Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Is it possible that I am unwilling/unable to accept positive changes in him because I don't want to see them, or because I am still so confused? Do I even have a clue what a "real" and normal relationship looks like due to my own family history and our 17 year history together?
He has not been physical since last Christmas. Even before that, we were able to go months at a time without any physically violent episodes--just name calling, pouting, withdrawing, slamming and throwing things--you know basic temper tantrums. Financially, as a father, as a decent boyfriend/husband there is much to be desired. I have to beg for money and demonstrate a real "need", even then it is only a loan, even though we have two children together; however, last week he gave me $200 for school shopping without a big battle, $18 for our daughter's gym uniform three days later, and last night (after I kicked him out "for good this time") he paid the cable bill without being asked.
He claims I am being unrealistic and not trying to have a real relationship with him. He needs me to make some changes (like wearing sexy outfits to bed, performing on demand, and coming to bed whenever he decides to come home regardless of what time it is or what I personally have to do) before he can make any changes that I am asking for. He claims this is because he can't trust me after I have up and left him so many times. He also can't do things with the children because I need to get them to start being more respectful to him and to basically bow down to his wishes (they are now 12 and 14, and they haven't had any relationship with him up til now--just him screaming at them and their mother their entire lives).
My question is, is it possible I am being too hard on him; am I expecting more than is realistic? Should I suck it up and deal with my personal issues with the way I feel a relationship should be (i.e loving, caring, supportive, and fun)? Or is this making me feel unsure just a new tactic of his? I am more confused than I think I have ever been. Without the real threat of violence, I can't really tell if the problem is just me?! Please help!!
He has not been physical since last Christmas. Even before that, we were able to go months at a time without any physically violent episodes--just name calling, pouting, withdrawing, slamming and throwing things--you know basic temper tantrums. Financially, as a father, as a decent boyfriend/husband there is much to be desired. I have to beg for money and demonstrate a real "need", even then it is only a loan, even though we have two children together; however, last week he gave me $200 for school shopping without a big battle, $18 for our daughter's gym uniform three days later, and last night (after I kicked him out "for good this time") he paid the cable bill without being asked.
He claims I am being unrealistic and not trying to have a real relationship with him. He needs me to make some changes (like wearing sexy outfits to bed, performing on demand, and coming to bed whenever he decides to come home regardless of what time it is or what I personally have to do) before he can make any changes that I am asking for. He claims this is because he can't trust me after I have up and left him so many times. He also can't do things with the children because I need to get them to start being more respectful to him and to basically bow down to his wishes (they are now 12 and 14, and they haven't had any relationship with him up til now--just him screaming at them and their mother their entire lives).
My question is, is it possible I am being too hard on him; am I expecting more than is realistic? Should I suck it up and deal with my personal issues with the way I feel a relationship should be (i.e loving, caring, supportive, and fun)? Or is this making me feel unsure just a new tactic of his? I am more confused than I think I have ever been. Without the real threat of violence, I can't really tell if the problem is just me?! Please help!!
"Speaking out" is
NOT a good
strategy
in the context
of abuse.
And "switching things up"
is a standard tactic of abuse.
Also. . . constantly getting
arrested for fighting
actually has
EVERYTHING
to do with your relationship.
This is an indicator
of emotional imbalance
which is totally connected
with his ability to be
an intimate partner.
Please call this number:
(800) 634-3577
It's your state's
women's resource center.
PLEASE CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If he's constantly getting
arrested for violence -----
then YOU'RE under
the THREAT OF VIOLENCE!
Please don't be oppositional
towards him. It puts your
safety at risk. BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!
You wrote:
I cannot understand why I continue to look for justification for the way I am feeling.
This is the core of
having been
EMOTIONALLY abused.
We have been distanced
and invalidated in regards
to our emotional experience.
Eventually. . . . we don't trust
our emotions and we don't
feel entitled to our emotions.
Emotions need
NO JUSTIFICATION.
They are what they are
and whatever they are
they BELONG to YOU
and to NO ONE ELSE.
THEY ARE YOURS
and
THEY ARE VALID.
NO justification,
defense or
qualification needed!