Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I developed the Index Card Exercise for myself and
now assigns it as homework, to my coaching clients:
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE ITEM PER CARD. One category
will be things that represent larger categories
of abuse. . . . . such as:
calls me ugly names
tells me to forget the past
retaliates with the silent treatment
tells me his mean comments were a joke
The above items are just examples; what you
write on your cards, ONE ITEM PER CARD ----
will be whatever YOUR abuser does (or did).
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
Write down on a card EVERY INSTANCE you
can think of. If something hurt you or made you
feel uncomfortable or brought you DIScomfort,
it gets a card. (This might be witnessing your
abuser being disrespectful [or respectful to others
---- since he's never that way to you!].)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself,
"Oh that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
Don't NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't be doing this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you. If you think of something, write it
down. Continue to fill out new cards as
long as instances keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Go through old texts and emails.
Think about trips you took.
Think about holidays, birthdays or special occasions.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if he used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this, is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card?
Date the individual instances, if you can,
as close as you can. If he did a particular
thing many times, give each time its own
card.
Continue making new cards as long as
abuse continues to occur. This might be
even after you physically separate or even
divorce. If its happening, keep documenting
it.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence
of why you broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack. You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment. However
long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
the romance that never actually lasted
in real life.
Many of us have recorded our experiences
in diaries and journals. Theres a reason why
I specify this exercise be done on index cards
though. As the cards pile up and the couple, three,
six, dozen cards become a stack, the sum of the
instances makes a greater impact as a deck that
takes up space than as a list on a page of paper.
Also, this is not just another pros vs. cons page.
I dont recommend that familiar process to consider
whether to stay or leave an abusive relationship
because, there are no positives that justify abuse.
IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Please be sure not to allow the stack of cards you
develop to fall into the hands of your abuser. Keep
the stack somewhere other than in the home with
the abuser. Safety is always the first concern.
(Ilene has used the male pronoun in reference to
the abuser but wishes to be on record that females
can and do abuse, as well.)
Copyright Ilene Wolf, M.S., 2010
This is a brief overview.
Let me know if you have questions.
now assigns it as homework, to my coaching clients:
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE ITEM PER CARD. One category
will be things that represent larger categories
of abuse. . . . . such as:
calls me ugly names
tells me to forget the past
retaliates with the silent treatment
tells me his mean comments were a joke
The above items are just examples; what you
write on your cards, ONE ITEM PER CARD ----
will be whatever YOUR abuser does (or did).
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
Write down on a card EVERY INSTANCE you
can think of. If something hurt you or made you
feel uncomfortable or brought you DIScomfort,
it gets a card. (This might be witnessing your
abuser being disrespectful [or respectful to others
---- since he's never that way to you!].)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself,
"Oh that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
Don't NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't be doing this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you. If you think of something, write it
down. Continue to fill out new cards as
long as instances keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Go through old texts and emails.
Think about trips you took.
Think about holidays, birthdays or special occasions.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if he used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this, is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card?
Date the individual instances, if you can,
as close as you can. If he did a particular
thing many times, give each time its own
card.
Continue making new cards as long as
abuse continues to occur. This might be
even after you physically separate or even
divorce. If its happening, keep documenting
it.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence
of why you broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack. You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment. However
long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
the romance that never actually lasted
in real life.
Many of us have recorded our experiences
in diaries and journals. Theres a reason why
I specify this exercise be done on index cards
though. As the cards pile up and the couple, three,
six, dozen cards become a stack, the sum of the
instances makes a greater impact as a deck that
takes up space than as a list on a page of paper.
Also, this is not just another pros vs. cons page.
I dont recommend that familiar process to consider
whether to stay or leave an abusive relationship
because, there are no positives that justify abuse.
IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Please be sure not to allow the stack of cards you
develop to fall into the hands of your abuser. Keep
the stack somewhere other than in the home with
the abuser. Safety is always the first concern.
(Ilene has used the male pronoun in reference to
the abuser but wishes to be on record that females
can and do abuse, as well.)
Copyright Ilene Wolf, M.S., 2010
This is a brief overview.
Let me know if you have questions.
bememymine
I am shocked.
I don `t know how long the empowering feelings from it will last, but I am feeling stronger today. I am seeing my spouse in a very different way than I did 24 hours ago. I need to go get more cards (I;m over 150 already...20 yrs is a long time).
It can be hard
on many levels
to document
continual instances
of abuse.
It's a survival mechanism
that your mind wants to
bury everything. It's a
way to keep going
day-to-day.
I'm sorry it was so
challenging for you
that it felt like almost
having a breakdown,
remembering what
he did.
But it's in the doing
of the exercise that
we can see past
the survival mechanism
of wanting to downplay
and forget.
It's in the remembering
and the documenting
that we begin to be
able to see the
relationship for what
it really was, not for
what we dreamed
and hoped it would be.
There's no need to do
more than you can
tolerate in one sitting.
It waited this long.
The rest of what needs
to be documented can
be done tomorrow or
the next day or whenever
you're able.
