Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am in the process of getting the divorce petition drawn up and my lawyer asked for witnesses. Because I was so isolated, I only had a 2 friends (more like acquaintances) here, other women in the community that I would get together with for tea, etc. A week before I gave birth, my husband and I got into a fight (his tea was too hot, god forbid!) and he hit me in my arm several times, in front of his mother. I showed his mother later on where he left marks and of course she took his side and said it was my fault. I tried to take pictures as evidence but he took my phone and deleted them. Well, anyway, the next day I was so upset, I went to see one of these friends and I told her what had happened and asked for some advice, given that my due date was a week later.
Now that the violence has occurred again (in front of our baby) and I left him and Im seeking divorce I called this friend to see if she would provide a witness statement about when I came to see her and she is now acting all hesitant and she probably wont do it. Basically, she said she doesnt want to get involved in something she isnt 100% sure about and she doesnt want to attest against my husband when there werent any marks on my arms or anything like that, and the fact that she didnt actually witness him hitting me in my arm. I had another conversation with her today about it and she said she still wasnt sure, she was going to check with her husband. (Which is another thing that pisses me off cant she just decide for herself? Why does she need his permission anyway?) Then she went into about when she thinks about domestic violence that in her head that means bruises on the face and punching and things like that making a little slap here or there or hitting me on my arm or pulling my hair seem like a petty thing that shouldnt be considered violence and thats another reason she isnt sure if she will write a testimony. I explained to her that domestic violence can be anything, even if it is something as minor as a slap, and it definitely includes insults and psychological abuse, something Ive dealt with our entire marriage.
I am just so shocked at the lack of support from my so-called friends. I almost wish the violence HAD been worse and that he did punch me in the face so someone would take me seriously. All that I have is my family and my lawyer on my side, and thats about it. I just want justice to be served. Im tired of people making excuses for my stbx and making it seem like Im making a big deal out of nothing and that hes somehow the victim in this, not me.
How do you deal with the lack of support? How do you deal with no one taking you seriously? How do you deal with people downplaying the violence? I am starting to have doubts that even the judge will take me seriously and that this is all going to backfire and my stbx is going to laugh in my face.
Im just having a really hard time holding it all together lately
Now that the violence has occurred again (in front of our baby) and I left him and Im seeking divorce I called this friend to see if she would provide a witness statement about when I came to see her and she is now acting all hesitant and she probably wont do it. Basically, she said she doesnt want to get involved in something she isnt 100% sure about and she doesnt want to attest against my husband when there werent any marks on my arms or anything like that, and the fact that she didnt actually witness him hitting me in my arm. I had another conversation with her today about it and she said she still wasnt sure, she was going to check with her husband. (Which is another thing that pisses me off cant she just decide for herself? Why does she need his permission anyway?) Then she went into about when she thinks about domestic violence that in her head that means bruises on the face and punching and things like that making a little slap here or there or hitting me on my arm or pulling my hair seem like a petty thing that shouldnt be considered violence and thats another reason she isnt sure if she will write a testimony. I explained to her that domestic violence can be anything, even if it is something as minor as a slap, and it definitely includes insults and psychological abuse, something Ive dealt with our entire marriage.
I am just so shocked at the lack of support from my so-called friends. I almost wish the violence HAD been worse and that he did punch me in the face so someone would take me seriously. All that I have is my family and my lawyer on my side, and thats about it. I just want justice to be served. Im tired of people making excuses for my stbx and making it seem like Im making a big deal out of nothing and that hes somehow the victim in this, not me.
How do you deal with the lack of support? How do you deal with no one taking you seriously? How do you deal with people downplaying the violence? I am starting to have doubts that even the judge will take me seriously and that this is all going to backfire and my stbx is going to laugh in my face.
Im just having a really hard time holding it all together lately
When I told my mother what was going on, she never doubted me. She cried for me. She wished there was something she could do to help. Of course, she did help, just by being there and at times providing financially until I got on my feet.
His family was completely different. They blamed me. I was the bitch wife that was cheating on him and who kicked him out. I was the reason he was drinking because he was so distraught over losing his family. How did I handle it? I cut him them all out of my life. I found support in support groups, and of course, my family.
You cannot control what is said about you or what people believe. You know the truth. Focus on getting out of the relationship safely. We believe you!
I'm not sure what state you live in, but I focused on the domestic violence issue because we have 2 children, one of which would have to have visitation with him. I wanted to make certain that she didn't have to see him if she chose not to, and that is exactly what the court had decided.
I believe you can file any way you want to. I filed for domestic violence and alcohol abuse, which is true. My first attorney, however, wanted to file for irreconcilable differences. NO WAY I told her. Kids are involved. I ended up changing attorneys and found was that supported my case.
Hugs
I too called my husband`s family for help when he hit me, and his sister said, "Well, what did you do to make him?" He is a narcissist, and I`m pretty sure that his dad is one too, so the entire family is dysfunctional and they are all hell bent on staying together and defending each other no matter what.
My husband did leave bruises, but after the first time his sister didn't believe me, I never went back to them when it happened again. The family and those convinced by a narcissist will give you no help whatsoever, because either they buy the hype about that person, or they are locked into the dysfunctional family, or they may be Ns themselves.
I have also been in other abusive situations where it was difficult to prove what happened, and few people if anyone believed me. No physical violence; just pathological mind games and dishonesty.
I would document everything you have, and keep all correspondence from your husband. Texts, emails, IMs... anything, just to give you confidence. The judge`s decision is one outsider`s viewpoint on one day - it does NOT change what happened to you or make it any less true.
