Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship since 1988 - first as an employee of my future and then as his wife (and employee). For some reason, my eyes were opened earlier this year upon the death of my grandmother - who had no life for most of it (5 children and a demanding sick husband) - when he died, her life began. When she died, I realized I had not lived a day with joy since I was 23 years old.
I remember commenting to my husband about 3 months ago that I felt numb and felt like I was drowning - I had no idea why. I would not say I was an alcoholic but when I did have a couple drinks, I felt compelled to continue so I would escape and stop feeling anything.
I reconnected with a friend from high school - who ironically enough - was there for me when I was 15 and had just ended a physically abusive relationship. He reappeared via Facebook and we started to talk - his life had been difficult as well and we just talked about home and old friends and it was like we were helping each other.
My husband pulled my cell phone bills and went onto my computer and was angered by the fact that I was talking to him. He felt it was an affair and for the first time, he physically beat me. I did not call the police but was advised by a lawyer to ensure that I at least saw a doctor. I did. He advised me to start planning a safe escape. That was over 4 weeks ago. What has ensued, is emotional abuse to the extreme.
I have hardly been able to leave the house, when I do, he calls my cell and keeps me on it for the entire time I am out. He won't allow me to make phone calls or have any private time. He wakes me up in the middle of the night to force me to have sex with him and continues to talk which has rendered me completely exhausted. I am at the point where I absolutely loathe him and want to leave.
The complication is that I have 2 teenage children - son, 16; daughter, 14. My husband has manipulated them into siding with him through telling them that I am a slut, an alcoholic and that I have serious mental problems. They have also been told that they will have no money if they take my side. Fact is, that I have basically been the sole caregiver for their entire lives. I have made sure that I was there to facilitate all of their activities and to care for them in all aspects of their lives - he did virtually nothing.
We have gone out to family dinners over the past few days and he texts me during dinner to call me a whore and worse...
After 4 weeks of the roller coaster which is getting more extreme - for psychotic rages to desperate loving pleas to keep our family together - I simply cannot continue. I have, for the first time in my life, suicidal thoughts because I can't see my way out of this.
My lawyer has simply given me one rule and that is to not leave the house. But I cannot take one more second of this!! Please help me someone!!
I remember commenting to my husband about 3 months ago that I felt numb and felt like I was drowning - I had no idea why. I would not say I was an alcoholic but when I did have a couple drinks, I felt compelled to continue so I would escape and stop feeling anything.
I reconnected with a friend from high school - who ironically enough - was there for me when I was 15 and had just ended a physically abusive relationship. He reappeared via Facebook and we started to talk - his life had been difficult as well and we just talked about home and old friends and it was like we were helping each other.
My husband pulled my cell phone bills and went onto my computer and was angered by the fact that I was talking to him. He felt it was an affair and for the first time, he physically beat me. I did not call the police but was advised by a lawyer to ensure that I at least saw a doctor. I did. He advised me to start planning a safe escape. That was over 4 weeks ago. What has ensued, is emotional abuse to the extreme.
I have hardly been able to leave the house, when I do, he calls my cell and keeps me on it for the entire time I am out. He won't allow me to make phone calls or have any private time. He wakes me up in the middle of the night to force me to have sex with him and continues to talk which has rendered me completely exhausted. I am at the point where I absolutely loathe him and want to leave.
The complication is that I have 2 teenage children - son, 16; daughter, 14. My husband has manipulated them into siding with him through telling them that I am a slut, an alcoholic and that I have serious mental problems. They have also been told that they will have no money if they take my side. Fact is, that I have basically been the sole caregiver for their entire lives. I have made sure that I was there to facilitate all of their activities and to care for them in all aspects of their lives - he did virtually nothing.
We have gone out to family dinners over the past few days and he texts me during dinner to call me a whore and worse...
After 4 weeks of the roller coaster which is getting more extreme - for psychotic rages to desperate loving pleas to keep our family together - I simply cannot continue. I have, for the first time in my life, suicidal thoughts because I can't see my way out of this.
My lawyer has simply given me one rule and that is to not leave the house. But I cannot take one more second of this!! Please help me someone!!
