Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship since 1988 - first as an employee of my future and then as his wife (and employee). For some reason, my eyes were opened earlier this year upon the death of my grandmother - who had no life for most of it (5 children and a demanding sick husband) - when he died, her life began. When she died, I realized I had not lived a day with joy since I was 23 years old.
I remember commenting to my husband about 3 months ago that I felt numb and felt like I was drowning - I had no idea why. I would not say I was an alcoholic but when I did have a couple drinks, I felt compelled to continue so I would escape and stop feeling anything.
I reconnected with a friend from high school - who ironically enough - was there for me when I was 15 and had just ended a physically abusive relationship. He reappeared via Facebook and we started to talk - his life had been difficult as well and we just talked about home and old friends and it was like we were helping each other.
My husband pulled my cell phone bills and went onto my computer and was angered by the fact that I was talking to him. He felt it was an affair and for the first time, he physically beat me. I did not call the police but was advised by a lawyer to ensure that I at least saw a doctor. I did. He advised me to start planning a safe escape. That was over 4 weeks ago. What has ensued, is emotional abuse to the extreme.
I have hardly been able to leave the house, when I do, he calls my cell and keeps me on it for the entire time I am out. He won't allow me to make phone calls or have any private time. He wakes me up in the middle of the night to force me to have sex with him and continues to talk which has rendered me completely exhausted. I am at the point where I absolutely loathe him and want to leave.
The complication is that I have 2 teenage children - son, 16; daughter, 14. My husband has manipulated them into siding with him through telling them that I am a slut, an alcoholic and that I have serious mental problems. They have also been told that they will have no money if they take my side. Fact is, that I have basically been the sole caregiver for their entire lives. I have made sure that I was there to facilitate all of their activities and to care for them in all aspects of their lives - he did virtually nothing.
We have gone out to family dinners over the past few days and he texts me during dinner to call me a whore and worse...
After 4 weeks of the roller coaster which is getting more extreme - for psychotic rages to desperate loving pleas to keep our family together - I simply cannot continue. I have, for the first time in my life, suicidal thoughts because I can't see my way out of this.
My lawyer has simply given me one rule and that is to not leave the house. But I cannot take one more second of this!! Please help me someone!!
I remember commenting to my husband about 3 months ago that I felt numb and felt like I was drowning - I had no idea why. I would not say I was an alcoholic but when I did have a couple drinks, I felt compelled to continue so I would escape and stop feeling anything.
I reconnected with a friend from high school - who ironically enough - was there for me when I was 15 and had just ended a physically abusive relationship. He reappeared via Facebook and we started to talk - his life had been difficult as well and we just talked about home and old friends and it was like we were helping each other.
My husband pulled my cell phone bills and went onto my computer and was angered by the fact that I was talking to him. He felt it was an affair and for the first time, he physically beat me. I did not call the police but was advised by a lawyer to ensure that I at least saw a doctor. I did. He advised me to start planning a safe escape. That was over 4 weeks ago. What has ensued, is emotional abuse to the extreme.
I have hardly been able to leave the house, when I do, he calls my cell and keeps me on it for the entire time I am out. He won't allow me to make phone calls or have any private time. He wakes me up in the middle of the night to force me to have sex with him and continues to talk which has rendered me completely exhausted. I am at the point where I absolutely loathe him and want to leave.
The complication is that I have 2 teenage children - son, 16; daughter, 14. My husband has manipulated them into siding with him through telling them that I am a slut, an alcoholic and that I have serious mental problems. They have also been told that they will have no money if they take my side. Fact is, that I have basically been the sole caregiver for their entire lives. I have made sure that I was there to facilitate all of their activities and to care for them in all aspects of their lives - he did virtually nothing.
We have gone out to family dinners over the past few days and he texts me during dinner to call me a whore and worse...
After 4 weeks of the roller coaster which is getting more extreme - for psychotic rages to desperate loving pleas to keep our family together - I simply cannot continue. I have, for the first time in my life, suicidal thoughts because I can't see my way out of this.
My lawyer has simply given me one rule and that is to not leave the house. But I cannot take one more second of this!! Please help me someone!!
Now that you've realized that you are being abused and he has constant control over you, you need to concentrate on devising an escape plan. Once I realized that I was done with my husband and our marriage, I started searching for information...how the divorce would affect my sons was my first priority, how will we divide the house and possessions, etc. I read everything I could find, talked to my lawyer, counselor, friends, family, etc. Knowledge is power.
