Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I developed the Index Card Exercise for myself and
now assigns it as homework, to my coaching clients:
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE ITEM PER CARD. One category
will be things that represent larger categories
of abuse. . . . . such as:
calls me ugly names
tells me to forget the past
retaliates with the silent treatment
tells me his mean comments were a joke
The above items are just examples; what you
write on your cards, ONE ITEM PER CARD ----
will be whatever YOUR abuser does (or did).
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
Write down on a card EVERY INSTANCE you
can think of. If something hurt you or made you
feel uncomfortable or brought you DIScomfort,
it gets a card. (This might be witnessing your
abuser being disrespectful [or respectful to others
---- since he's never that way to you!].)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself,
"Oh that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
Don't NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't be doing this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you. If you think of something, write it
down. Continue to fill out new cards as
long as instances keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Go through old texts and emails.
Think about trips you took.
Think about holidays, birthdays or special occasions.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if he used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this, is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card?
Date the individual instances, if you can,
as close as you can. If he did a particular
thing many times, give each time its own
card.
Continue making new cards as long as
abuse continues to occur. This might be
even after you physically separate or even
divorce. If its happening, keep documenting
it.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence
of why you broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack. You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment. However
long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
the romance that never actually lasted
in real life.
Many of us have recorded our experiences
in diaries and journals. Theres a reason why
I specify this exercise be done on index cards
though. As the cards pile up and the couple, three,
six, dozen cards become a stack, the sum of the
instances makes a greater impact as a deck that
takes up space than as a list on a page of paper.
Also, this is not just another pros vs. cons page.
I dont recommend that familiar process to consider
whether to stay or leave an abusive relationship
because, there are no positives that justify abuse.
IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Please be sure not to allow the stack of cards you
develop to fall into the hands of your abuser. Keep
the stack somewhere other than in the home with
the abuser. Safety is always the first concern.
(Ilene has used the male pronoun in reference to
the abuser but wishes to be on record that females
can and do abuse, as well.)
Copyright Ilene Wolf, M.S., 2010
This is a brief overview.
Let me know if you have questions.
now assigns it as homework, to my coaching clients:
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE ITEM PER CARD. One category
will be things that represent larger categories
of abuse. . . . . such as:
calls me ugly names
tells me to forget the past
retaliates with the silent treatment
tells me his mean comments were a joke
The above items are just examples; what you
write on your cards, ONE ITEM PER CARD ----
will be whatever YOUR abuser does (or did).
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
Write down on a card EVERY INSTANCE you
can think of. If something hurt you or made you
feel uncomfortable or brought you DIScomfort,
it gets a card. (This might be witnessing your
abuser being disrespectful [or respectful to others
---- since he's never that way to you!].)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself,
"Oh that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
Don't NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't be doing this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you. If you think of something, write it
down. Continue to fill out new cards as
long as instances keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Go through old texts and emails.
Think about trips you took.
Think about holidays, birthdays or special occasions.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if he used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this, is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card?
Date the individual instances, if you can,
as close as you can. If he did a particular
thing many times, give each time its own
card.
Continue making new cards as long as
abuse continues to occur. This might be
even after you physically separate or even
divorce. If its happening, keep documenting
it.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence
of why you broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack. You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment. However
long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
the romance that never actually lasted
in real life.
Many of us have recorded our experiences
in diaries and journals. Theres a reason why
I specify this exercise be done on index cards
though. As the cards pile up and the couple, three,
six, dozen cards become a stack, the sum of the
instances makes a greater impact as a deck that
takes up space than as a list on a page of paper.
Also, this is not just another pros vs. cons page.
I dont recommend that familiar process to consider
whether to stay or leave an abusive relationship
because, there are no positives that justify abuse.
IMPORTANT!!!!!!!
Please be sure not to allow the stack of cards you
develop to fall into the hands of your abuser. Keep
the stack somewhere other than in the home with
the abuser. Safety is always the first concern.
(Ilene has used the male pronoun in reference to
the abuser but wishes to be on record that females
can and do abuse, as well.)
Copyright Ilene Wolf, M.S., 2010
This is a brief overview.
Let me know if you have questions.
A little story:
my grandma had a really hard life, abuse through most of it.
sometimes when we are fighting, my husband throws at me:
your grandma LOVED me. when I saw her alone when she was dying, she told me that I was a good man and she thanked me for taking such good care of you and for being such a good husband.'
My grandma didn't know what was going on. If she had any inkling-she would have freaked out at me for staying. she hated the fact that most of her life involved being controlled by a man.
my husband knows how close I was to my grandma, and from the grave he tries to use her to make me think that the abuse is ok.
the funny part is this:
when she died, I got her recipe box. it sits up in the top cupboard with all the baking stuff(he never touched any of that.)
I emptied out her recipe cards, put them somewhere safe, and now use her recipe box to house my abuse index cards.
I know she would approve.
Thank you
I tried a pro/con list once. No pro's. Only cons.....
I'm bumping this for those who haven't seen it!
Actually I know that for some
there CAN be "pros" or benefits.
There can be financial security.
There can be the times when
he's "sweet." (This is an illusion.
The times an abuser is "nice," is
a manipulation.)
There can be his being "a good
father." (This is always a fallacy.
A partner abusing his or her partner
is modeling abuse.)
Whatever is on someone's pro/con
list isn't relevant here. My Index Card
exercise is NOT to spotlight or highlight
any benefits. It's to clairfy how many ways
and how often the person we're attached
to is treating us with disrespect. If the
exercise is done with total inner honesty,
the stack of cards will grow to a height
that will visually demonstrate how
dysfunctional and unhealthy the
relationship has grown.