If you have even the slightest feeling that your new man may be an abuser, remove yourself from this relationship. Its not worth it. You seem to have come so far in terms of recovery from your last relationship - dont let this man destroy that progress. You will be feeding him information of your vulnerabilities and fears. He will use this against you. Stay safe and take no chances

Hi.

Good for you, for moving
beyond abuse!


If you haven't already, I urge you
to find a therapist whose specialty
is recovery from abuse.

We will always have scars, but
someone to help us with
processing and support,
can help immensely.

As for the new relationship:

Start the Clarifying Index Card exercise,
(I'll bump for you), marking down anything
that feels uncomfortable.

If you get to more than half a dozen,
even over a period of time, you may
want to consider ending it. There
will always be imperfections, but
if there's a pattern of feeling hurt,
then you may be looking at worse
than normal imperfections.

I agree with both above.

I think it's really important to listen to your gut if something about this new guy is making you feel uncomfortable or uneasy. Also, guys that show hot/cold behaviour are problematic IMO! A guy who is responsible and real, will not show hot/cold behaviour. Empathy is really important on the part of a potential partner, and if the person is not empathetic, it means he is not concerned for you.

The right guy should set you at ease, not at discomfort in my opinion.

also, a year isn't a long amount of time..I've been out 8 months, and it feels like 10 seconds to me..I don't know if I'll EVER trust someone else again!

I agree with all of the above.

One other thing I did was to FORCE myself to step outside my comfort zone with the next man, to see how he would react. It was almost like I was daring him to either abuse me or walk away - so that I'd know. So I would express opinions I knew I wasn't really supposed to have (thanks to the ex) or that might be thought of as stupid (thanks again). And I was listened to - not always agreed with but always respected. So over time it got easier and easier to express my opinion to the point where I sometimes don't even think about it any more. And loads of other little things too where I have forced myself to be me, be who I want to be - and slowly, I am getting to a point where I don't have to force it any more.

And that is after being out more than 3 years, and I was in therapy for a year before I left and more than 2 years after.

It takes time and it takes effort. Do keep watching for red flags, do the index card excercise, listen to your gut - and also just BE who you want to be. If he can't handle that, then you are better off finding out sooner rather than later.

THANK you all. I really appreciate your replies. :)

Magna..

Please follow Illene's advice...
After being emotionally ripped for years we all need a validation, understanding and someone to tell us how to use our feelings more positively...
A therapist will be the perfect choice for that...

As far as the new guy is concerned..Go for the Illene's Clarifying Index card method!!!
If he passes that then give it a go..else it's better to end it...

I would like to share one of my experiences..
When I entered into the new relationship...My husband now..
He used to and still does calls me sometimes to ask how my day has been...
In the beginning..I could not even take his call(I still struggle attimes) and used to cut it off if he called once I am in office or outside...Befiore meeting my x I used to love to chat on phone...

Reason - I was never allowed to call my x again if the call went missed..I was not supposed to be more than few mins on the call..And keep the phone down immediately if he sounds busy(which he did 90% of times).

So, I agree with Illene, these scars don't go away..
But a good therapist will help you in moving forward positively..
Sending you healing thoughts...

thank you all, and thanks ishaRelieve...I've done something similar (as far as scars), where I notice it's hard for me to talk when he's driving.

He seems receptive to me talking in the car...yet my ex would insist I not speak to him in the car. we took a day trip recently, and it was pretty quiet in that car!

I also avoided picking up some of his calls. I also used to like to talk on the phone for an hour or so/day w/ a guy, but now I really don't like to talk on the phone (to guys anyway).

It's an interesting topic you've brought up.

Well, the guy did turn out to be bad. I'm not sure if he was emotionally abusive, or simply emotionally unavailable, but he was hot/cold.

He contacted me every day for a month and a half, and I saw him 4-5 times a week! That's a lot for me. We spent most of the weekends together, and I met all of his friends, he met my friends, etc. He brought me soup when I was sick and spent a Fri night cuddling w/ me (instead of going out w/ his single guy friends), and he left his friends several times to hang out w/ me instead (when he could have easily been out clubbing and meeting girls). He hadn't logged into his online dating accounts in a month, etc.

I took this to mean he had some kind of feelings for me.

In the mornings he'd never want me to go, and he always wanted to cuddle and talk to me for hours. We spent a lot of time out on dates (the two of us, or w/ groups of friends), and we also stayed in and watched TV or movies during the week, and we'd usually get brunch one weekend day, or go to the park and lie around all afternoon...so this was a lot of time.

Then he drove me upstate for the day in his convertible (not complaining about this part of the story, LOL) and took me to an expensive restaurant. He also wanted to have a dinner party w/ his best friend and his serious girlfriend (just the 4 of us), etc. And he took me to a really romantic/expensive steak place, and insisted on me getting expensive champagne at a bar.

He also called (instead of just texting) and he contacted me every time for the first month. When I didn't call back one day, and I met up w/ him that night, he said he was sad I hadn't answered his call. He said he felt I "got him" and that I was so fun, and he told me numerous times "I really like you." He said he "wanted me around more" even if we were doing different things. He'd say things like "I'm really just happy that you're here," or "I love spending time with you."

I brought up being exclusive and he said "we already are," and "wouldn't it be strange to not be when we've shared so many personal conversations?"

We did spend many nights talking until 3am...he told me all of his insecurities, hopes/dreams, family problems, etc. He knew a lot of mine as well. He insisted on changing my (complicated) light fixture's light bulb and said "this is what guys are for!" and seemed really happy to have helped.

But, after a month and I half, I asked if we were "together" in a relationship, and he said "no." He said he had NO feelings for me, and wasn't falling for me at all.

