Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am going to do something here that I am hoping will be theraputic for myself as well as maybe for others...Maybe give give someone who is seeking answers about their abusive relationship an insight to thier possible future.
The following will be long and detailed. The notes I made to myself during my 5 yr. ordeal with the man I loved. The thoughts I had during the abuse. I am opening my soul up here in hopes of better understanding myself and hoping others can give me some insight. The first entry was about 2 yrs. into my stuggle to survive.
Feb. 12, 09...I just have the most awful feeling that this is never going to stop. He is never going to be nice to me. Because I just can't be what he wants me to be. I can't think the way he wants me to think. I can't feel the things he wants me to feel. Maybe I should think of leaving. But I love him, how can I walk away from him. He may change he may wake up one day and realize he loves me.
Nov.9, 09... He laughed at me and made fun of me. He says I am stupid, that I don't have a brain in my head. Because if I did I wouldn't be here. Is he right should i not be here. Am I stupid? I must be. Cause I'm still here.
Jan. 22, 10... Tonight he put his hands around my throat and chocked me till I passed out. Would he have killed me? Will he kill me? Why are you still here Sammi, why are you still here? Because you love him.
Mar.17, 10...He sat me down today and told me that he had a meeting with his family and told them that I was source of our problems and that he was being pushed to the point of beating me with in an inch of my life and leaving me for dead. He told his family that I was the source of the problem. Is he out of his fucking mind.
May 30, 10....Today I have become the nasty disgusting whore he has been burdened with. And he tells me if it is the last thing he does when he is done with me no one will ever be able to love me again. I will be useless and used up. It almost feels like he has a plan and the plan is how to destroy me as a person. Like he actually has this planned out. Why am I still here? Because dear god I love him and I can't any longer understand why. So run Sammi run as fast and as far as you can...I can't, I just can't
June 16, 11... He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you, he doesn't need you, He doesn't want to see you, He doesn't want to be hear you , nor does he want to be near you. So why the hell are you still here???????
Dec. 22, 11... I brought home a charlie brown tree so we would have a tree for christmas. He is so sick and he is so misserable. When he went out to the kitchen to look at it. I was so excited about this stupid little tree maybe bringing some happiness into our home. He looked at it and I heard him say. Stupid Bitch and he thru it in the trash can. I give up.. No more trying no more caring. I have got to get out of here. But he is so sick and I can't abandon him when he needs me most.
Jan. 13, 12... He says he hates me and all of this is my fault. He can't even get out of bed he is so sick. And he is still trying to take me down with him..Why does he hate me so. I have waited on him hand and foot, changed the way I do everything to keep him happy and he still is hurting me even as he is dying.
Feb. 25, 12.... Terry is so sick and I know he is going to die. He laid with his back to me today. And he said Sammi, I answered him with , what Baby and he said " Always remember for the rest of your life. That I love you and you are the best thing that has ever come into my life..Just remember that I will always love you..To late Terry, too late....
When he died on Feb.27.. All I could think of was why would he leave me with those words. Was he trying to fix it all before he left. Did he mean it? Did he know what he was doing was wrong and he wanted me to know despite it all he really did love me?
I am so confused as to what I should think. I know now I should have left him a long time ago. I know I did everything I could to make him happy. But now how do i resolve all this in my heart. I can't find my way home. I can't find peace of mind. It is almost as if weven after death he is still torturing me...
The following will be long and detailed. The notes I made to myself during my 5 yr. ordeal with the man I loved. The thoughts I had during the abuse. I am opening my soul up here in hopes of better understanding myself and hoping others can give me some insight. The first entry was about 2 yrs. into my stuggle to survive.
Feb. 12, 09...I just have the most awful feeling that this is never going to stop. He is never going to be nice to me. Because I just can't be what he wants me to be. I can't think the way he wants me to think. I can't feel the things he wants me to feel. Maybe I should think of leaving. But I love him, how can I walk away from him. He may change he may wake up one day and realize he loves me.
Nov.9, 09... He laughed at me and made fun of me. He says I am stupid, that I don't have a brain in my head. Because if I did I wouldn't be here. Is he right should i not be here. Am I stupid? I must be. Cause I'm still here.