But once we see in
both black and white
and also in the three
dimensional pile
of cards growing
higher and higher
that we can,
gradually. . . . .
accept that the
reality of the
relationship
was neither
healthy nor
happy.
That's why I call
it the "Clarifying"
Index Card
exercise.
It enables us to
see more clearly
what we really might
not want to see.
points and interesting
questions. It's a very
good practice, when
using the internet, to
raise these question.
First of all, I've been a
counselor with a masters
degree for close to
twenty-five years.
But on D. S. I'm just
a contributor, like
everyone else. D.S.
is a non-profit forum
(though they do carry
advertising), and in
the eight years I've
been an active member
here I have never solicited
commercial business,
nor would I. I value my
connections and the
time spent here. Ask
anyone who's been
here for awhile, or
even more recently.
In the real world, for
the past ten years,
I've facilitated free
support circles
around Connecticut.
They are. . . again. . .
totally free and open
to both women and
men who have suffered
any kind of family or
intimate partner
dysfunction. I also
support at my own
expense, a website
available to those
who look for answers
and support on-line.
Though I don't at the
moment, for several
years I produced a
public access cable
program called,
"Finding Center."
My participation on
D.S. is strictly as a
civilian. My professional
life is carried on in the
geographical world,
not the virtual one.
Your advice, that:
if you are married to one, get away as quickly as possible.
is fundamentally
good advice. The
problem is that,
generally nothing
about that situation
is less than an
enormous challenge. . . .
even the task of
deciding whether
a partner actually
is just having a
bad day or is
a dysfunctional
abuser.
So, one of the times
when the Clarifying
Index Card exercise
is most useful, is to
CLARIFY which scenario
is the most accurate.
The primary difference
between someone having
the all-too-human
occasional "bad day"
and someone who
is abusive
can be delineated
by seeing if the
bad day happens
once in awhile or
is a
CONSISTENT PATTERN.
If it's the second,
then seeing the
trail of offenses
pile up, having
done the exercise
(or even accumulate
in a list on a page),
can help someone
understand if the
discomfort they
feel and the ensuing
confusion around
the relationship
warrants the kind
of heart-to-heart
that would bring
some positive
change within
the context of a
healthy relationship,
or if what's going on
falls outside of the
realm of healthy
relationship, and
requires other measures.
This exercise is not
about attempting to
make someone out
as a demon, or to
hold grudges, or
anything other than
to attempt to bring
clarity for murky
thoughts and feelings.
I should have said
up top, that in addition
to my professional
credentials
I'm also a survivor.
Some of the emotional
injuries I sustained in
my dysfunctional family
of origin are still in the
process of healing.
Other of the emotional
injuries have come a
very long way on my
healing journey. . . . .
for instance. . . . . I
didn't end up killing
myself when emotional
abuse in my second
marriage brought me
to the edge of total
despair. I thought
about it for six months.
And yet. . . . here I am. . . .
able to understand the
suffering of others who
peer over the abyss,
asking. . . what's the point?
Also, the Clarifying Index
Card exercise is only one
of the exercise's I assign
to clients. (I've posted
about some of the other
exercises on D.S., also.)
One exercise is about
uncovering all the things
that bring energy and
happiness to an individual.
Another exercise is about
highlighting personal
qualities which bring
satisfaction and pride
to an individual.
Another exercise
has to do with
understanding family.
Another I use in
regards to Dream Work.
(And so on. . . . )
In my own life, I have
done a huge amount
of work around forgiveness.
As I've written on the
subject of forgiveness
here, over the years. . . .
forgiveness is a beautiful
flower. It can be cultivated
but it can't be forced.
Regarding where to
draw the line. . . . . . .
If a man or woman is
living in a situation of
frequent, possibly
perpetual slights. . . .
then yes. . . . .
every slight needs
to be documented
in order to be able
to see with clarity
the pattern.
Even at that point,
if a person chooses
to endure that
pattern of "slights"
going forward,
that's her or his
prerogative.
But having seen the
pattern may also
help them evaluate
whether there's a
strategy that would
help them endure
or possibly enable
them to come to a
decision about
how much more
to endure.
So, again, I appreciate
your asking these questions.
Thank you for adding your
voice to this long-running
thread. Personal investigation
and an individual's own decision
making are among my most
emphatic reccomendations
for anyone in any situation.
(If you have time, at some
point, you might want to see
what some of the responders
have shared about their
experience with the exercise.)
For the record, there are
many circumstances in
which the Clarifying Index
Card exercise provides
value, not just in the
situation of assessing
whether a relationship
is healthy or worth
continuing on with.
Finally, one of my
most often used
phrases is:
There are many paths
up the mountain.
I don't have all the
answers. I hope
that anyone needing
support will investigate
and find her or his
own roads to healing
and happiness. Mine
thoughts are out there
(here on D.S. and in the
circles I facilitate) for those
who find them valuable.
If what I share doesn't
resonate with you, there
are certainly other options.
Sending good thoughts
and wishes. Take good care.