Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I left my ex-husband about a year ago. I'm still waiting for the final divorce papers, but everything is officially done. We have nothing linking us together anymore, and I'm happy about that.
On the one hand, my life is pretty great now. I lost weight, am in the best shape of my life, I look a lot better than when I was with him (I'm healthier also). My friends are great, and I'm overall happy -- yes, I finally left that dark-cloud place.
I don't really care about my ex anymore, and I no longer care if he's dating. I finally see how everything really was a lie. How he WAS a bad guy, and I couldn't trust anything about him. He really was/is a sociopath who is incapable of love.
I am scared for the girl he finds, because she'll end up being emotionally cut up like I was -- but I have no jealousy or feelings left for him. I'm neutral, which feels great.
But I'm still left with horrible panic attacks anytime I feel trapped, so I can't take planes, trains, etc. I also developed some insecurities...I'm dating a great new guy, but I feel unattractive anytime he doesn't want to be romantic with me (my ex wouldn't sleep w/ me for a year).
I find myself not talking whenever we're in his car, because my ex insisted I not speak to him for hours/day (whatever he felt like at the time). So I find it hard to be my normal affectionate self.
I'm also afraid the new guy is a bit hot/cold, and might not be empathetic enough. At least I can recognize it I guess. I can't tell if it's normal guy stuff, of if it could be another emotional abuser, and I'm terrified he might be. I research all of these "signs' and try to figure out if he's going to hurt me, but I can never tell for sure.
And I still feel confused about what happened, even though it's been a year. I don't miss him, but I miss the security of having a life I thought would stay. I miss having that stable person who I thought I could trust -- even though I couldn't. Now I don't know if I can trust anything to stay, ever again. I don't know that I want to. I'd rather just rely on myself.
I'm just wondering...do these long-term problems ever go away? Are these scars that always get in the way.
I have seen huge improvements since those first 9 months or so of leaving. But i just hope this continues and doesn't baseline.
On the one hand, my life is pretty great now. I lost weight, am in the best shape of my life, I look a lot better than when I was with him (I'm healthier also). My friends are great, and I'm overall happy -- yes, I finally left that dark-cloud place.
I don't really care about my ex anymore, and I no longer care if he's dating. I finally see how everything really was a lie. How he WAS a bad guy, and I couldn't trust anything about him. He really was/is a sociopath who is incapable of love.
I am scared for the girl he finds, because she'll end up being emotionally cut up like I was -- but I have no jealousy or feelings left for him. I'm neutral, which feels great.
But I'm still left with horrible panic attacks anytime I feel trapped, so I can't take planes, trains, etc. I also developed some insecurities...I'm dating a great new guy, but I feel unattractive anytime he doesn't want to be romantic with me (my ex wouldn't sleep w/ me for a year).
I find myself not talking whenever we're in his car, because my ex insisted I not speak to him for hours/day (whatever he felt like at the time). So I find it hard to be my normal affectionate self.
I'm also afraid the new guy is a bit hot/cold, and might not be empathetic enough. At least I can recognize it I guess. I can't tell if it's normal guy stuff, of if it could be another emotional abuser, and I'm terrified he might be. I research all of these "signs' and try to figure out if he's going to hurt me, but I can never tell for sure.
And I still feel confused about what happened, even though it's been a year. I don't miss him, but I miss the security of having a life I thought would stay. I miss having that stable person who I thought I could trust -- even though I couldn't. Now I don't know if I can trust anything to stay, ever again. I don't know that I want to. I'd rather just rely on myself.
I'm just wondering...do these long-term problems ever go away? Are these scars that always get in the way.
I have seen huge improvements since those first 9 months or so of leaving. But i just hope this continues and doesn't baseline.
I guess I shouldn't focus so much on being rejected, but on looking for the right person. Still sucks being rejected though....argh...
But yeah, if someone doesn't want a relationship, what's the point really? I guess better to get it over w/ sooner.
I wanted to second what Livn said in her first post. Something about pushing the envelope with a new guy. I think that's great advice. I finally realized that I gave my exH what he wanted 100% of the time. After 17 years, I didn't give him what he wanted and he FREAKED OUT! The real him came out! I was so good at walking on eggshells, he didn't have to pull out the big guns. Wish I would have tested earlier. And I'm proud of you for getting out of the new relationship because a couple of years after leaving ex, I got really involved with a guy who had a bunch of red flags, but I was careful to skirt around them. I was with him for 9 months before I dumped him and I was really attached by then. Next time I'll be smarter. (I hope.)
About the lasting effects. Well, I'm out about 4 years now and I'm still pretty terrified to show anyone who I really am because I still believe that what I am is bad, abnormal and unacceptable. I don't know if I'll ever get over those feelings.