Then I started saving money. Every little thing I could save was like my jab at him. Using more coupons, not buying lunch, saving change, etc was one step closer to getting away.
Then I just started treating him like an aquaintance. I got to the point where I wouldn't let the constant texting and calls bother me. I relished the periods where he would stop talking to me to punish me - that became a nice break from all the bs. I tried my best not to let him get a rise out of me over anything. I wasn't sure when, but I knew I was getting out. I tell you , when you make that final decision, your whole outlook on your life and your kid's lives changes for the better. Its like a giant weight being lifted off of your shoulders.
It took me a year to do it and it was worth it.
Get started now while he is out of town. Good luck and let us know how you make out
I took sleeping pill prescribed by my doctor last night and feel infinitely better today...
That said, on the way to the airport he basically uttered threats non-stop - to my sister, brother and parents - to financially bury them with a suit for calling the cops or being a party to. To my friend from high school who he thinks I am having an affair with - to cut off his tongue so he cannot talk to me.... I sat in the car with my heart in my throat wanting to kill him for verbally attacking and threatening those closest to me.
He called me at least 10 time from the airport and has called me at least 10 time since his arrival to question me about the future of our relationship.
My doctor suggested yesterday that he appears to have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I found a really good article on line as to how to leave one - I talked candidly with my daughter last night about it and in a very encouraging display - she began to brainstrom about a home where she and i called the shots, made the rules. A jar for swearing, weekly meal planning.... She seemed so inihibited and with so many ideas for a home with no craziness.....
It doesn't sound like Borderline Personality Disorder to me. BPD has some very specific characteristics which are easily identified (eg BPD sufferers self-harm). He just sounds like a typical abusive asshole who has noticed that he's losing control of you and is fighting to get it back the only way he knows how.
Do call the Canada DV hotline. Via your attorney, take steps towards a restraining order, including storing evidence. Pre-plan an escape - enlist your external support network and investigate your options for things like financial support.
Do call the Canada DV hotline.
Do call the Canada DV hotline.
Do call the Canada DV hotline!!!!!
Please call the hotline. They will help you. I'm glad you spoke to your daughter about it, too.
I don't know about the politics you're going to have to employ now - while he's gone, speak placatingly on the phone to him so he stays there? Or don't answer any of his calls while you're making your plans, so you can get out sooner?
Please, please, call the hotline.
Remember...don't tell him anything.
We'll be here, in your corner, cheering you on....
Hugs...
I did drive him to the airport on Friday - when I start to think I am wrong, I remember the drive - he threatened everyone dear to me, every family member and close friends. all I think about is how I just do not want to spend my life with someone so hateful and vendictive.
I found a great article on-line after my doctor and I spoke, determining that he likely has borderline personality disorder... Everything in the article is so accurate and can help me predict what would happen if I decide to leave.
I have been drinking a lot lately - it is a symptom of living with a Borderline - but I have decided that this is not helping me make progress with my kids or being the very smart woman that I am.... I commit to you all to stop doing that - it is not a good idea.
things are moving ahead according to plan - he is supposed to be home tomorrow but is reconsidering - does not want to be with a woman who is not madly in love with him -- mission accomplished?? I hope so.
then things got really bad when I got home, and it sucks, but it really shows me just how volatile and crazy he can be when he lets his guard down.
I'm glad that you spoke to your daughter and that she's on board. I'm really scared that when I tell me kids, they might freak out (they are 6 and 10) and while they have witnessed some scary stuff from him, they seem really close now, but I wonder if really it is just a coping mechanism.
and maybe when I leave, they will be happy (though not happy if there are weekly visitations.... :(
I was scared to tell the kids about moving and the divorce. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And they were REALLY mad!!!!!!! So angry that they couldn't keep it in. They were acting out like crazy. I was glad when we first took them to the counselor, because she told us just how mad they were.
3 months later, they are happier and much less stressed. They are 13 and 9 and didn't need to see or hear all the nasty things that went down between my stbxh and me anymore. What they had witnessed was bad enough.. It was terrible.
I knew I had to leave when my my husband stood nose to nose with our 12 year old and screamed and yelled and cursed and could barely keep his fists at his side. He was daring his own son to throw the first punch.It was horrible. I took my rings off that night and never put them back on.
