always hurt so bad.
Meanwhile my stepdad's son was never shut out. Drug addiction, abusing his wife...whatever he did was okay. My dad's two son's and daughter were perfectly raised in a happy home. College paid for, cars on 16th birthdays etc. Not us. Pictures all over the house on both sides but not of me & my sis. Good news is we had each other to lean on.
My sis became addicted to pain pills and overdosed and died at the age of 41. Me, I am still battling eating disorders, self harm and drinking.
My issue is this...for several years now I have kept in touch with both sets of parents. Spending quite a bit of time with my dad and texting my mom every other day. But a few weekends ago my dad & stepmom came out to our house, and of course we were drinking. They are alcoholics. Anyhow my stepmom was complaining about my half brother owing them 6 thousand bucks from a few months ago. And I say "I'm glad I don't owe you money". She informs me that my dad loaned me 200 bucks in 97 to go back to school and I never paid him back.
AHHHH really? Even though my half brothers & sister had ALL their college paid for. Wow. Anyhow all those feelings from childhood. All the abuse, neglect, and that me & my sister don't rate.....I just want to shut them out. I really want to walk away! I'm so done. This year I dont want be around them at the holidays. You know both of them had cut my sis off for two years when she died.
I just can't shake the feeling of abandonment. I can't shake the horrible feeling that I know deep down I never mattered. I have done lots of bad things in my life. I hope always to be forgiven. Deep down I want to forgive them but I can't. Never any apologies or even any acknowledgement. And its not about revenge I just think I could put more focus on my kids and positive things if I cut off all communication with them. Any advice would be helpful, thank you for listening.
Do what you need to do for you, you deserve it. Look after your needs and the needs of your kids. If that means cutting all communication with your parents so be it - that is a choice for you to make as to what you think would be best for you.
You also mention forgiveness. For me, it's near impossible for me to forgive someone for something they did yesterday, did again today and will do again tomorrow. You say you want to be forgiven for the bad things you have done in the past, and I understand that - but you are not continuing to do those same bad things, right? That's the difference.
I also hope that you are getting or can get some good counselling/therapy to help you to process all of this.
I am so very sorry for everything you have gone through. No one should ever have to go through what you and your sister endured and also at Thanksgiving. That was inhumane. Parents are supposed to help their kids not do what yours did. You don't even have to say you want to shut them out. Say you need a break and you can decide how long that break will be. They are abusers and if you want to spend the Holidays away from them this year, I'd say you are entitled. I hope someday you will find peace and happiness as you really deserve it. Good luck
Its funny to me how you can get older and not let go of things. Its also funny to me how hard I have tried to forget how they treated us. My fiance comes from such a good family. Close to each other, I can't help but feel jealous.
But I do think I need a break. I've got to get passed the way I blame myself for everything. I remember how good I felt about myself when I got to go see them. Like my self worth was dependent on their approval. I guess its time to let go of that now.
I am not doubting you here, but wowza that is SO wrong. It's not surprising it made you feel worse. Unfortunately, like any job in the world, there are good and bad counsellors, and that was a bad one. Please try again ... interview them to work out whether they have the right kind of experience and attitude to be able to help you. A good counsellor will be worth their weight in gold.
It doesn't matter if you walked naked around the house - you were a child. It wouldn't have mattered if you quite literally set out to seduce him (I am not for a moment suggesting you did) - you were a child. You were a child, he was an adult. And he was married to your mother. Those two things mean that it doesn't matter WHAT you did, it was still not your fault.
You are responsible only for your own actions, not the actions of others - ever.
Obviously I said he could stay. I don't know how he got out of it now, legally. I don't really understand any of it other than it was agreed that we would all go to counseling. But only I had to go and it was at some lady's house.
DS has been such a help to me. Reading some of the posts keeps me from feeling so alone. Frankly there's never been a time that I have asked for help or advice, and ALWAYS felt better, thank you again guys!
Children (usually) become exactly like their abusing parent, or they become (eventually) the exact opposite.
I have no children but cannot imagine doing anything abhorant to them if I did. The thought of it makes me physically ill. I am very guarded around my neices and nephews around any adults and tend to expect the worst. I hate to be that way but I see darkness in humans because of what I went through and I am very overprotective.
Of the men I have dated, few had children and the children tended to gravitate towards me. Their fathers were not very loving towards them and tended to be either neglectful of them or put their own needs above thier own children. I tended to stay in the relationship longer because of my worry/feelings for the child even if I despised the father. I cannot say I felt the father may have been abusive in a sexual way towards the child but they were addicts and could of been a better father in the least.
I find it tragic that a person can't rise above at least enough for thier child, my thoughts anyway.
When a child clings to or runs away from an aggressor (i.e aggressive caretaker), they cling to their choice so as to garner a piece of the power...the type of power...that their target seems to possess.
If the child finds power in aggression, they'll lean toward the aggressor. If the child finds power in peace and safety, they'll go toward the caretaker that seems to offer that peace.
Children that have grown up may also well regress in the presence of an estranged parent. In my case, my youngest stepdaughter will regress to a time about the time of her separation from her mother...age 4 or 5, even though she's 18 now. She wants "mommy time"...wants mom to cook for her and lie in the bed and talk for hours together. Mommy needs that time as well...and I clear out and leave them to this relationship.
Her ex and his family have been cruel, sick bastards that bullied those children away from my wife when she had to decide to leave in order to not be murdered at his hand.
My wife survived, but unfortunately, one relationship with one child is suffering badly and the other one is trying to make up for lost time.
There comes a time in your life that you just can't take the abuse and the humility anymore. It has been one year for me and will not look back. I tried calling my dad and half brother and sent a mothers day card to no prevail. Not so much that I want to reconcile just to keep my distance.
I must say it does give you time to think and work on yourself. I'm not going to tell you that it's not going to be hard it will, to distance yourself. But I keep telling myself that I really don't want to go back to a family that does not acknowledge me or my children.
My step-mom like your step-mom will not change. They have they vampire teeth lodged in our fathers and will not let go. My advice take care of yourself first and stay away from any toxic people that come your way. Family or not!!