Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I left my husband THREE years ago. He was a wonderful husband and father for more than twenty years and then he began to abuse prescription drugs and his alcohol intake increased exponentially. He became verbally abusive to myself and to my daughter. After almost six months of it, she and I left. (She was 15)
Oddly, once I left him, I couldn't exactly see anymore how bad it was and I began to grieve the loss of the marriage. I spent more than a year explaining to him, grieving for him, begging him to seek help, begging him to take me back, and all the while he continued the verbal abuse every single day over the phone and I took it. (He is in the military and an ocean separated us)
I spent the next year going through the whole separation and then divorce process, accepting that it was over, but STILL having very emotional, abusive conversations and a couple of visits that turned out awful.
My therapist said that I am in desperate need of NC. For real. Once and for all. My pattern tends to be that I am okay for a few days and then I call and let him abuse me for a few more days and then I stop for a few days before I forget how bad it really is and it starts again.
I need a daily check in place. Can I use this thread as a daily check in on the no contact? I would like to add that while I am currently working on NC now, my goal to truly sever contact will begin Dec. 26. I don't want to fail as I know he will call on Christmas and I fear the emotion of it will cause me to answer. MAYBE I won't and that would be grand.
Right now it has been 1 DAY, 10 HOURS, and 58 MINUTES
Oddly, once I left him, I couldn't exactly see anymore how bad it was and I began to grieve the loss of the marriage. I spent more than a year explaining to him, grieving for him, begging him to seek help, begging him to take me back, and all the while he continued the verbal abuse every single day over the phone and I took it. (He is in the military and an ocean separated us)
I spent the next year going through the whole separation and then divorce process, accepting that it was over, but STILL having very emotional, abusive conversations and a couple of visits that turned out awful.
My therapist said that I am in desperate need of NC. For real. Once and for all. My pattern tends to be that I am okay for a few days and then I call and let him abuse me for a few more days and then I stop for a few days before I forget how bad it really is and it starts again.
I need a daily check in place. Can I use this thread as a daily check in on the no contact? I would like to add that while I am currently working on NC now, my goal to truly sever contact will begin Dec. 26. I don't want to fail as I know he will call on Christmas and I fear the emotion of it will cause me to answer. MAYBE I won't and that would be grand.
Right now it has been 1 DAY, 10 HOURS, and 58 MINUTES
I was so happy earlier. My new apartment is all set up and decorated for Christmas and I was feeling so proud. And yes, I gave my self a home mani/ pedi and watched my beloved Seahawks win and then a few minutes ago.... I just collapsed into a string of texting that i now regret so very much.
All I know to do is to cry it out and begin again.
NC for 9 min.....
I, too, considered my ex my best friend but now as time has passed & see more and more how one sided the relationship was and though it's painful to now see & admit it, it validates that I did the right thing to save myself and my kids.
Don't be so rough on yourself about texting tonight, it's easy to happen. I've been tempted many times, and the holidays and memories make it even harder. When I'm considering contacting him for some reason, I stop and consider if I'm being realistic in the response I'm hoping to receive from him. Then I think about times he yelled, was mean, angry, name calling, etc. and I pray for strength.
Talk kind to yourself, what would you say to a friend.
Don't beat yourself up over the contact just keep trying to stick it out. I look at is as an addiction (for me it is) and I need to stop the bad habit. I quit cigarettes and then coffee and caffeine and now I have to quit my abuser! We all need to. Its not easy to quit! I tried quitting smoking 100 times then finally I had the miracle and it will be 4 years. I'm hoping next year during the holidays I can say No Contact - 1 year!!
If you feel like caving in and texting come on here and post instead. I know its hard sometimes you don't get reply's for a bit but you gota keep trying. Just don't give up and don't feel bad about yourself either! We are all in the same boat. Addicted to the abuser, sounds crazy but its true.
I called him this morning and I could tell by the tone in his voice he had taken the drugs again. He said he was drunk when we talked. He said he couldn't afford to come for Christmas (not true) because of all the money he pays me. He was cruel but he wasn't nice and it was a complete turn around from last night.
Lame. So lame. How many times? Time after time after time. I just feel sick. If I had just stuck through the NC. This wouldn't have happened. Now, I am back at work on Monday morning with tons of new fresh pain. New hurt. Like my therapist says and I know to be true, I keep adding hurt onto hurt. I can't heal from the old hurts because I am just adding more and more to the growing list.
So, I feel weepy at work, I feel weak and I feel sad. I want to cry and scream. And this is MY fault. I did this. I did this again. I know you all are right. One day it will click. Maybe now that I am writing all this down I can see it and remind myself.
So, for now, NC for two hours, 34 minutes. :(
7 hours, 46 minutes
Today will be NC for me again. I will try to follow my own advice. Is it bad that there is that niggling feeling in my heart that hopes he calls and tries to pursue me? Promises to change and all that. I wish could get over it already. People are telling me that the "getting over it" lies in the "no contact".
23 hours, 22 minutes
You are so correct. I had a long talk this morning with my inner self. The poor little girl in me who went straight from Daddys house to this mans house. Both of these men told me every day that I was beautiful and loved and special and perfect. So, when my abuser decided that he liked drugs and alcohol more than his family and began to abuse him, well, I believed it.
When he said I was ugly, a bad mother, a bad wife, a whore, fat and that I had lost my sense of adventure, given up on life, and let myself go.... I guess I believed him. I joined him in the beating myself up, it seems.
Today, I talked to that sweet little girl in me. She was so vulnerable to the abuse. Poor little thing. Now, it is up to the strong side of me to step in and so, no. Protect her. And as a whole, I will not be treated like this.
Further more, he has lost his chance to change and treat me better. That chance has passed. Which means.... drum roll.... there is nothig left to say. So, in steps NO CONTACT. None. Zip. Nada.
1 Day, 33 Minutes
Oh, wanna hear something funny? Just this very second, when I checked my phone for how much time had passed... I had a text from him... starting a conversation about Sinterklass in Holland. (We used to live there) This is how it starts. A sweet conversation to suck me back in. I WILL NOT. NOT TODAY.
PS Angel Grace - thanks for the hug. It showed up also in my email in box and I am keeping it open today while at work to remind myself. xoxo
One day at a time. Not today. NC for today.
I got up the courage to leave him, file for legal separation, and divorce him yet still have to fight truly letting him go. I would say that feels pretty lame except that I am practicing "extreme" self care. Thanks, to my friend who used that word. That is what I am doing right now.
Today I have some anger at what he has done to our lives. It is like an easter basket in a sense. When I married him, I put ALL my eggs in that basket. Everything into our marriage. He took those eggs and shook them around and dropped them on the ground and broke every single one of them. Damn him for that.
I am seeing my therapist today. We are working on feelings of safety because honestly this morning I don't feel safe. I feel under attack. My chest hurts from anxiety and I feel weepy and sad and angry.
The good news .... 2 days, 16 minutes. I surely need strength because I never want to have to relive these last two days again. I want this to be the end of it.