You know, when I left my physically violent husband, I walked out without a backward glance. Of course, I was young and the craziness of his abuse so apparent (requiring 3 surgeries). After 12 years with my kids' dad, although there was so much guilt and pain from the betrayal and abuse of my daughter, again, my feelings for him were nothing.

With my current passive-aggressive husband, I feel like I am fighting each moment. Even though he is currently out of the country, I have to fight wanting to be with him. I cannot image how I will do when he returns to the States. I KNOW he has made me the crazy one and he is so damned charming and logical, but it is so hard to pull myself out of that way of thinking.

I read in a different post about being with a narcissist/passive aggressive man how you get so drawn in and I found myself here in the end playing his games, being like him. It is actually what woke me up to getting out. I was so torn up, going from dispair and depression and then to anger. I did things that are not me, acting like him. Just walking out of the house without a word, going out with a girlfriend, and not coming home until the next morning, and when he got mad, just calmly saying, "you are nothing to me". And still, even away from him, I am fighting myself not to lose who I am. I have so many feelings, for the first time in my life, of actually wanting to hurt someone they way they have hurt me. I am a good woman and much better than this.

Thank you all for being here. I come a few times a day, even if I just read posts, and I feel stronger. And mostly, I am doing a lot of self-talk, just reminding myself over and over of all the harm he has done instead of remembering the fantasy of what I wanted it to be. And also, reminding myself, I am good and sane and much better than all that!