Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi all, I am new here and feel I have a million things to say, but for now I will stick to just a little background. I am on my third marriage and currently separated. My first husband was physically and emotionally abusive, my second sexually abused our daughter and my current husband is passive-aggressive. I have been in therapy for a while now trying to work through everything. Everyone looks at me as such a strong, intelligent woman and no one understands this trend of men in my life, and even my therapist sees me as an assertive woman, which is true enough on the surface.
However, I am one of those sensitive, healer type personalities and I have such a tendency to try to help everyone, especially those close to me and I usually leave myself hanging out to dry. I don't want to change who I am, it is part of the beauty of me. My goal is to take care of myself and children first, to say no to others without feeling so much guilt and to find balance and healthier boundaries.
However, I am one of those sensitive, healer type personalities and I have such a tendency to try to help everyone, especially those close to me and I usually leave myself hanging out to dry. I don't want to change who I am, it is part of the beauty of me. My goal is to take care of myself and children first, to say no to others without feeling so much guilt and to find balance and healthier boundaries.
I can relate to your thread completely. I am also sensitive and my "ex" belittles this trait and uses it against me all of the time.
I need to learn to be more assertive and to set healthy boundries. Thank you for sharing.
Believe it or not, what you're describing is common among abuse victims. Many of us share similar stories. There are many strong, intelligent, empathic, wonderful people in this group, who happened to be snared by an abusive predator. You have great qualities, I agree ~ please don't lose those! One thing that you must learn is:
IT'S NOT YOU. It's not your fault.
But now that you are aware of the abuse (good for you to get away from it), do what you can to learn to spot the dangerous ones. I highly recommend reading for starters, "How to Spot a Dangerous Man..." By Sandra L. Brown. There are other very good book recommendations on DS you can find if you do a search.
You sound well on your way to healing, and just need the tools to keep moving forward, and avoiding these types. Glad you're here reaching out for support, it's a great group!
So many times I have had it said to me "can't you take a joke?" by the jerks in my life. Along with other similar statements.
I'm not sure I understand where the line is when it comes to rudeness, teasing, fairness, equality, assistance etc.
I need someone to tell me what is normal in a good relationship.
Also, I have difficulty reconciling being co-dependent with being independent, as I am not co-dependent in a traditional sense, I suppose. I have for many years been on my own financially, in raising my chidlren, making major decisions, my comings and goings. I will definitely check out the dangerous men...but I want to make sure that I am for now working on myself.
My therapist gave me a chart where I chose what I felt most growing up, which was invisible, which on the chart went to self-sacrificing, which then goes to self-righteousness. I can definitely see this, but I feel completely clueless on fixing it.
And thank you all for the warm welcome!
Self-care is the first step.
It's not selfishness. It's healthy.
It's the first step toward healthy boundaries.