Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Is it possible that I am unwilling/unable to accept positive changes in him because I don't want to see them, or because I am still so confused? Do I even have a clue what a "real" and normal relationship looks like due to my own family history and our 17 year history together?
He has not been physical since last Christmas. Even before that, we were able to go months at a time without any physically violent episodes--just name calling, pouting, withdrawing, slamming and throwing things--you know basic temper tantrums. Financially, as a father, as a decent boyfriend/husband there is much to be desired. I have to beg for money and demonstrate a real "need", even then it is only a loan, even though we have two children together; however, last week he gave me $200 for school shopping without a big battle, $18 for our daughter's gym uniform three days later, and last night (after I kicked him out "for good this time") he paid the cable bill without being asked.
He claims I am being unrealistic and not trying to have a real relationship with him. He needs me to make some changes (like wearing sexy outfits to bed, performing on demand, and coming to bed whenever he decides to come home regardless of what time it is or what I personally have to do) before he can make any changes that I am asking for. He claims this is because he can't trust me after I have up and left him so many times. He also can't do things with the children because I need to get them to start being more respectful to him and to basically bow down to his wishes (they are now 12 and 14, and they haven't had any relationship with him up til now--just him screaming at them and their mother their entire lives).
My question is, is it possible I am being too hard on him; am I expecting more than is realistic? Should I suck it up and deal with my personal issues with the way I feel a relationship should be (i.e loving, caring, supportive, and fun)? Or is this making me feel unsure just a new tactic of his? I am more confused than I think I have ever been. Without the real threat of violence, I can't really tell if the problem is just me?! Please help!!
He has not been physical since last Christmas. Even before that, we were able to go months at a time without any physically violent episodes--just name calling, pouting, withdrawing, slamming and throwing things--you know basic temper tantrums. Financially, as a father, as a decent boyfriend/husband there is much to be desired. I have to beg for money and demonstrate a real "need", even then it is only a loan, even though we have two children together; however, last week he gave me $200 for school shopping without a big battle, $18 for our daughter's gym uniform three days later, and last night (after I kicked him out "for good this time") he paid the cable bill without being asked.
He claims I am being unrealistic and not trying to have a real relationship with him. He needs me to make some changes (like wearing sexy outfits to bed, performing on demand, and coming to bed whenever he decides to come home regardless of what time it is or what I personally have to do) before he can make any changes that I am asking for. He claims this is because he can't trust me after I have up and left him so many times. He also can't do things with the children because I need to get them to start being more respectful to him and to basically bow down to his wishes (they are now 12 and 14, and they haven't had any relationship with him up til now--just him screaming at them and their mother their entire lives).
My question is, is it possible I am being too hard on him; am I expecting more than is realistic? Should I suck it up and deal with my personal issues with the way I feel a relationship should be (i.e loving, caring, supportive, and fun)? Or is this making me feel unsure just a new tactic of his? I am more confused than I think I have ever been. Without the real threat of violence, I can't really tell if the problem is just me?! Please help!!
He has paid the cable bill without request because you put him out (for the last time). So, if you take him back, things will only get worse. You have to decide what you want for you and your kids. A life time of begging for money and being grateful he didnt hit you, or a lifetime of creating your own destiny and a life free from abuse for you and you kids. I know what I would choose.
Please, contact a local DV centre for advice and support, keep posting here for help - we are all here for you. If he is still out of the home, try and keep him out. Go NO CONTACT, it makes it all easier. Take excellent care of yourself and your kids
Abuse is about power & control and he is still controlling so he has financial power.
Abuse is about never taking responsibility for their actions and blaming others. He is still blaming you.
Abuse is about demanding that the source make all the changes. He is demanding everyone do what he wants. He's demanding that from you and the kids.
Have you don't Ilene's index card exercise? If not, please do it. It will help you see the abuse & his tactics more clearly.
I'll bump up the thread.
I lived w/subtle abuse for 35+ years. It was so subtle that I had no idea that it was abuse! I thought that hitting & name calling were the only forms of abuse.
