Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
There are many on the board
who are, at this moment, thinking
about or are in the process of
leaving an abusive relationship.
Some see the future ahead as
an adventure. But for many, the
transition out is a scary one with
an uncertain future ahead.
I'm wondering if those who've
gotten out and are living new
lives, will share, along with me,
a little of what it's like.
For me, it was a long-term transition
during which, first, I separated and
moved to a different address. I tried
to see him, for awhile, still half hoping,
I suppose, that there might be a miracle.
There was none, Even separated, the
abuse got worse.
I finally filed and even the divorce
process took a couple years. Part
of the reason it took that long was
that I stood up for and held out for
the settlement to which I was entitled.
When my divorce came through,
my life, which was already somewhat
better, through the years of separation
and working toward divorce. . . . became,
in many, many ways. . . . . a dream come
true. There were aspects that were still
a hassle. Those hassles seemed to
come and go.
I was left with a baseline of WONDERFUL.
My overall health, improved. There were
a couple glitches. Three years ago I had
an episode when I passed kidney stones.
That week was excrutiatingly painful and
really, really EXPENSIVE. After the physical
pain, I spent a year paying off the hospital
bills. There was one other health issue
that I got diagnosed and fixed, and finally,
paid off.
I tried to date. Not a lot of success there.
Still working on that one.
Overall. . . . .ending my abusive marriage
was the single best thing I ever did in
my life. I got healthier. I got happier.
I wake up energized and anticipating
good things. I know bad things will
pop up, but I feel I've dealt with the
worst. It's an exciting adventure
from here.
So, once on my own, there were
still ups and downs. But the downs
have never taken me to the brink of
suicide! And the ups are more frequent
and are not in danger of being destroyed
by a dysfunctional partner.
What's YOUR new life like?
who are, at this moment, thinking
about or are in the process of
leaving an abusive relationship.
Some see the future ahead as
an adventure. But for many, the
transition out is a scary one with
an uncertain future ahead.
I'm wondering if those who've
gotten out and are living new
lives, will share, along with me,
a little of what it's like.
For me, it was a long-term transition
during which, first, I separated and
moved to a different address. I tried
to see him, for awhile, still half hoping,
I suppose, that there might be a miracle.
There was none, Even separated, the
abuse got worse.
I finally filed and even the divorce
process took a couple years. Part
of the reason it took that long was
that I stood up for and held out for
the settlement to which I was entitled.
When my divorce came through,
my life, which was already somewhat
better, through the years of separation
and working toward divorce. . . . became,
in many, many ways. . . . . a dream come
true. There were aspects that were still
a hassle. Those hassles seemed to
come and go.
I was left with a baseline of WONDERFUL.
My overall health, improved. There were
a couple glitches. Three years ago I had
an episode when I passed kidney stones.
That week was excrutiatingly painful and
really, really EXPENSIVE. After the physical
pain, I spent a year paying off the hospital
bills. There was one other health issue
that I got diagnosed and fixed, and finally,
paid off.
I tried to date. Not a lot of success there.
Still working on that one.
Overall. . . . .ending my abusive marriage
was the single best thing I ever did in
my life. I got healthier. I got happier.
I wake up energized and anticipating
good things. I know bad things will
pop up, but I feel I've dealt with the
worst. It's an exciting adventure
from here.
So, once on my own, there were
still ups and downs. But the downs
have never taken me to the brink of
suicide! And the ups are more frequent
and are not in danger of being destroyed
by a dysfunctional partner.
What's YOUR new life like?
I have moved jobs, moved cities, have a beautiful new apartment and a job I enjoy. (i had a toxic work environment at the same time that I decided to walk away from too)
My life now is PEACEFUL. It is quite nice. I have times of loneliness, but they are getting less and less.
I enjoy my time with myself. I started a garden at my new work. I am planning a trip away with my dad for 2 weeks this summer.
Life is just so peaceful. That is what I feel now. I feel afraid somedays about what is next in my life, but I know that I have so much life left and after taking the time to just sit in my aloneness till I got peaceful, I know that whatever I build from here will be authentic and healthy.
I actually feel joy for no reason now. Just happy. It's so cool.
It's amazing. And it's only been 3 months since I blocked him completely. I still have some healing to do, but I feel very hopeful.
I don't miss the constant stress and feeling so tense all the time.
PEACEFUL ME IS GOOD!
It was so hard to leave. After 3 months in a women's refuge I found my own little place for me and my kids. I had very little furniture. The kids had their beds and rooms set up, we had a table and chairs, bare essentials for cooking etc and I slept on the floor with only a blanket and pillow. Even when I did get a foam mattress for myself, sleep alluded me.
Raising children on my own was hard - there were a lot of hard things. But we did it.
The only time I had to see him was when he picked up the kids for access visits. Because of the manipulation that would occur, I often felt I would never totally free. I kept my thoughts and anger/fear/tears to myself and did my best not to let it affect my kids. They were badly affected nonetheless. But had I stayed, they would have been badly affected anyway.
We have been through a lot that I wont go into here, but today I am happy. I remarried 17 years ago. My husband is so very kind and respectful and he adores me and I him.
The other night I arrived home from work to find music playing, my kids happily colouring and my fiance cleaning the stove. He greeted me with kisses and cuddles and I sat down with a glass of wine. We made home made pizzas and sang along to the music (all four of us) and my fiance and I stood up and danced in the dining room for a while.
As we ate dinner I said to my Fiance and kids, "can you imagine living in a less happy house than this?"
We all can. My fiance had an unhappy childhood, I had an abusive marriage and my poor kids still have to spend weekends at their dad's where no doubt he yells at his new girlfriend.
this last and the others
who've responded.