I'm lucky enough to have been able to move in with my mom. It is hard, but its so worth it. When you start teaching your children how to not piss him off so they don't get yelled at, its definitely time to leave.
Your kids are young and impressionable. Do you really want them to think this is normal? I knew I did not want my two sons to think it was normal. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and teaching that starts at home.
My kids miss spending time with their dad. He works crazy hours so we don't have a strict schedule. My younger son gets so excited to spend the weekend with him. My older one, not so much - I can see how his abuse has affected him.
You'll know when the time is right so take care of yourself and your little ones. hugs to you!
My daughter was there and my cleaning lady - but that did not deter him. I was scared and he told me that I had serious mental issues for shaking and acting like I was scared.
Then he made me come with him to pick up my son, so I could not be out of his sight. He made me kiss at red lights and I wanted to vomit right there.
He took my daughter to the grocery store and she told him that she wanted this to be over (the "fighting") and that she thought the best scenario was for him to move out and the kids and I stay there until they graduate. I really don't think he will ever allow that to happen.
He spent the night kissing me at every possible opportunity, sticking his tongue down my throat. I actually had to force myself not to throw up. He made me have sex with him before going and sleeping in another room. I have sleeping pills but I was too scared to take them and be soundly asleep - I was too scared to sleep, my heart was racing. He woke me up a 4am to force me to have sex again.
I know I have to really get my A game on now. I have to do's from the doctor and a plan that is almost in place. I really need to hurry this up because I cannot make myself go through this and I am afraid I might stand up for myself and set him off. I am scared every day now.
I dream about how happy I will be outside this hell. I will get there with some inner strength and some great support from my friends and family. I worry so much about the kids and how they must just think we are both insane - I hope one day they will understand...
I'm glad you come to DS because it seems to help you as you sort things out in order to create a healthy plan for you and your children.
I met with my counsellor on Thursday and she was so happy about the progress I was making towards nailing down my Safety Plan for leaving. My lawyer has asked me to provide a few items and I am working diligently whenever I can. My husband is trying to control my every move at every moment. My patterns have completely changed - last night I received several panicked texts from friends/family who were worried about my safety. I am afraid to even look at my phone for fear it will set him off.
He was supposed to fly out again this morning and I knew he would cancel - and he did. He threatens to fly out in order to get me say that I don't want him to leave. When I don't he cancels the flight because he wants to keep an eye on me. It is a brutal life...
My 14 yr old daughter told him she wants to start looking at boarding schools for next year... My 16 yr old son begged me to ask him not to attend a sporting event yesterday - he said he was too superstitious - but I saw this as an opportunity as some point to relate how I feel everyday to the stress that his father puts on him regularly. My son and I are very similar personality types and I know that eventually, he will understand that his father's Borderline Personality Disorder is very toxic for me and has made me very unhappy over the years.
I am feeling much stronger and very pragmatic about things now - my fear is that with the calm, I will become complacent and not take the big step I simply must. I spoke to my father last Thursday - he told me that once I am out of this situation, I will look back on the last 20 years as my Dark Years, but that it will allow me to live fully and appreciate the happiness that is to come. I just so need to get there and I know the moment of telling my husband I am leaving, will be absolutely horrible.
He is constantly telling business associates and all of his friends that we are having trouble. He blames in on my being unfaithful through reconnecting with a male friend on Facebook. His friends and associates all paint me with a terrible brush and assume that I am the bad guy in all of this - sometimes I start to believe it. But then, I want to scream out to him that he has belittled and ripped away any strength, power and self-esteem I had, systematically over the years. I am drowning in helplessness and self-loathing and that it is all his fault. He did this to me in an effort to control me and it worked. I gave up who I am and all that makes me happy in order to keep him from blowing up. That is what I need to get away from.
But to everyone he talks to, he is the victim. Poor him. A million women would die to change places with me. And I would gladly change places with them. Let them give up everything to keep him from going into a tirade, let them be made fun of and told they are worthless to keep him happy while "all he asks for is a woman who truly loves him and who is into him" I am not that woman anymore - please help me stay strong enough to get the hell out!!!
I would caution you to have the police there when you tell him. Abusers HATE to lose their victim, and that's when its' the most dangerous. Get ready what you can, and then perhaps when he comes home from work, or in the morning, have the police come to the door and just tell him then. They are the most dangerous when they are told you are leaving.
Good luck with this, Soon you will be free. Hugs....