Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I developed the Index Card Exercise for myself and
now assigns it as homework, to my coaching clients:
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE ITEM PER CARD. One category
will be things that represent larger categories
of abuse. . . . . such as:
calls me ugly names
tells me to forget the past
retaliates with the silent treatment
tells me his mean comments were a joke
The above items are just examples; what you
write on your cards, ONE ITEM PER CARD ----
will be whatever YOUR abuser does (or did).
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
Write down on a card EVERY INSTANCE you
can think of. If something hurt you or made you
feel uncomfortable or brought you DIScomfort,
it gets a card. (This might be witnessing your
abuser being disrespectful [or respectful to others
---- since he's never that way to you!].)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself,
"Oh that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
Don't NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't be doing this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you. If you think of something, write it
down. Continue to fill out new cards as
long as instances keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Go through old texts and emails.
Think about trips you took.
Think about holidays, birthdays or special occasions.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if he used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this, is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card?
Date the individual instances, if you can,
as close as you can. If he did a particular
thing many times, give each time its own
card.
Continue making new cards as long as
abuse continues to occur. This might be
even after you physically separate or even
divorce. If its happening, keep documenting
it.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence
of why you broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack. You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment. However
long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
the romance that never actually lasted
in real life.
Many of us have recorded our experiences
in diaries and journals. Theres a reason why
I specify this exercise be done on index cards
though. As the cards pile up and the couple, three,
six, dozen cards become a stack, the sum of the
instances makes a greater impact as a deck that
takes up space than as a list on a page of paper.
Also, this is not just another pros vs. cons page.
I dont recommend that familiar process to consider
whether to stay or leave an abusive relationship
because, there are no positives that justify abuse.
IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Please be sure not to allow the stack of cards you
develop to fall into the hands of your abuser. Keep
the stack somewhere other than in the home with
the abuser. Safety is always the first concern.
(Ilene has used the male pronoun in reference to
the abuser but wishes to be on record that females
can and do abuse, as well.)
Copyright Ilene Wolf, M.S., 2010
This is a brief overview.
Let me know if you have questions.
now assigns it as homework, to my coaching clients:
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE ITEM PER CARD. One category
will be things that represent larger categories
of abuse. . . . . such as:
calls me ugly names
tells me to forget the past
retaliates with the silent treatment
tells me his mean comments were a joke
The above items are just examples; what you
write on your cards, ONE ITEM PER CARD ----
will be whatever YOUR abuser does (or did).
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
Write down on a card EVERY INSTANCE you
can think of. If something hurt you or made you
feel uncomfortable or brought you DIScomfort,
it gets a card. (This might be witnessing your
abuser being disrespectful [or respectful to others
---- since he's never that way to you!].)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself,
"Oh that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
Don't NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't be doing this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you. If you think of something, write it
down. Continue to fill out new cards as
long as instances keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Go through old texts and emails.
Think about trips you took.
Think about holidays, birthdays or special occasions.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if he used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this, is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card?
Date the individual instances, if you can,
as close as you can. If he did a particular
thing many times, give each time its own
card.
Continue making new cards as long as
abuse continues to occur. This might be
even after you physically separate or even
divorce. If its happening, keep documenting
it.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence
of why you broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack. You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment. However
long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
the romance that never actually lasted
in real life.
Many of us have recorded our experiences
in diaries and journals. Theres a reason why
I specify this exercise be done on index cards
though. As the cards pile up and the couple, three,
six, dozen cards become a stack, the sum of the
instances makes a greater impact as a deck that
takes up space than as a list on a page of paper.
Also, this is not just another pros vs. cons page.
I dont recommend that familiar process to consider
whether to stay or leave an abusive relationship
because, there are no positives that justify abuse.
IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Please be sure not to allow the stack of cards you
develop to fall into the hands of your abuser. Keep
the stack somewhere other than in the home with
the abuser. Safety is always the first concern.
(Ilene has used the male pronoun in reference to
the abuser but wishes to be on record that females
can and do abuse, as well.)
Copyright Ilene Wolf, M.S., 2010
This is a brief overview.
Let me know if you have questions.
{{hugz}}
reasons for documenting
EVERYTHING. And yes,
one reason is to have a
recorded history for when
we interact with either the
police or the courts (among
others).
A few of the reasons this index card
exercise differs from list making
are:
Putting one single item on a card frames
and magnifies the incident. (One item
on a list becomes smaller, as the list
grows bigger.)
Lists are by nature, linear. Index cards
are individual. They're separate units.
Sometimes it helps to see things
individually.
It's easier to add an incident, when we
think of it, since it's not linear.
As the stack of cards grows taller,
we get a spatial sense of the abuse.
It brings it into the tactile world, in a
way that items running down a page
simply can't do.
These are a few things that differentiate
documenting on index cards from making
lists, (though making a time line is also
a valuable tool). The number of reasons
to document abuse in any way a person
prefers or wishes to. . . . are MANY.
This is a VERY helpful exercise, IMHO!
{hugz}
The problem is we've been married 39 years and had some very good years. But, when under the influence of alcohol..stopped 26 yrs ago or opiates...stopped the day I called the police he is verbally and physically abusive. He gets in rages and not able to control himself. So I go between missing that man and the one I've lived with the last 4 years who got progressively addicted and had constant withdrawal from morphine, nicotine, pot and caffeine on a daily basis. And it made him angry and I am the target....no matter what I do. Be quiet, argue, stay out of his way, be as perfect as I can, etc....you know.
I am now raising my 12.5 yo granddaughter and 9 yo grandson by myself due to my daughter and husband's addictions and I am tired and overwhelmed. But, he isn't even depressed enough to get counseling paid for by insurance, though his letters tell otherwise. So, up go the boundaries. No more letters. No more crying. Going to remember WHY we are not living together and I am not talking with him. Going to make some index cards and already posted what I'm doing for ME!
So glad I found this group. The first post I read brought me back to 34 yrs ago when I was in a women's shelter with my kids. And despite him being able to control himself for 20 some years, not sure he will is capable of achieving that again. So on with life for me and my grandkids. WE are going to have healthy, happy lives.
Thank you!
OK, I finally GET it. Once you read the whole thing it makes sense. I have to do this but worry about where to keep the cards. And I get the Pros and cons part too.I did do a pros and cos list a while back and it helped when looking at the cons. Very helpful both, thanks.
When you're not out,
where to keep the
cards private can
be tricky. . . and
it's ESSENTIAL
that the cards
stay private.
Is it possible to keep
the cards either at
work or with a friend
or relative?
Martin
to bump this thread.
To that member. . . .
I hope this helps.