Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
First I want to thank all those who responded to my last post. You are all so great, I don't know what I would do without all you guys. I heard what you said (wrote) and I was seriously considering telling my H I wanted to cut all contact for at least a few months while he "figured himself out".
We just had this conversation via text and I need you to tell me what you think:
Him: found out today I may need hormone therapy.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: Low testosterone.
Me: Did you have a doc apt? How did it come up?
Him: Yes, because I haven't been well and was convinced my cancer was back.
Me: I don't understand how one has to do with the other?
Him: After explaining how I've been feeling and he had no idea my testicles have shrunk and I didn't produce sperm anymore.
Me: You don't produce sperm anymore? How does low testosterone effect how your feeling?
Him: Low energy, emotional problems, low sex drive and trouble concentrating.
Me: Yes I see now...alexithymia (note to those reading-I googled-he didn't tell me the name). Have they actually tested your levels?
Him: He (the doc) really thinks that's a problem for me but only the blood work will tell.
Me: You were like that before your treatments though...although the cancer definitely caused low energy.
Him: Kinda explains my uncontrolled crying out of nowhere
Me: Ya, but doesn't really explain your lack of empathy and you haven't been expressing a lack of sex drive lately since you were trying pretty hard to have sex with me, lol
Him: I never said it did...I haven't had sex in almost a year and my sex drive is low...I miss cuddling up naked together...anyways, not using it as an excuse for anything...just telling you what the doctor told me today
Me: I'm not saying you are...I'm just still confused about everything that's going on and trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm making an apt with my therapist.
Him: OK, I won't contact you at all then.
Me: OMG, this is why I can't talk to you ...I'm just trying to have a normal conversation, asking questions, trying to figure out what's going on and you get defensive and try to make me feel guilty. If you don't want to contact me fine, I was considering the same the last couple of days and you just made that decision pretty easy.
Him: I wasn't defensive, lol, was trying to be nice and thought I was doing you a favour by not contacting you after you said you're so confused etc...was not trying to make you feel guilty about anything. But after hearing how you really feel I won't bother with you anymore
Me: That's crap and you know it. But thank you for the reminder, I needed it. I would appreciate you not contacting me anymore...thank you for that as well.
Him: No, thank you for the reminder. I don't know anyone but a fucking nut that would have got what you got from that message.
Looking back on this now, maybe I did jump to conclusions??? Please tell me if you think it's me. I'm so confused!
We just had this conversation via text and I need you to tell me what you think:
Him: found out today I may need hormone therapy.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: Low testosterone.
Me: Did you have a doc apt? How did it come up?
Him: Yes, because I haven't been well and was convinced my cancer was back.
Me: I don't understand how one has to do with the other?
Him: After explaining how I've been feeling and he had no idea my testicles have shrunk and I didn't produce sperm anymore.
Me: You don't produce sperm anymore? How does low testosterone effect how your feeling?
Him: Low energy, emotional problems, low sex drive and trouble concentrating.
Me: Yes I see now...alexithymia (note to those reading-I googled-he didn't tell me the name). Have they actually tested your levels?
Him: He (the doc) really thinks that's a problem for me but only the blood work will tell.
Me: You were like that before your treatments though...although the cancer definitely caused low energy.
Him: Kinda explains my uncontrolled crying out of nowhere
Me: Ya, but doesn't really explain your lack of empathy and you haven't been expressing a lack of sex drive lately since you were trying pretty hard to have sex with me, lol
Him: I never said it did...I haven't had sex in almost a year and my sex drive is low...I miss cuddling up naked together...anyways, not using it as an excuse for anything...just telling you what the doctor told me today
Me: I'm not saying you are...I'm just still confused about everything that's going on and trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm making an apt with my therapist.
Him: OK, I won't contact you at all then.
Me: OMG, this is why I can't talk to you ...I'm just trying to have a normal conversation, asking questions, trying to figure out what's going on and you get defensive and try to make me feel guilty. If you don't want to contact me fine, I was considering the same the last couple of days and you just made that decision pretty easy.
Him: I wasn't defensive, lol, was trying to be nice and thought I was doing you a favour by not contacting you after you said you're so confused etc...was not trying to make you feel guilty about anything. But after hearing how you really feel I won't bother with you anymore
Me: That's crap and you know it. But thank you for the reminder, I needed it. I would appreciate you not contacting me anymore...thank you for that as well.
Him: No, thank you for the reminder. I don't know anyone but a fucking nut that would have got what you got from that message.
Looking back on this now, maybe I did jump to conclusions??? Please tell me if you think it's me. I'm so confused!
Smoke n mirrors, that's all it is. You were supposed to feel sorry for him, forgive him everything, beg him to forgive you for not being more understanding, and then go back to how it was before - IF, that is, he decides to forgive you for not realising he had a perfect right to treat you like crap.
Where do they get off!!!! Grrrrr
It's not you. He jumped to the conclusion & got defensive right after you said you were making an appt w/your therapist. I bet he felt threatened by that. That's not on you, that's on him. It's him going to the extreme.
It's obvious that he doesn't like being confronted with the truth about his behaviors that he can't find an excuse for. So he deflects.
It sounds a lot like he was looking for sympathy from you in order to reel you back in while trying to cover his lies.
After reading your other post, all I can say is he has an excuse for everything & the above text conversation is no different. Sadly this is typical abuser behavior. And being sick is no excuse.
My ex did exactly the same when I last saw him.
He upset me and I had been ignoring his calls for a day. He left me thre voice mail on my phone asking me to contact him. The last one he said "if u don't contact me back after this message I will take it u don't want to speak to me and I won't be contacting you again after this!"