Most shelters offer help to anyone dealing w/any kind of abuse. Please contact your shelter to see what they can do fr you.
It is all about control and manipulation and he will switch it up to keep it.
The biggest thing that stood out to me was " He has not been physical since last Christmas." Honestly, from my experiences, once an abuser turns physical, it becomes easier for them, almost exusable in thier mind. They will shove, push, hit, slap or choke again, and it normally progresses.
Take care of YOU first and your children. He is not doing either by his actions. My opinion.
If you are emotionally or psychologically abused, there is a definite physical reaction that is just as damaging as if you were pushed down a flight of steps.
This is ALL ABUSE
(and there is no "just" in abuse!)
You're NOT being unrealistinc.
You're being ABUSED.
DON'T BE CONFUSED.
You're BEING ABUSED.
You are right to expect a relationship
to be loving, caring, supportive and fun.
YOU'RE BEING ABUSED.
AND SO ARE YOUR CHILDREN.
Have you contacted your local
women's center? If not, please
don't delay.
This list is abusive. It is control and nothing less. He is demanding that you conform to his expectations without regard for your needs BEFORE he behave without abuse.
Sounds like more abuse to me!
It definitely helps to get some validation that the way I am feeling is not me being unreasonable or looking for problems where there are none. I didn't have any problem calling this abuse at one point, but now he has switched things up so much that I don't know what to think. And I am stronger now than I have ever been, in terms of speaking out, which only makes me have a harder time acknowledging that he is still very much in control. It is almost like at the beginning--so many years ago--when I really was in such shock that I didnt' know what was going on!
But I also wanted to address your question as if he were changed but you still can't trust or believe in him. Even if that were the case (and, as I say, I agree with the others that it's not the case here), then it would still be entirely up to you to decide what is enough, if anything, for him to regain your trust and your desire to work on issues. He broke it, with abuse, it's up to him to do whatever it takes to fix it. And maybe it's simply not fixable. That doesn't make the victim weak or unforgiving.
I use two separate analogies for this one. The first is a teapot. If what he has done is like breaking the handle off a teapot, well maybe it can be fixed, maybe it can even be stronger than it was - that depends on how good a job he does of fixing it. But if what he did has smashed it to smithereens, then it simply can't be fixed.
The other is to say that, if he totalled a car, completely wrote it off, then he can hardly blame the repairer for failing to fix it. Or the car for that matter.
If you don't feel in your gut that you can trust him to be non-abusive - by which I don't mean just not as abusive as before, or not abusive in the same ways as before, I mean NON-abusive in any way - then you are not being too hard on him. He broke your trust, it's not up to you to fix it.
I think the questions to ask yourself are more along the lines of what it is you are trying to hang on to, and why. Only you can answer for yourself. For me, I was afraid of being a single mother (it's hard, but it's WAY easier than trying to parent with a dipshit abuser, cos you can't do ANYTHING "with" that type). I was also afraid of being a failure in yet another relationship (my mother helped loads on that one by telling her friends what a loser I am because I "can't even hang on to a husband", but the reality is that walking away from abuse is no more failure than letting go of a burning ember - it's not failure, it's common sense). I felt guilty about abandoning my husband, abandoning a man who couldn't really look after himself because he had no job, no money etc (those things were HIS fault, and if he'd given me something other than abuse, if he'd made a tiny effort to help himSELF, I would have stuck by him). And I fooled myself that I loved him (I never loved him, I loved a fake character I thought he was, a bit like falling in love with an actor because of a character they played in a movie). And a whole lot more besides. But if you do what I've just done with mine - really sit down and analyse why it is that you are sticking with it, what it really is you would feel guilty ABOUT and what you are afraid OF, and then look at those things objectively, it really does help. It's not as easy as just writing it out - it took me a long time to really work through those things, but it does help.
The other really simple thing to remember is that fear and guilt are very often HIS words (and maybe those of previous abusers, including potentially parents) in your head.