Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
There are many on the board
who are, at this moment, thinking
about or are in the process of
leaving an abusive relationship.
Some see the future ahead as
an adventure. But for many, the
transition out is a scary one with
an uncertain future ahead.
I'm wondering if those who've
gotten out and are living new
lives, will share, along with me,
a little of what it's like.
For me, it was a long-term transition
during which, first, I separated and
moved to a different address. I tried
to see him, for awhile, still half hoping,
I suppose, that there might be a miracle.
There was none, Even separated, the
abuse got worse.
I finally filed and even the divorce
process took a couple years. Part
of the reason it took that long was
that I stood up for and held out for
the settlement to which I was entitled.
When my divorce came through,
my life, which was already somewhat
better, through the years of separation
and working toward divorce. . . . became,
in many, many ways. . . . . a dream come
true. There were aspects that were still
a hassle. Those hassles seemed to
come and go.
I was left with a baseline of WONDERFUL.
My overall health, improved. There were
a couple glitches. Three years ago I had
an episode when I passed kidney stones.
That week was excrutiatingly painful and
really, really EXPENSIVE. After the physical
pain, I spent a year paying off the hospital
bills. There was one other health issue
that I got diagnosed and fixed, and finally,
paid off.
I tried to date. Not a lot of success there.
Still working on that one.
Overall. . . . .ending my abusive marriage
was the single best thing I ever did in
my life. I got healthier. I got happier.
I wake up energized and anticipating
good things. I know bad things will
pop up, but I feel I've dealt with the
worst. It's an exciting adventure
from here.
So, once on my own, there were
still ups and downs. But the downs
have never taken me to the brink of
suicide! And the ups are more frequent
and are not in danger of being destroyed
by a dysfunctional partner.
What's YOUR new life like?
who are, at this moment, thinking
about or are in the process of
leaving an abusive relationship.
Some see the future ahead as
an adventure. But for many, the
transition out is a scary one with
an uncertain future ahead.
I'm wondering if those who've
gotten out and are living new
lives, will share, along with me,
a little of what it's like.
For me, it was a long-term transition
during which, first, I separated and
moved to a different address. I tried
to see him, for awhile, still half hoping,
I suppose, that there might be a miracle.
There was none, Even separated, the
abuse got worse.
I finally filed and even the divorce
process took a couple years. Part
of the reason it took that long was
that I stood up for and held out for
the settlement to which I was entitled.
When my divorce came through,
my life, which was already somewhat
better, through the years of separation
and working toward divorce. . . . became,
in many, many ways. . . . . a dream come
true. There were aspects that were still
a hassle. Those hassles seemed to
come and go.
I was left with a baseline of WONDERFUL.
My overall health, improved. There were
a couple glitches. Three years ago I had
an episode when I passed kidney stones.
That week was excrutiatingly painful and
really, really EXPENSIVE. After the physical
pain, I spent a year paying off the hospital
bills. There was one other health issue
that I got diagnosed and fixed, and finally,
paid off.
I tried to date. Not a lot of success there.
Still working on that one.
Overall. . . . .ending my abusive marriage
was the single best thing I ever did in
my life. I got healthier. I got happier.
I wake up energized and anticipating
good things. I know bad things will
pop up, but I feel I've dealt with the
worst. It's an exciting adventure
from here.
So, once on my own, there were
still ups and downs. But the downs
have never taken me to the brink of
suicide! And the ups are more frequent
and are not in danger of being destroyed
by a dysfunctional partner.
What's YOUR new life like?
you are an inspiration! :)
There is indeed life after escaping from abuse. For me, an imaginary switch turned to "OFF" in my brain. I didn't love my husband anymore. When he verbally attacked me in couples therapy my therapist asked him to leave and told me to come back. She made me see the abuse and saved my life.
I divorced too quickly. I wanted to shed him like a wet, prickly sweater and pushed to be divorced in three months. I sacrificed alimony to do so.
It was hard to leave and I remember that I had doubts and fears. Instead of curling up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position (which is what I felt like doing) I called friends and family. I took long walks in the woods. I made art and music. I re-read my journals that I used to keep when I was much younger. In short, I reclaimed my old self.
My ex has made it very easy to never, ever think of going back to him. Even six years later he harasses me as much as he can as we share custody of our son. We only communicate by email. Now it is easy for me to see what a sick narcissist he is, how he cannot even put his son's needs before his own. He enjoys creating chaos and revels in negativity. Ick.