We here are all with you, and we believe you. Huge hugs xxx
Even if they know, even if it happens in front of them. Culturally, there is still so much pressure to make a marriage work! If I ever get a divorce, for sure, I will never marry again for this reason.
Even if your husband laughs in your face, even if nobody ever gets why it is wrong, you know that it is wrong, and that is what matters.
I know this doesn't help you with the judge or the lack of support. But you asked how I dealt with it, and that's what I do. That's what I tell myself.
I hate to say it but the problem is that there is too much cultural baggage intertwined with the Islamic religion. I am a Muslim convert, though I have pretty much left the community meaning I dont attend functions anymore, I stopped talking to any other Muslim women who were my friends just because of how I have been treated since I left my husband. Unfortunately there is a huge male/female hierarchy related to Islam, even though it isnt supposed to be like that and God even says in the Quran that men and women are equal, but in reality, it is nothing like that. I still have my beliefs at the base, but I no longer want to be involved at the level I was before. I took off my headscarf and I am working on trying to find my own path. Part of the mental abuse I was subjected to over all these years involved my stbx twisting the religion and using it against me in any way possible because that was my weak point my stbx was always telling me how men are in charge, how I was sinning if I displeased him, how a wife can go to hell if her husband isnt satisfied, and of course, me being a new Muslim convert, I wanted to be a good Muslim wife so I believed everything he said. I didnt question things I heard or saw, and I just accepted everything as face value because I thought thats just how it was, and that my ultimate reward would be paradise. Everything was so black and white with him, and even in the community. Whenever we had issues, the only advice I got from people (including religious leaders) was to pray for him and be patient no one dared say to leave him, even when things were at their worst. When I went to see the head of the mosque when my stbx confessed having several affairs over the year we were apart (5 women total), he just said well its not THAT bad it could have been worse. REALLY?! I am not doubting the power of prayer but when it is about changing an abuser they need much more than that! Part of the reason I stayed for so long was because I was always guilted into forgiving him, since God forgives us, why cant I forgive him?
Now I know that he has a poor understanding of the religion and I am reflecting on my own values and morals and finding out what I truly believe, but it is hard because I have so many misguided interpretations that have been hammered into my head over these last few years.
Anyway the lawyer I am working with specialises in domestic violence cases - in fact her firm only deals with these issues. She is on my side and we are going for what they call a divorce by "fault" (not sure what it's called in the US) and the reason will be of course for domestic violence. I just hope it turns out in my favor in the end because I feel like justice will finally be served if he has a piece of paper saying that it all ended because of HIM due to his abuse.
I am so glad to have this forum (even though with my 5 month old its hard to connect all the time) and of course, my family.
I also want to say I know how hard it is to tell someone what's happening to you, and be asked if you're "sure" about it. It`s just like, "Well, would I be telling you this if I wasn`t? Do you know how frigging difficult it is to get up the courage to do that??"
It sounds like your friend may be struggling with being controlled and not having the objectivity that you are able to have about your husband`s behaviour. But that doesn't mean you're not doing the right thing. You have the right to talk about what happened to you and to tell your story, as cant74deal also said earlier. Nobody can take that truth from you, even if your husband tries to soil it by playing the victim, or whatever else happens.
Hugs xxx
Good luck
Warm hugs
Also gigglemon, Muslims have the same beliefs for repenting. Actually for the repentence to be accepted, there must be not only a promise but true actions never to do the sin again, so we believe the same thing as you (I'm assuming you're Christian). And, you are so right - he definitely did not change his behavior to fully repent.
For everyone reading this thread, the husband is NOT mistreating his wife because it's an Islamic thing... It's an asshole husband thing!!!
It's also not a Muslim thing; it may be more prevalent due to CULTURE, though.
There are lots of NON-Muslim cultures who are patriarchal that do not give equal rights to women, but it's NOT due to the Qur'an or inherently Muslim/Islamic.
I converted when marrying my Turkish husband and he treats me like gold. His family is so supportive; they would be so sad if they knew I was unhappy in any way. His mother stayed up until 3am due to the time difference just to wish me a happy birthday when I came home from teaching. They always say that paradise is at the foot of the mother. His mom comes and goes as she pleases, runs a prayer house, the daughter graduated from college and is working on her masters. And yes, we all cover.
I am so sorry this is your association with the faith, but it's NOT God's way.
Now that I got that out of the way (hope I wasn't too upset toward you), my advice is to file the report and give the name of your "friend" and let the police go from there. If they contact her, she'll have to say that yes, you did go to her and tell her what you said. I don't think she should have a choice in the matter. It's a legal issue. Witnesses can't refuse to testify unless it's against themselves.
Are these "friends" also Muslim? Do you have any from before you converted? It really stinks big time that you are in this situation. Allah will get you through this. Once you get yourself safe, please try to reach out to people for support. And please know that real Islam condemns all acts of violence- to harm a mother in front of her child is so damaging on all levels and Allah weeps for you and your child and your husband is greatly misguided. Your MIL took his side b/c she was probably treated the same way.
My husband makes his own tea, btw. And Turks HATE cold tea... If you ever want a good Muslim man one day, they are out there.
Feel free to PM if you like.
(I'm stubborn, too, btw... ) : D
If he's so "Islamic," I'd demand my mayr to the fullest extent. I'm wondering if he'd support THIS little site...
http://www.islamswomen.com/marriage/fiqh_of_marriage_6.php
Man, I'd love to take one of my scarves and wrap it around his sac and pull... That "imam," too. : P
Just sayin'.