Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
First I want to thank all those who responded to my last post. You are all so great, I don't know what I would do without all you guys. I heard what you said (wrote) and I was seriously considering telling my H I wanted to cut all contact for at least a few months while he "figured himself out".
We just had this conversation via text and I need you to tell me what you think:
Him: found out today I may need hormone therapy.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: Low testosterone.
Me: Did you have a doc apt? How did it come up?
Him: Yes, because I haven't been well and was convinced my cancer was back.
Me: I don't understand how one has to do with the other?
Him: After explaining how I've been feeling and he had no idea my testicles have shrunk and I didn't produce sperm anymore.
Me: You don't produce sperm anymore? How does low testosterone effect how your feeling?
Him: Low energy, emotional problems, low sex drive and trouble concentrating.
Me: Yes I see now...alexithymia (note to those reading-I googled-he didn't tell me the name). Have they actually tested your levels?
Him: He (the doc) really thinks that's a problem for me but only the blood work will tell.
Me: You were like that before your treatments though...although the cancer definitely caused low energy.
Him: Kinda explains my uncontrolled crying out of nowhere
Me: Ya, but doesn't really explain your lack of empathy and you haven't been expressing a lack of sex drive lately since you were trying pretty hard to have sex with me, lol
Him: I never said it did...I haven't had sex in almost a year and my sex drive is low...I miss cuddling up naked together...anyways, not using it as an excuse for anything...just telling you what the doctor told me today
Me: I'm not saying you are...I'm just still confused about everything that's going on and trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm making an apt with my therapist.
Him: OK, I won't contact you at all then.
Me: OMG, this is why I can't talk to you ...I'm just trying to have a normal conversation, asking questions, trying to figure out what's going on and you get defensive and try to make me feel guilty. If you don't want to contact me fine, I was considering the same the last couple of days and you just made that decision pretty easy.
Him: I wasn't defensive, lol, was trying to be nice and thought I was doing you a favour by not contacting you after you said you're so confused etc...was not trying to make you feel guilty about anything. But after hearing how you really feel I won't bother with you anymore
Me: That's crap and you know it. But thank you for the reminder, I needed it. I would appreciate you not contacting me anymore...thank you for that as well.
Him: No, thank you for the reminder. I don't know anyone but a fucking nut that would have got what you got from that message.
Looking back on this now, maybe I did jump to conclusions??? Please tell me if you think it's me. I'm so confused!
We just had this conversation via text and I need you to tell me what you think:
Him: found out today I may need hormone therapy.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: Low testosterone.
Me: Did you have a doc apt? How did it come up?
Him: Yes, because I haven't been well and was convinced my cancer was back.
Me: I don't understand how one has to do with the other?
Him: After explaining how I've been feeling and he had no idea my testicles have shrunk and I didn't produce sperm anymore.
Me: You don't produce sperm anymore? How does low testosterone effect how your feeling?
Him: Low energy, emotional problems, low sex drive and trouble concentrating.
Me: Yes I see now...alexithymia (note to those reading-I googled-he didn't tell me the name). Have they actually tested your levels?
Him: He (the doc) really thinks that's a problem for me but only the blood work will tell.
Me: You were like that before your treatments though...although the cancer definitely caused low energy.
Him: Kinda explains my uncontrolled crying out of nowhere
Me: Ya, but doesn't really explain your lack of empathy and you haven't been expressing a lack of sex drive lately since you were trying pretty hard to have sex with me, lol
Him: I never said it did...I haven't had sex in almost a year and my sex drive is low...I miss cuddling up naked together...anyways, not using it as an excuse for anything...just telling you what the doctor told me today
Me: I'm not saying you are...I'm just still confused about everything that's going on and trying to wrap my head around it all. I'm making an apt with my therapist.
Him: OK, I won't contact you at all then.
Me: OMG, this is why I can't talk to you ...I'm just trying to have a normal conversation, asking questions, trying to figure out what's going on and you get defensive and try to make me feel guilty. If you don't want to contact me fine, I was considering the same the last couple of days and you just made that decision pretty easy.
Him: I wasn't defensive, lol, was trying to be nice and thought I was doing you a favour by not contacting you after you said you're so confused etc...was not trying to make you feel guilty about anything. But after hearing how you really feel I won't bother with you anymore
Me: That's crap and you know it. But thank you for the reminder, I needed it. I would appreciate you not contacting me anymore...thank you for that as well.
Him: No, thank you for the reminder. I don't know anyone but a fucking nut that would have got what you got from that message.
Looking back on this now, maybe I did jump to conclusions??? Please tell me if you think it's me. I'm so confused!
The whole shock factor has a purpose. He said "once they get emotional then they loose the ability to win!"
They project a part of their true selves onto their targets so they can semi face this part of themselves. Kind of like an outlet. So they can role play the hate they feel for that part of themselves out onto you! Hence why they always accuse you of being the abuser. It's a double victory for them. They keep the focus off themselves (themselves not focusing on themselves) and they get to passively pretend to confront that part by placing it onto you.
It becomes personal but the truth is that it's not even personal, you are just a tool, an object, a mirror, a reflection, it makes no difference how different you are to them, they will reflect into you, so long as you are empathic, open, caring, lack that boundary to stop them, they will go for it. They don't see you at all, not even when things were good, they only like their reflection and not you, then they dislike it, not you!
There really is nothing wrong with your morals or who you are, a victim of this is usually very kind hearted. The only thing that an empathic person can learn to change is their boundaries. You can still be kind, empathic, good natured and living with boundaries.
Yeah, that's very reassuring that he is trying to change. And yet we r confused! I wonder why!
In my opinion seeing ur therapist is a great idea. My appt. with mine yesterday brought me back to reality. It's very hard to deal with and extremely emotional. The comments here r priceless, they see what we don't. I can't offer such insightful advice because I am where u r.
But, I am here for u...We should definitely chat sometime!
Trying, hang in there and drop me a line anytime you want/need to chat!