I now live with a great man in a great home and am free of abuse in all areas of my life. I will probably never get married again and that is OK with me. I have lots of freedom to be myself and to raise my son (mostly) as I would like with the help of a patient, responsible and caring man.
I get to choose my friends. I get to wear the clothes I want, to wear my hair the way I want. I get to see my family when I want. I get to eat the food I want, I listen to the music I want. Best of all, I can hear that still small voice inside of ME that talks to me, talks about my dreams, whispers sweet nothings into my psyche at night...
I was married for 11-1/2 years and spent way too much time trying to make something better that couldn't be fixed. Living abuse free has allowed me to figure out who I am and where I want to go. Life is sweet and too short to live with abuse in any form.
I sacrificed financial security, health insurance, my home, my neighbors, his family, our friends, and my social status. But everything I have gained is absolutely priceless. I am me.
If I can get out, anybody can.
I should add that in the time
I left, I've written a whole bunch
of good stuff, I've gotten physically
fit, and I've made a couple of long term
dreams come true, including learning
to produce a weekly public access program
and learning animated video editing.
I garden, I cook, I take nature walks
and I love my friends. I love myself
and I love my life.
I separated almost 2 years ago, and like Ilene said, waited for a long time for that "miracle" to happen - some kind of sign that it was right for us to get back together again. But he continued in his abuse and stubborn self-righteousness, and it became more and more apparent that it would be a disaster for us to try and reconcile. I finally filed for divorce after a year of separation. It was just final last month.
I am still in some ways reeling emotionally, and grieving. I definitely still have down days, and old stresses have been replaced with new stresses (being a single mom, worrying about money, being lonely). My health has improved in some ways, but has stayed poor in others. I've lost my health insurance, and that is terrifying as I have chronic health issues and can't work.
But there are lots of positives, as well. I have reconnected with old friends, and made many new friends. My kids and I get together with 1 or 2 friends (or more!) every single week. ( Before we were so isolated - my ex couldn't stand me to have friends or do anything without him.) I finally had the courage to enroll the kids in different extracurricular activities (before I was afraid of taking time away from him and not having his dinner on the table on time every night.) My daughter and mine's relationship has blossomed. No it is not perfect, but before she was such a Daddy's girl, it was like I didn't even exist. Now we are closer than ever. My son who is autistic has made great strides with treatment (His dad didn't believe he was autistic or needed treatment, so I never pursued it before). I actually have time to myself every other weekend when the kids see their dad. This is HUGE for me, as I have homeschooled my kids since birth, thus have been with them 24/7 for years and NEVER had time to myself.
There are definite positives, and I just have to remind myself of them when I am having one of my down, grieving days. I KNOW that I did the right thing, and I believe that it will just get better and better over time!!
Once I found out what I was married to, I joined this support group, sought out divorce counceling and committed to truly healing from this at the rate suggested of giving yourself one year for every four that you are married.
My X still had control over me as I was living in the marital home. Due to market conditions and his stalling to settle, like Ilene, I held out until I got what I deserved from an 18 year marriage. I did not budge.
I set out after a mourning process of about a year (its all here in the archives)of taking back everything that was taken form me. I went to all the firmiliar places alone and eventually inside of them until I could actually ask for a table and enjoy a meal (all without my X). I called it "my taking it back"
Long story short, I am now in my new home. I got what I asked for in the divorce originally even though he held out for almost four years. I have everything that I said I would have in my new home and I am happier than I have ever been.
I am able to enjoy my grandkids without suggestions or him being critical or rude or me subjecting them to his abuse.
I am back in the world and loving my new life.
A few things I learned is:
* They do not change.
* They do not love.
* Yes it was on purpose
* Yes it was all a lie
* Yes he did move on
* No, it was never about me
and more. But most important. When someone hurts you and they tell someone else they are sorry they did it. That is not true remorse or regret. In true remorse or regret, you acknowledge the damage you have done and come to a place where you are compelled to say I am sorry to the person you hurt and then let them sit back and watch you become the person who is so sorry they ever hurt you.
Love to all my girls here who held my hand through my journey. I am on the other side as you guys said would happen. I made it out. I am free!!
We enjoy each other's company and engage intimacy in every aspect of the word.
Yes, there is life after you leave an abuser.
oh man..I never thought I would make it! I seriously thought we'd be living in a cardboard box under a bridge.
I wasn't working,was homeschooling my kids, had no money, no skills..
we went first into a shelter...
with their help, I got on social assistance (welfare)..found a basement suite, got moved in...
at first, it was mattresses on the floor, and me in fetal position, holding my gut in anxiety..