Jan. 22, 10... Tonight he put his hands around my throat and chocked me till I passed out. Would he have killed me? Will he kill me? Why are you still here Sammi, why are you still here? Because you love him.
Mar.17, 10...He sat me down today and told me that he had a meeting with his family and told them that I was source of our problems and that he was being pushed to the point of beating me with in an inch of my life and leaving me for dead. He told his family that I was the source of the problem. Is he out of his fucking mind.
May 30, 10....Today I have become the nasty disgusting whore he has been burdened with. And he tells me if it is the last thing he does when he is done with me no one will ever be able to love me again. I will be useless and used up. It almost feels like he has a plan and the plan is how to destroy me as a person. Like he actually has this planned out. Why am I still here? Because dear god I love him and I can't any longer understand why. So run Sammi run as fast and as far as you can...I can't, I just can't
June 16, 11... He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you, he doesn't need you, He doesn't want to see you, He doesn't want to be hear you , nor does he want to be near you. So why the hell are you still here???????
Dec. 22, 11... I brought home a charlie brown tree so we would have a tree for christmas. He is so sick and he is so misserable. When he went out to the kitchen to look at it. I was so excited about this stupid little tree maybe bringing some happiness into our home. He looked at it and I heard him say. Stupid Bitch and he thru it in the trash can. I give up.. No more trying no more caring. I have got to get out of here. But he is so sick and I can't abandon him when he needs me most.
Jan. 13, 12... He says he hates me and all of this is my fault. He can't even get out of bed he is so sick. And he is still trying to take me down with him..Why does he hate me so. I have waited on him hand and foot, changed the way I do everything to keep him happy and he still is hurting me even as he is dying.
Feb. 25, 12.... Terry is so sick and I know he is going to die. He laid with his back to me today. And he said Sammi, I answered him with , what Baby and he said " Always remember for the rest of your life. That I love you and you are the best thing that has ever come into my life..Just remember that I will always love you..To late Terry, too late....
When he died on Feb.27.. All I could think of was why would he leave me with those words. Was he trying to fix it all before he left. Did he mean it? Did he know what he was doing was wrong and he wanted me to know despite it all he really did love me?
I am so confused as to what I should think. I know now I should have left him a long time ago. I know I did everything I could to make him happy. But now how do i resolve all this in my heart. I can't find my way home. I can't find peace of mind. It is almost as if weven after death he is still torturing me...
I tell him in my head everyday. You can't take this back now. You can't make this better, you can't change or alter the course of my decline with a simple I am so sorry Sammi. I didn't mean it Sammi. I was out of my head Sammi. maybe the reason I am so sad about this is just the simple finality of it all. You seperate from some one and at some point you can talk about it. You can try to come to a mutual understanding. You can agree to disagree. But I am stuck with this. I am stuck with the words he spoke to me. I am stuck with the intentions of his acts, the delibritness of his thoughts. I am fractured and shattered and so friggin lost. If i couldn't move on to save my own life from him. How can I move on from the hook he has in my soul.
You need on-the-ground
help and support to do that.
Are you willing to reach out,
find and then utilize that
kind of support?
I found a therapist who worked with me, financially esp., and to whom I attribute saving my life.
Abuse happens to the best, brightest and kindest of us. Why? Because we are exceptionally empathetic people who are marked as targets by abusers. If you continue to beat yourself up you are indeed just perpetuating the abuse and you deserve better, esp. after all you have been through.
Time does not heal all wounds. Sometimes, esp. in the case of abuse, you have to meet it head on and systematically focus on reversing the effects. The only way to do that is through therapy, support, lots of self love, and lots of hard work.
It took me 4+ years to truly overcome an 11 year abusive marriage. I still have to remain vigilant and attentive to myself every single day to be the best, parent, person and partner possible. Hugs to you for better days ahead...
The sincere apology, the concrete change.
A users aren't capable of it. Dead or alive.
You are grieving and some days SUCK and then other days aren't as bad.
It's only been a few months since his passing, when someone we love dies it takes as long as it takes to grieve. Abusive relationships take time to heal/grieve from also.
Please be patient and kind with/to yourself.
I'm sorry for your pain, I know it well and it does lessen, in time.
I don't know where I heard this quote but it gave me some peace- "Some pain you don't get over, you learn to live with it."
