Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am going to do something here that I am hoping will be theraputic for myself as well as maybe for others...Maybe give give someone who is seeking answers about their abusive relationship an insight to thier possible future.
The following will be long and detailed. The notes I made to myself during my 5 yr. ordeal with the man I loved. The thoughts I had during the abuse. I am opening my soul up here in hopes of better understanding myself and hoping others can give me some insight. The first entry was about 2 yrs. into my stuggle to survive.
Feb. 12, 09...I just have the most awful feeling that this is never going to stop. He is never going to be nice to me. Because I just can't be what he wants me to be. I can't think the way he wants me to think. I can't feel the things he wants me to feel. Maybe I should think of leaving. But I love him, how can I walk away from him. He may change he may wake up one day and realize he loves me.
Nov.9, 09... He laughed at me and made fun of me. He says I am stupid, that I don't have a brain in my head. Because if I did I wouldn't be here. Is he right should i not be here. Am I stupid? I must be. Cause I'm still here.
Jan. 22, 10... Tonight he put his hands around my throat and chocked me till I passed out. Would he have killed me? Will he kill me? Why are you still here Sammi, why are you still here? Because you love him.
Mar.17, 10...He sat me down today and told me that he had a meeting with his family and told them that I was source of our problems and that he was being pushed to the point of beating me with in an inch of my life and leaving me for dead. He told his family that I was the source of the problem. Is he out of his fucking mind.
May 30, 10....Today I have become the nasty disgusting whore he has been burdened with. And he tells me if it is the last thing he does when he is done with me no one will ever be able to love me again. I will be useless and used up. It almost feels like he has a plan and the plan is how to destroy me as a person. Like he actually has this planned out. Why am I still here? Because dear god I love him and I can't any longer understand why. So run Sammi run as fast and as far as you can...I can't, I just can't
June 16, 11... He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you, he doesn't need you, He doesn't want to see you, He doesn't want to be hear you , nor does he want to be near you. So why the hell are you still here???????
Dec. 22, 11... I brought home a charlie brown tree so we would have a tree for christmas. He is so sick and he is so misserable. When he went out to the kitchen to look at it. I was so excited about this stupid little tree maybe bringing some happiness into our home. He looked at it and I heard him say. Stupid Bitch and he thru it in the trash can. I give up.. No more trying no more caring. I have got to get out of here. But he is so sick and I can't abandon him when he needs me most.
Jan. 13, 12... He says he hates me and all of this is my fault. He can't even get out of bed he is so sick. And he is still trying to take me down with him..Why does he hate me so. I have waited on him hand and foot, changed the way I do everything to keep him happy and he still is hurting me even as he is dying.
Feb. 25, 12.... Terry is so sick and I know he is going to die. He laid with his back to me today. And he said Sammi, I answered him with , what Baby and he said " Always remember for the rest of your life. That I love you and you are the best thing that has ever come into my life..Just remember that I will always love you..To late Terry, too late....
When he died on Feb.27.. All I could think of was why would he leave me with those words. Was he trying to fix it all before he left. Did he mean it? Did he know what he was doing was wrong and he wanted me to know despite it all he really did love me?
I am so confused as to what I should think. I know now I should have left him a long time ago. I know I did everything I could to make him happy. But now how do i resolve all this in my heart. I can't find my way home. I can't find peace of mind. It is almost as if weven after death he is still torturing me...
The following will be long and detailed. The notes I made to myself during my 5 yr. ordeal with the man I loved. The thoughts I had during the abuse. I am opening my soul up here in hopes of better understanding myself and hoping others can give me some insight. The first entry was about 2 yrs. into my stuggle to survive.
Feb. 12, 09...I just have the most awful feeling that this is never going to stop. He is never going to be nice to me. Because I just can't be what he wants me to be. I can't think the way he wants me to think. I can't feel the things he wants me to feel. Maybe I should think of leaving. But I love him, how can I walk away from him. He may change he may wake up one day and realize he loves me.
Nov.9, 09... He laughed at me and made fun of me. He says I am stupid, that I don't have a brain in my head. Because if I did I wouldn't be here. Is he right should i not be here. Am I stupid? I must be. Cause I'm still here.
Jan. 22, 10... Tonight he put his hands around my throat and chocked me till I passed out. Would he have killed me? Will he kill me? Why are you still here Sammi, why are you still here? Because you love him.
Mar.17, 10...He sat me down today and told me that he had a meeting with his family and told them that I was source of our problems and that he was being pushed to the point of beating me with in an inch of my life and leaving me for dead. He told his family that I was the source of the problem. Is he out of his fucking mind.
May 30, 10....Today I have become the nasty disgusting whore he has been burdened with. And he tells me if it is the last thing he does when he is done with me no one will ever be able to love me again. I will be useless and used up. It almost feels like he has a plan and the plan is how to destroy me as a person. Like he actually has this planned out. Why am I still here? Because dear god I love him and I can't any longer understand why. So run Sammi run as fast and as far as you can...I can't, I just can't
June 16, 11... He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you, he doesn't need you, He doesn't want to see you, He doesn't want to be hear you , nor does he want to be near you. So why the hell are you still here???????