Please keep them coming.
Today is the fourteenth anniversary
of my having moved the first load
of my things out of the marital home.
(Some may know that story. When
he arrived home from work, July 9, 1998,
after I'd served him dinner and cleaned up,
I said to him: I'm just never going to be a
good enough housekeeper for you and
you deserve better. [[[[This was sarcastic.]]]
Tomorrow, I'm taking the van and moving out.
Just wanted you to know, so if you arrived home
before I got the van back, you didn't think it was
stolen.)
I see fourteen years as two full "life cycles."
The first could be titled, "Escaping." The
second, "Recovering."
Today I embark on a new cycle:
TRANSCENDING.
One foot in front of the other; there is no going back for me. Ever.
Seawee
We never leave together (thanks GOD for that, my sanity wasn't gone completely, since I never let him move in), we spend weekend and some other days together.
It was awful.
It's a past.
How it is now.
I work, I do (almost everyday) my favorite activities.
When weather is good, I'm outside skating.
Now and then I go out for Happy Hours with girlfriends.
Went vacations oversees.
Plan to do some other adventures.
I take every workshop or class I'm interested (couldn't do with him- 'cause he never have any money).
I take one day at the time.
First Christmas w/o him - was OK, I didn't die?
Got myself bunch of gifts (which I never get anything meaningfull from him - he was cheap beyond belief).
Went New Years Eve dancing party w/o him and it was great.
First Valentine's Day w/o him.....so, it's just another day.
And go on and on and on....
I find out, that still miss him now and then (physical part only), but what a joy to wake up Saturday morning and realize that you don't have to make breakfast for him, clean up after etc.
I have a coffe and breakfast br on my balcony, enjoying my animal companion and pretty outside view.
I do whatever I want to do, I go whatever I want to go-it feels really good.
Actually is getting better and better everyday.
I'm open and smiley and full of hope for better future.
I'm still with my therapist and still checking out this website (which helps a lot).
But I know, that one day I will not need support anymore, one day i will be totally whole again, and that day comming closer and closer.
I know that one day I will meet somebody I fell in love with, but this time it will be real love.
I know it will come, that special person waiting for me.
As far as now, I'm happy, I feel better and I look better.
Peaceful and relaxed.
I am free to do and think and say what I please without fear of repercussions, tantrums, snide remarks, drunken tirades, cold shoulders or crazy making conversations and all of the other things I dealt with being married to an abusive alcoholic.
there are many areas of my life i'm still working on, most other areas and the process of improvement is very very slow but I am progressing. my life is far from perfect but the fear is gone and for me that is more than half the battle.
my mental health has improved immensely. living in fear and trepidation caused so many problems for me and now they are gone along with the abusers. Thinking back i am certain in my case no amount of medication would have worked because the cause, the root cause of my angst and fear would still have been in my life. It's only in removing myself from the abusers did I start to get healthy again.
I've been out over a year, divorce is final, but court dates still loom.
I feel like my recovery has been especially slow because I still have to deal with him a couple times a week exchanging kids and the court mess because he won't honor the decree.
However.......
I'm beginning to feel human and experience joy again.
My health is tons better, and I'm becoming used to not living under the ridicule and control.
I love taking classes, meeting people, and doing all the things I was never allowed to do.
I eat when I want, sleep when I want, shop when I want....
ahh...the good life.
I was with my emotionally abusive ex for 8 years, married for 2. I left about 6 months ago, and I have never been happier than I am now. Getting out of the relationship was the hardest thing I've ever done. I left and came back three times before leaving for good. The third time I cut all contact and stayed away.
I had to get a restraining order, which was granted almost immediately. I got a divorce, which went very smoothly due to no children or property.
When I first left, I lived with my mom, and then later moved to an apartment in a new city.
There is a life after leaving! A better one! I hope that you all can find it.
So many things you are thinking are YOU, are because you are so stressed out. Health issues, anger issues, depression..etc...
It's amazing when you are no longer living in constant tension and angry emotions how so many things just right themselves.
I realize now that so many of my emotional "problems" were a direct result of the relationship I was in.
Even if you don't know how you will do it alone, just know that one day you WILL be better off by leaving.
Anyway, I'm healthier for the most part. I can't seem to get rid of a Staph infection I got when he manipulated the system to have me committed to a mental hospital, but other than that I'm MUCH healthier.
I'm much happier too. Life seems to have so many possibilities now. I look forward to the future instead of dreading it. I can do what I want without worrying about his reaction. My money is MY money. I can actually renew my family relationships now! I can make friends. I can do things MY WAY.
My children seem much happier too. I'm not constantly worried about keeping them out of trouble with him. They aren't emotional and walking on eggshells anymore. They are allowed to be kids again. They aren't subject to his broken promises except during visitations.
The best thing... I can SLEEP at night without being rudely awoken by cursing and rantings and breaking objects. and I don't get called "lazy" for getting a good night's sleep or taking a nap.
well, when I was with him, there was his booze, cigarettes, pot, his nice clothes, and all of the other expensive habits-plus, he ate like a freaking pig!
I make very little money, yet I buy myself nice little things, stuff to do crafts, clothes on sale, whatever I want. the money is mine and there is no one to answer to if I overspend, but I live quite frugally, yet will spend good money on good things..
I feel like a spoiled princess, and I am the one doing the spoiling.
You deserve all the best this world has to offer!!!!!
I haven't left yet, however I have mastered the art of being disengaged.
I have opened my own bank account, and am putting money away for my future.
I am focusing on my needs and learning who I am.....
if I had a vision board....on it I see myself in a cozy little co-op with my tiny little dog, lots of books and peace.