I was fuming to say the least. Anyway when confronted (I was still offended by it) he proceeded to say I took it the wrong way and he meant he wouldn't contact me again that night. I know he didn't but I also know that it was an ambiguous thing to say. In other words he always said things that could mean two different meanings depending on my reaction. If I was apologetic he would have meant it as an ultimatum, a threat. But the fact that I was at the end of my cut off point meant that he was innocent and yet again (whenever I stood up for myself) I was over reacting!
You see the similarity???
So no, u were spot on and after all look at the way he responds because you have made a decision. That first statement was a tester to see what u would do, you gave him the reaction he didn't want (you being strong and making your own decisions) and he then was real quick in verbally attacking you and name calling you. If he honestly meant it as an innocent sentence wouldn't he be more shocked and be like "wow I can't believe that's just happened"? Why would someone who's just been misunderstood be so defensive. If I'm misunderstood I try to set the record straight, he didn't even try, he instead just abused you more. This shows how much lack of respect he has.
And another thing, I'm not suggesting its BS, but whenever my ex sensed I was about to walk away from him he all of a sudden would get ill, turn on the poor me character and try to distract me with how bad it is for him right now. It's a sure way to get u to feel guilty for walkin away.
Aim to stick to NC and find you again, it really is worth it! I promise.
""""Him: I never said it did...I haven't had sex in almost a year and my sex drive is low...I miss cuddling up naked together...anyways, not using it as an excuse for anything...just telling you what the doctor told me today """"
When I had my daughter I didn't have a sex drive and trust me the last thing I missed was cuddling naked. No drive means no desire or pining after. He's basically implying that you haven't had sex with him so now the illness has driven away his sex drive so now reverse psychology to say "well now you've missed your chance as I won't want to give u sex now!" But then because he doesn't get the reaction he expects he then back tracks and lies saying he never said that when u have proof in a text that he did a few messages before!
What a looser he really is!
Sorry reminds a lot of my ex
And now he has a new "illness". It may be real, it may not be - at the time of the texts, he certainly didn't know for sure that it was real. But either way, cancer worked - you hung around in limbo. So he has something that works and he's doing it again.
I am by no means making light of cancer, nor am I suggesting he didn't have cancer or that THAT was a scam. What I do know is that they will use ANYTHING. He had the misfortune of getting cancer - and the fortune of learning that having cancer kept you in limbo for as long as it took. And now he has another potential diagnosis - real or not, he's going to milk it for everything it's worth, because he sees his illness as your achilles heel.
The exchange you guys had was SO typical. I've had convos like this w my husband numerous times. I walk away Stumbling, feeling like I just got off the Tilt-o-Whirl ride.
Confusion is key w abusers. I am learning this. We can see it clearly reading this exchange from the outside looking in bc we have no emotional investment.
But the responses here are spot on.
And as horrible as it is, he is using an ailment to tug at your heart strings. Why? Bc he Knows you are a compassionate, loving, caring human being who will feel badly for him and feel compelled to stick around and help.
If you can go NC, do it. The better it is for you. Focus on YOU.
It burns my ass that he ends this sappy exchange by calling u a fckin nut!!
Please do not listen to it! It's pure lies, crap and manipulation.
Sending strength and hugs,
The reason for No Contact
is that it is NOT POSSIBLE
to have rational dialogue
with an abuser.
Every time you attempt
to engage in what you
hope to have a rational
conversation, you are
offering the abuser
another opportunity
to abuse you, with
lies, spins, circuitous
puzzles, lots of smoke,
mirrors and fog, and
ultimately crazy-making,
guilt-inducing,
CONFUSION.
That's why
NO CONTACT
is an
ESSENTIAL requirement
to breaking free of abuse.
Conversation with an
abuser is another day
of your life, LOST.
How would you envision
your life, going forward?
THAT's the scene to
take steps to manifest.
Attempting to "reach"
an abuser or to
deconstruct and
analyze conversations
with an abuser
DRAINS your
precious energy.
Please use your
energy to TAKE
CARE of YOURSELF.
When he makes excuses or only admits to part of things sort of, I can end up getting defensive and can be a bit sarcastic after years of invalidation.
The part that really resonated with me is the exchange starting with him saying "I never said it did...". When I've been able to look more objectively at a convo I'm having with my H (not easy to be objective) I often see it as a young child trying to convince his parents to let him do something but not sure what he will be allowed so he just starts waving a stick around at a pinata to see if he can eventually hit something. An exchange like this:
"Mom, I want to go to Scott's house to play with my new basketball." (said as more of a statement than a request and note he is trying to eek in playing with the new ball hoping she won't notice that and instead concentrates on him going to the friend)
"No, I told you that you have to do your homework first and I never said you were allowed to play with your new ball."
"But, I thought you said if I did my chores the other day I could play with it." (i.e. Mom, you're forgetful and possibly being mean)
"No...I didn't say that...(voice trails as she reconsiders)"
Seeing he's got an opening "Dad said he's sure that you wouldn't mind if I did so when I go to Scott's later after my homework is done and I've cleared the table then I can, right?"
Mom's head is spinning bc he never offers to clear the table. "That would be really nice of you to clear the table..."
He interrupts and yells as he leaves the room "Thanks mom! You're the best!!"
I've just seen so many times where it feels like my H is throwing darts hoping something he says sticks and watches my response to see if he's got an opening. He must win, the more things the better like he's collecting baseball cards. If he can win two topics in one argument its a good day for him. If he has to give up three crappy cards to get 1 good one he might if the one is really valuable.
You're just trying to have a dialog and a relationship and he can't stop sitting collecting cards bc its all he has. Its....sad.....
And I think your instincts are good. The fact that it seemed odd is enough, really. Oh! That's another good trick my counselor taught me- if you find yourself making the "what the heck?!"
face that means something is wrong.