He continues to insist that I am having an affair and wants a divorce - I am afraid to agree with him. He is trashing me in front of my kids calling me a slut and a whore. Part of me wants to just agree to the divorce, leave the house and work on winning back the kids later - afterall, I have been the stable, single caregiver their entire lives.
He keeps repeating that I have single handedly ruined our family - that everything is my fault and he will make sure that the kids know that I have destroyed our family. I broke down last night and told him that he single-handedly and systematically eliminated every element of my being over the last 23 years. I am dead inside, especially when it comes to him. I absolutely hate him and there is nothing I can do to reverse that, and I do not want to.
Part of me thinks that I should concentrate on just getting out myself and work on the kids once I have some strength back - I just feel sick leaving them in that demented environment with him, while he pollutes them.
What should I do??? I am tired and unable to make any traction on my safety plan further due to his 7/24 control over me.
Do you have documentation of his abuse? Journals, phone records, bank records any of that stuff? It will help you with a custody issue, with the courts. Will your kids back you up? I don't know how old they are, if it's even an option.
I left, and my son stayed with my ex. But I knew my son would not go with me. (He is now with me 24/7) If he would have, I would have taken him. Would your kids go with you, if you were to make a plan? If they would then put together your plan including them. If there is any way to take them with you....take them. It is so hard to get them away from an abuser, unless they want to go, and even then it's hard.
That being said, you may have to look at it like they instruct you in an airplane, to put on your oxygen mask before your kids, because you need to be able to take care of them. You can't offer them a chance at life with all of you holed up in that house. But if you can offer them freedom and have them come with you it's the best. If not, then you will have to go, and get yourself strong enough to fight the custody battle that is sure to ensue. Certainly not meaning to scare you....because nothing is scarier than thinking about living your life as a prisoner forever. But do want you to be prepared for what is to come. I was at court once a month on custody issues for about 18 mos, and then my son walked from his dad to live with me. But you can win this....you can do this. And really, you HAVE to do this, as a parent, you have to do this for them.
big hugs...
It also pisses me off so much that he has turned this into a claim that I have "destroyed our family and turned my back on my children". He shares no blame especially not with the children. I have to believe that they know he is a difficult person and would be far less easy to live with than I would.
That said, he is intent on destroying me financially and these kids are used to a somewhat privileged lifestyle. That used to be a reason for me to stay but now, I know I would not survive that wait.
It kills me that he is destroying me to all our friends saying that I have cheated on him and ruined our perfect family. Meanwhile, I hate him for the abuse - I think of the times my heart broke as he screamed at my son on the way home from hockey games. As a mother, I would have killed him to prevent another moment of pain inflicted on that boy. I feel so guilty for allowing it to happen, because I was too scared to step in.
I think of the time my husband took my daughter to the first soccer game ever... He did not like the way she was playing so he left and I had to text a parent to get her a ride home.
And I am a bad person.... It just breaks my heart to think that my kids will begin to believe this in order to appease their dad... I know the truth but I don't know if I can protect them.
He has called me 30 times today to remind me that he has started divorce proceedings and that I need to move out of his house by tomorrow. why do I feel like I am being bullied just one more time.... with so much at stake too!
He forced me to have sex with him all the while telling me it was rape and not to think anything of it.
When he got into the shower this morning, I took everything I had packed and put it in my truck - thank god because when I left with my daughter he was screaming in the street that I was a slut... He also scares me around the car doors.
As soon as I was on the road, the calls and texts started. He has now telling me how much he loves me and cannot live without me. the kids are texting me begging to come back and work things out with him because he is trying to hard.
This is case of putting my oxygen mask on first and helping the kids later assuming they want/need my assistance which I assume they will.
I do feel some peace even after the 35 calls so far today and 68 texts... This is not going to be easy but much easier when I am not scared from my safety.
I feel guilt about the kids as I will not be able to care for them the way they are accustomed to but I have to save myself!!!
Thanks for all the support - the road to happiness has just begun for me!! xo
Yesterday I got, "I'll do anything to get you back" and then when I didn't respond the way he wanted I got, "You can make this easy or difficult, and if you aren't going to work with you I'll make your life living hell!"
HA! Begging, then blaming.
I also can now see the manipulation from the outside.
Good luck and prayers to you, we can do this!!!!