Dec. 22, 11... I brought home a charlie brown tree so we would have a tree for christmas. He is so sick and he is so misserable. When he went out to the kitchen to look at it. I was so excited about this stupid little tree maybe bringing some happiness into our home. He looked at it and I heard him say. Stupid Bitch and he thru it in the trash can. I give up.. No more trying no more caring. I have got to get out of here. But he is so sick and I can't abandon him when he needs me most.
Jan. 13, 12... He says he hates me and all of this is my fault. He can't even get out of bed he is so sick. And he is still trying to take me down with him..Why does he hate me so. I have waited on him hand and foot, changed the way I do everything to keep him happy and he still is hurting me even as he is dying.
Feb. 25, 12.... Terry is so sick and I know he is going to die. He laid with his back to me today. And he said Sammi, I answered him with , what Baby and he said " Always remember for the rest of your life. That I love you and you are the best thing that has ever come into my life..Just remember that I will always love you..To late Terry, too late....
When he died on Feb.27.. All I could think of was why would he leave me with those words. Was he trying to fix it all before he left. Did he mean it? Did he know what he was doing was wrong and he wanted me to know despite it all he really did love me?
I am so confused as to what I should think. I know now I should have left him a long time ago. I know I did everything I could to make him happy. But now how do i resolve all this in my heart. I can't find my way home. I can't find peace of mind. It is almost as if weven after death he is still torturing me...
only to have unending pain, now.
Here are some things to consider. . . . .
An abuser who chokes is an abuser
who can and might kill.
When, at the end, he swore
that he loved you. . . . . . .
he might really have meant it
(though abusers can't really love)
OR
he might still have been
attempting to abuse you.
My personal perspective
is that it was a dying wish
that he hadn't lived a life
that was so twisted and
damaged inside, and
that he wished he
had been healthier
physically and emotionally.
But, he was who he was.
He died a damaged abuser.
He was REALLY LUCKY that
he hadn't managed to kill you
or drive you away, and that
someone. . . . his victim
no less. . . . . was there for
him so he didn't have to
die alone.
If you haven't already, I urge
you to find a therapist whose
specialty is abuse and trauma,
and to work with that person
for as long as it takes to recover.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
As far as knowing what they did wrong. I think that maybe sometimes they will know that what they did was wrong. But it does not mean they will stop or change. They just regret the actions themselves, not the reasons behind them. I think that abusers can love you. But, that love is a very different meaning in their minds.
some abusers may
feel badly about
something they did.
Most of the time,
abusers, if they
feel badly, feel
badly about not
pulling off the "heist"
as they envisioned it.
Guess I just have a
pretty dim view on
most abusers.
It was a weak statement from a weak man, trying to undo all the damage he did in his lifetime. You can have compassion for him, for his illness, for his weakness, for his inability to really love anyone, including himself. But don't fall for the "I always loved you" as if it came from a healthy man. It came from an abuser, like Ilene said. It came from a man who wouldn't know love if he tripped over it and landed face down in it.
He like many abusers had a program he followed I will make her feel like shit, I will hurt her feelings, I will say awful things to her that will blow her mind. I willphysically and emotionally intimidate her and then i will knock her down and kick her around. And the when she finally reacts and is hurt and angry with me. I will tell her how much i love her and how I can't live without her. So she will stay and i can continue the program.
I am not certain if the biggest anger I feel is at my self for trying to be a good person and stay by his side no matter what. Or my anger at him for taking someone who loved him with all thier heart and destoying thier very being. And taking great delight in it.
I will always say to myself. Why, why Sammie didn't you walk away. When every thing in your being was telling you to run and hide. Why did I keep standing up and letting him knock me down again.
This is what makes me feel like he was right. I was stupid and I was weak. My brain was screaming get out. And I just kept staying and taking it. What is it about me as person that allowed me to do this to myself....
stupid or weak.
You were being abused.
That effects how we're
able to manage our life.
STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.
Start LOVING YOURSELF
and RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love yourself. Just because he couldn't, doesn't lessen the fact that you are an amazing, beautiful woman, with the common thread of humanity running in your veins. End the power he had over you now, and begin to see yourself for who you REALLY are.
big hugs....
For so many years, I didn't even know it was abuse. I thought he was having a bad day. a bad week. a bad month. a bad season. a bad job.
there were lots of stretches of wonderfulness, where I thought we were the perfect couple. we laughed together, had some really good times...
then he would rage, and always said it was because I 'drove him to it' or the asshole guys at work..or the assholes at the bank, and why didn't I stick up for him? was I on their side?
and then right back to wonderfulness again...
it was mind-boggling.
Many of the things you said I too have asked myself, but I refuse to blame myself for being abused and neither should you. It wasn't your fault.
I spent a year telling myself every night (almost) that tomorrow I was going to file for a divorce. I would wake up and have completely forgotten everything from the night before.
Looking back I am shocked at the denial I was in, how strong my mind was in hiding the fear. I wrote stuff down and would read it later and not remember it!!!
It does get better, I am having more days of forgiving myself less shame and anger than I did. I've been out 7 months now.
Hang in there and definitely find a counsellor who can help with abuse issues. Take really good care of yourself, even if it's really hard to do.