OUCH.

He then said I was the best thing in his life, and he was "in love with my personality" but "not in love with me."

I said maybe we weren't compatible, and he argued that we were compatible, and that I was "perfect." and that he thought I would be good for him.

He also said I'm gorgeous, very smart, etc. So I asked what the problem was, and he said he just felt nothing for me.

But that we could continue on as we had been...I said it was no better than one of my friends (in a horrible situaiton w/ a guy who is using her), and he said it's okay because I "don't need to be perfect." (so he thought it was OK for me to be in a crappy situaiton, basically).

He said he's emotionally numb, and only feels a sense of dread, as he's depressed from being out of work. And that he tried medication, but it didn't work. (he's taken anti-anxiety medication for most of his adult life, and is still on it).

Then he said he's been in love several times before, and has been direct in pursing those girls, but that's NOT what he feels for me.

I started sobbing, and said I felt rejected. He was kissing me all over and cuddling me and (basically acting as if he loved me)...he said "You're so amazing," and he then he held me super close and said he did "care about me" but just "didn't have feelings for me" and told me more personal things about his family problems, etc.

I told him after my bad relationship, the last thing I need is someone rejecting me. So he said I should "do whatever I needed to"

I clarified that he didn't want a relationship w/ me and felt nothing for me, and he said "right."

So I kicked him out and said it was over. He said he was shocked and needed a minute, and then got up and left.

Wasn't what I wanted to do emotionally (as I was attached), but it made the most sense, and I'm glad I did. He didn't even text or call to apologize or anything.

I find it to be super confusing. He was acting like I was a friend w/ benefits, but he was treating me like a girlfriend. Really weird...

Goodbye to him!!!

I'm so sorry ... but ... congratulations on being so strong and having enough respect for yourself to not put up with something that wasn't what you wanted. Erecting and maintaining boundaries is, in my view, THE best way to avoid an abusive relationship. Or even one that just isn't right.

All the best to you. I hope the right one comes along soon.

sending you lots of love - i hope you are okay xxx

i'm sorry to hear your experience i dont know why but my pattern has been like yours to meet men like this who say one thing and do another,men who blow hot and cold,

its hard enough to come out of an abusive relationship and to repair from that but to meet a guy like this who is sending out such confusing messages is definitely bad.glad u got rid of this man sounds like he was messing with your head. hope you have some healing time xx

Thanks all! Ya I figure it's better just to get rid of him.

I really don't understand why anyone would do this, and I'm very careful to notice signs of interest from a guy -- I don't assume someone likes me unless I have a lot of signs that they do. So it is pretty tough to understand.

I can understand a guy using someone for sex, but I'd never thought of a guy using you for ALL aspects of a relationship (companionship, verbal intimacy, someone to go out w/, to go on fancy dates, to feel like they're in a relationship, to talk to every day and spend all their time with, to cuddle w/ etc.) without actually wanting to be w/ that person -- it's something I really don't understand, and it's pissed me off, but oh well.

I guess I just think it's mean to not be upfront about intentions, since I brought it up fairly early on. I have dated guys who I knew weren't "the one" and I was clear w/ them. Or, if I wasn't explicit, I simply didn't want to spend my entire week w/ them, so only saw them occasionally, so I didn't feel I lead them on.

That said, I really didn't think he was "the one" anyway, since he has been kind of troubled in his life lately (laid off, family problems, etc.) But I did want to enjoy the summer w/ a boyfriend.

Oh well, and back onto the next dates. The good thing about short term dating, is it's much faster to get over. A week or two and you forget who they even were...where as the long relationships (or emotionally abusive ones) take tons of time to heal from.

I'm going to focus on my work and the other guys out there. he's just one stupid person.

also, my friend is sleeping w/ a guy (who also calls her to chat for hours at a time). He was clear that he wanted fun only, no relationship. At least he was clear about this from the start. She took him up on it.

The guy just emailed ME on the same dating site. I think it's wrong that he's having these long phone call w/ her into the night, and then messaging OTHER girls on the site.

Let me be clear that she's also a very pretty, young, and successful girl. There's nothing "lacking" in her. But I do live in Manhattan, and these bastards get huge egos I guess...it's really pissing me off that guys think they can throw away such great girls like this.

I'm not sure if I should tell her or not. It would hurt her feelings, but it may alert her that he might be sleeping w/ other people.

Thoughts?

I'm of course not going to write him back, except to say something mean.

Ok I'll admit I didn't read everything here in detail, but I am glad you are moving on from the new guy. Anyone who can't make up their minds about whether or not to be in a committed relationship...yea, just keep looking and forget them.

It's obvious that you are looking for a committed relationship...that is your ultimate goal. Being honest and up front about that with anyone new will go far to weed out some of the less desirable types. Another thing you can do is make a laundry list.....right down the traits of your ideal mate. Make it as detailed as you can get it. Then highlight the kind of personality traits you REFUSE to compromise on. However, keep in mind that you are dealing with human beings, here, so they aren't going to be perfect. The point is to decide what you will and WILL NOT tolerate. And NEVER compromise on what you WILL NOT tolerate.

For me, my ideal mate had to be responsible, self-accountable, honest, compassionate, and fair-minded. Of course there were a bunch of other traits I wanted, but these were on the top of my list. If they couldn't admit when they were wrong....buh bye. If they can't be honest....buh bye. If they showed no responsibility.....see ya! If they showed no compassion for others.....GET LOST, Buddy! And if they didn't have the ability to be fair-minded and seek compromise....the buck stopped then and there.

Its worth deciding what you want and refusing to settle for anything less.