Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have so much anger and hatred towards my ex-AH, but I cannot get him out of my mind. I think about him and our marriage non-stop. I think about he and his pregnant gf, and obsess over what is going on in their relationship and think about whether he is treating her well. I dont want to have these thoughts. It is almost like a drug addicton. I try to keep No Contact but it is so hard. We only have a few loose ends to tie up regarding the house. I was approved to refinance the home in order to buy him out and that will take place next week. He tells me that I am a miserable person, that I am narcissistic and arrogant. He says things in emails such as this:
"Wow! You are delusional and borderline psychotic. For starters, I did not flirt with you when we went to sell the rings that you failed to agree to sell that day. I wanted them gone so I could continue to move on. Something you obviously cannot do because you continue to open unnecessary doors that we mutually closed ie. "I'm going after your retirement". I refuse to be nice to you anymore because you misconstrue, distort, and twist my kindness. I'm naturally a nice person. You not so much. And I have found someone way better than you. She's kind, thoughtful, courteous, attractive, hardworking, funny and is going to be a great mother. You are not mentally healthy. I'm sorry but your father caused you damage. Was it when he kicked you or molested you?
Oh yeah, there is nothing better and better or even good about you. What little personality you have sucks and that's being kind. And you a*@ will never shape up to a 23 year olds...even pregnant. LOL"
It should be noted that my father never abused me or molested me. He passed away from cancer a month ago and my ex-AH knows this. He was a great father and did everything for his two daughters. However, even horrible things like this e-mail are not enough to firmly convince my brain that he is horrible and I am so much better off. I feel like I lost in this whole thing.
"Wow! You are delusional and borderline psychotic. For starters, I did not flirt with you when we went to sell the rings that you failed to agree to sell that day. I wanted them gone so I could continue to move on. Something you obviously cannot do because you continue to open unnecessary doors that we mutually closed ie. "I'm going after your retirement". I refuse to be nice to you anymore because you misconstrue, distort, and twist my kindness. I'm naturally a nice person. You not so much. And I have found someone way better than you. She's kind, thoughtful, courteous, attractive, hardworking, funny and is going to be a great mother. You are not mentally healthy. I'm sorry but your father caused you damage. Was it when he kicked you or molested you?
Oh yeah, there is nothing better and better or even good about you. What little personality you have sucks and that's being kind. And you a*@ will never shape up to a 23 year olds...even pregnant. LOL"
It should be noted that my father never abused me or molested me. He passed away from cancer a month ago and my ex-AH knows this. He was a great father and did everything for his two daughters. However, even horrible things like this e-mail are not enough to firmly convince my brain that he is horrible and I am so much better off. I feel like I lost in this whole thing.
Then use the money for therapy to get healed.
Hugs.
After I left my AH, the verbal abuse REALLy started. It got more and more cruel until he finally exhausted himself and was on repeat. My confidence was shot and I began to believe every word.
I don't know how loudly I can say this. She did NOT get a better version of him. He is the SAME! She thinks she has it all now but there is a lot of heartache in her future. For your own sake, try to take it hour by hour and not contact him. I have a timer on my phone that helps me. When I feel like contacting him, I tell myself, after this cry or after this episode or after one hour and usually that stops the compulsive behavior.
It is terrible. He knows you so well and knows what buttons to push. Try not to analyze all his words line by line. They damage you and it is hard to recover from them. Delete this vile abuse if you can.
It is very difficult to heal from the trauma of abuse and move on w/o therapy. Not all therapists have the skills or knowledge to treat this. Please contact a therapist who specializes in recovery from trauma and abuse. And take good care of yourself.
~healing hugs~
I say, if you don't have problems like this with other people, then it's probably not you, it's probably him.
That message he sent was really psycho, especially the parts about your late father. I'm sorry for your loss. Your ex is picking on you when you're already down.
Once you are finished with the divorce business, if he keeps contacting you, you can put a stop to it. If he won't stop when you tell him to, you can get a restraining order, so keep all communications for documentation purposes, just in case.
NC is really difficult at the beginning & it seems right now with the finalizing of things, it's not a reality. With that being said, because you have to have contact, keep it as business like for yourself as possible. When he sends an email like that, remind yourself of the realities of the situation & that what he's saying is NOT true. Don't respond or react to the ridiculous accusations, he's looking for a reaction from you. I know how hard it is but it's important that you remind yourself of that. If he says these things on the phone, keep re-directing the conversation to the topic on hand. It is really, really hard at the time but the pay off is there for you when the conversation is done & when you see that you got through it another time taking care of you.
The father comment to you, you probably know is to try to get a reaction out of you. I understand your feeling of being lost, to some degree it is, but in the long run you're taking care of yourself. It is his loss.
Continue to post here, remind yourself of your strength, you have come really far. You're doing awesome. Take good care of you, keeping you in my prayers.
If he's the only one who makes you feel crazy, that should be telling you something. And of course his side is going to side with him.
You're better off without the scumbag.
'And you a*@ will never shape up to a 23 year olds...even pregnant. LOL' what does that mean? Like his new girl is a hot piece of ass cos shes 23 and yr 33? and he says 'even pregnant'?! So what he doesn't value his new pregnant girlfriend? Some wonderful father he's going to turn out to be. Hes sounds like a misogynist sexist pig.
You are just vulnerable at the moment as youve been through a lot, and also experienced trauma, most likely depressed and when we feel this way we are more susceptible to being negative and believing and identifying with negativity
It's not our fault.
We did nothing to cause their mal treatment.
For me, I have found learning about topics such as detachment are helpful. My therapist suggested I read "Men who hate women and the women who love them". I have read "Women who love too much".
Love this quote:
You are braver than you think, stronger than you think, and smarter than you know. -Christopher Robin
According to a previous post, you said he is an alcoholic. Alcoholics lie all the time. Alcoholics make no sense because the alcohol kills their brain cells. The is NO communicating with an addicted person.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to go No Contact immediately. That includes blocking him from all social media, emails and your phone. This will stop a lot of the toxic crap that you are assimilating into your system right now. Then you can get into therapy with a qualified therapist who specializes in healing from trauma & abuse.