I'm learning to live with my pain, and I'm grateful I don't have to repeat it.
Please take good care of yourself and be gentle to you!!
You deserve it.
Light and love to you.
He changed me, the person I once was. He made me into some one I no longer like and no longer want to be. I was such a dissapointment to him. Now I am such a dissapointment to me.
And right now the most confusing thing in my head. Is that as much as he belittled and embarrassed and hurt and controlled me. I kept loving him and trusting him to change and treat me kindly. I just really needed to be treated kindly.
( diary entry august 12 2010.) Today we sat and talked for a long time. It was almost like it should always be. Just me and him sitting quietly and talking about the things in life that have had big effects us. He told me about an abusive occurance in his youth. I told him about my mom. And the things she used to do to me. How abusive she was. And he was sympathetic. She should have never done that to you. She should have never said those things to you. She was a monster. He was calling my mom a monster. As if he was some how different then her. Then he asked about my dad. I told him about the incest. Because I some how think I can trust him trust him with this very private and hurtful history. Was nice to get to sit and talk with him.
( diary entry Oct.16 2010 )
I knew it. Deep down inside I knew it. He has taken the information I shared with him about dad and is now using it as a weapon against me. When will I ever learn that I can not trust this man. When will I ever learn that he has no limits, no limits on the amount or intensity of pain he is willing to inflict on me.
I never learned, I never learned the lessons that were be taught to me. That he had absolutely no limits as to how hurtful he would be. The things he would say to this day, my brain screams every time I think of his words. Who says that to another person and thinks it's okay? Who does that.......No one will ever know..the depth...no one will ever know........
You just have to understand that he was damaged. He was sick. He was who he was. You can have compassion that he lived his life in this dark sad, way. And for yourself, that you lived it with him.
But it's time now, to look at yourself, to begin to search inward, because your joy, your self esteem, comes from within. Just because there were people in your life incapable of loving you, does NOT diminish the fact that you are loveable, that you were created as were we all, from love, and at your center that's who you are. Once you are able to begin to cut through all the layers of darkness that people have tried to cover up your light with, you will be able to heal from this. Trust me, it's possible.
You have to stop trying to make sense of a non-sensical situation, stop trying to rationalize an irrational action. It's not possible. All you do is go around and around and around....And how many times do you need to run around the block to know you aren't going anywhere.
This moment, right now, is the only one who matters. Every moment that you spend thinking about him, is the waste of the present moment, and gives him power over you now, even though he's gone. Put him in the past, and learn to love yourself, and try to realize how very special and precious this moment is. You are free of abuse. time to move forward. Time to let the abuser go.
Your love for him was unconditional, you gave and didn't expect any in return, although it would have been wonderful had he returned your feelings. I believe that this part will give you healing, you are not confused, or tortured, you are full of love, peace and of a sound mind. repeat those words over and over.
I hope this helps you. hugs and prayers.
Beating myself up. Has become an artform for me. I know how to do it so well. Because that is all I have known for the last 5 yrs. Getting my head to look at myself as a decent human being or even feeling like a normal person is something that is just not coming to me.
I still say to myself. Could you have been a better person. Could you have done some thing differently. Could you have been smarter or faster or quieter or what ever. And made the situation better. I am finally starting to see that no matter what other changes on top of the thousand changes I made for him, I could have pulled off. Would not have changed the situation at all. Because he was who he was and I was who he made me.
Nothing would make me happier then to wake up one day and say. Okay Sammi this it. You are done with this. He is gone and it is over. I have done it a million times. And so far no go. Because all of a sudden there it is. Those questions, those damn unanswerable questions. Why????????????? Why me. I did everything I could think of to try to keep the peace. I cut my hair, I changed my clothes, I watched different T.V. shows, I stopped eating pasta.. Any friggin thing he didn't like I stopped doing. He made my every decision for me. He formed my every thought. He severed my ever dream. He deadened my ever hope. It became who I am. And walking away from it and not giving it another thought is just not something I seem to be able to do. Because it is who I am, it is who I have been and it is all I know. So I am weak. So I am scared. So I am not who I should be or want to be. As long as everyday a new layer of darkness is removed, then I had progress and some day, some how I will be who I need to be and who I want to be. But for now. I am a crushed bug on the rug of my existance..