I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep (hadn't been able to for months-while still with my abuser)
I wish I could show people just how terrified I was to leave. how I thought that we wouldn't make it..and like someone else said:
if I was able to make it-ANYONE could make it.
the first few months were HARD. I won't lie.
every time my ex phoned to talk to the kids, I'd almost throw up with fear. my heart would pound. my armpits would sweat.
there were times where I wasn't sure how I was going to pay my rent..deal with my kids properly, ever sleep or eat again..
I'd think of certain things, and my stomach would just sink..
going to court..dealing with protection orders..getting a vehicle..worried that ex would kill us/me/himself..
it's been 9 months now..I'm housecleaning..making pretty ok money..it will be better in the fall when the kids are in school..
bit by bit, I'm made my basement suite SO cute!!! (no, not cute-super COOL!)..
my bedroom is a girly room..with a map of Paris on one wall..a white, feathered lamp shade..a beautiful painting of a flower..
on the weekends, when the kids are at their dads, I go out with friends, not having to worry about when I have to be home..
I have long baths..eat what I want..go where and when and with whom I want..I wear what I want..
all of those anxieties? 99% of them are gone...it's rare that I have stomach sinking terror now..it still does happen, though I can't remember the last time it did..
I'm eating. I'm sleeping. though now, I think I might have an ulcer. I'm getting tested on wednesday.
I've gained weight, and gotten stronger, and am looking WAY better than I used to...
I wish I could have had a way of looking into the future, so that I could have relaxed while leaving..I wish that I didn't have to live with all of that fear and uncertainty...
so happy that I got the guts to leave.
I pray for everyone on this board to be able to summon up the courage to leave as well...
For me though, the best thing to happen to me since we split is that today, only today, was I able to feel anger at someone other than myself. I am so angry with him (and my other abusers from my distant past) and I never was able to manage that before. But today, I woke up at 9.15am. OK, I never got to sleep till nearly 3am, but that is usual for me these days, if I get to sleep at all. But I have been waking at 5.30, 6.00am every morning. So I slept for over 6 hours! And I was so angry when I woke (I want to use a four letter word to illustrate how angry). So real progress for me. Its still early days, but my future loks to be shaping up quite nicely
There was a time, just before
I split up, that I worried about
how I'd deal with waking up
from nightmares, when I was
alone by myself.
So. . . . . after a while of being
along by myself, I realized one
day. . . . . that I'd stopped having
wake-me-up-shaking nightmares.
..yea, that beautiful image was kinda shattered when he called at the end of that year and confessed to eating months-old applesauce "because my lips had touched it" and kissing a piece of paper i blotted my lipstick on and describing it as "the best part of his day." not so romantic. really super creepy lol
but during that year, without noticing it, i did start to have a life. i have things i actually like to do - little routines, taking bubble baths, reading a book with a glass of wine, watching fraiser and cooking organic food.. it sounds dumb but i realize now that i was actually pretty content doing all that stuff - just left to be me :)
i moved back recently (to be around friends and family) and i was amazed at how quickly i was back to square one. all of that emotional progress just erased, almost instantaneously, by seeing him in person and talking. but i realize now (a couple weeks out) that i really HAVE made progress, because my family was able to "reel me back in" a whole lot quicker :)
i think i'm going to move again... why set myself up for failure staying this close to him?... it is hard for me to muster up passion (for anything!) but at least now i WANT to... so i know i'm on the right track :)
right now i'm at the "fake it til u make it" phase of my healing :) i'm not ok inside... but i feel a little bit of that stubborn determination that i used to have coming back, and i think things will turn around soon :)
But.....I knew, I was sure, I would win. Every day, I knew it, I never ever doubted it. I dreamed about when it was over, how it would be. It is, EXACTLY, like my dream.
I just want to say, that my life now is like a dream. I pinch myself every day to see if it's real. I wake up in gratitude, for all the blessings I have. And for all the horrors I don't. And that my son shares it all with me.
Just know this, that EVER DAY of freedom, even the bad, scary fearful ones are 10000% better than ANY day with an abuser, even the ones that seem to have momentary happiness.
I'm not even done with it all yet. I'm back at court next Monday as he tries to stop from giving me the balance of what he owes me. I don't even flinch when I go to court anymore, it's nothing, I've been there dozens of times. I know I'll win, in the end there's nothing he can do.
Life is an amazing gift. Once you are free of him, not only physically but emotionally, the Universe will fill that space with all the stuff your dreams. Dream big! Dream JOY!!