Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have so much anger and hatred towards my ex-AH, but I cannot get him out of my mind. I think about him and our marriage non-stop. I think about he and his pregnant gf, and obsess over what is going on in their relationship and think about whether he is treating her well. I dont want to have these thoughts. It is almost like a drug addicton. I try to keep No Contact but it is so hard. We only have a few loose ends to tie up regarding the house. I was approved to refinance the home in order to buy him out and that will take place next week. He tells me that I am a miserable person, that I am narcissistic and arrogant. He says things in emails such as this:
"Wow! You are delusional and borderline psychotic. For starters, I did not flirt with you when we went to sell the rings that you failed to agree to sell that day. I wanted them gone so I could continue to move on. Something you obviously cannot do because you continue to open unnecessary doors that we mutually closed ie. "I'm going after your retirement". I refuse to be nice to you anymore because you misconstrue, distort, and twist my kindness. I'm naturally a nice person. You not so much. And I have found someone way better than you. She's kind, thoughtful, courteous, attractive, hardworking, funny and is going to be a great mother. You are not mentally healthy. I'm sorry but your father caused you damage. Was it when he kicked you or molested you?
Oh yeah, there is nothing better and better or even good about you. What little personality you have sucks and that's being kind. And you a*@ will never shape up to a 23 year olds...even pregnant. LOL"
It should be noted that my father never abused me or molested me. He passed away from cancer a month ago and my ex-AH knows this. He was a great father and did everything for his two daughters. However, even horrible things like this e-mail are not enough to firmly convince my brain that he is horrible and I am so much better off. I feel like I lost in this whole thing.
"Wow! You are delusional and borderline psychotic. For starters, I did not flirt with you when we went to sell the rings that you failed to agree to sell that day. I wanted them gone so I could continue to move on. Something you obviously cannot do because you continue to open unnecessary doors that we mutually closed ie. "I'm going after your retirement". I refuse to be nice to you anymore because you misconstrue, distort, and twist my kindness. I'm naturally a nice person. You not so much. And I have found someone way better than you. She's kind, thoughtful, courteous, attractive, hardworking, funny and is going to be a great mother. You are not mentally healthy. I'm sorry but your father caused you damage. Was it when he kicked you or molested you?
Oh yeah, there is nothing better and better or even good about you. What little personality you have sucks and that's being kind. And you a*@ will never shape up to a 23 year olds...even pregnant. LOL"
It should be noted that my father never abused me or molested me. He passed away from cancer a month ago and my ex-AH knows this. He was a great father and did everything for his two daughters. However, even horrible things like this e-mail are not enough to firmly convince my brain that he is horrible and I am so much better off. I feel like I lost in this whole thing.
He's "naturally a nice person" who calls his former love:
* "delusional",
* "borderline psychotic",
* someone who will "misconstrue, distort and twist ... kindness",
* "not so much" a nice person, and
* "not mentally healthy",
Then he goes on to say that:
* "there is nothing ... even good about you",
* "what little personality you have sucks", and
* you have a rubbish ass (as if that's even important to your worth as a person).
And as the cherry on top, this "naturally nice person" talks incredibly hurtful lies about your relationship with your recently deceased father.
All in the space of a single 2 paragraph note. And you believe him when he says he's nice? Even if half that stuff he said about you in that note were true, a halfway nice person wouldn't say it.
So, in one message we have proof positive that he's not a nice person and that he's a liar. That's what you have lost and she has gained - a vile, abusive liar. And since he's a liar, there's no way of knowing whether he's really been sober for a year, and even if he has, it takes way more than that to turn him from a vile abusive liar into an "amazing person".
I do understand your feelings, I get that you get low and lonely and you miss the image of him, you miss the good times, you fear that you gave up too soon and maybe you should have given him another chance, that maybe she's getting the good guy you glimpsed in the beginning without the vile abuse. But she's not. He's still vile and abusive, and even if she is seeing only the nice side of him now (possible, but not a certainty), she absolutely WILL see the side of him he is showing to you in that note.
I agree with MTC, go NC! TRUST me, you will begin to heal when you do.
It's hard but you can do it!!!
They know the words that will hurt you. They know your weak areas and they use them.
This is NOT something a NICE person does.
Stay away. I pity his pregnant GF
Yesterday was the last meeting with him where I had to give him his check for the buyout of the house, and now everything is DONE!!! Now I can go No Contact b/c there is no reason for us to talk at all.
In the case of my ex, I don't think he either believed or disbelieved the lies he told, I just don't think it mattered to him. He said what he felt he needed to say to get the result he was looking for. True or false just plain didn't enter into it. And perhaps that's the case with yours as well.
Either way ... it doesn't matter any more, because he's no longer your problem. Go NC and don't bother yourself with working out the true from the false. Trust me when I say you will never know. You might find out or figure out some minor bits of truth, but you'll never know all of it. Time to focus on you, not him.