Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is long and disjointed. I'm curled up on the floor in my baby's room typing this on my phone. I hope someone reads it and tells me what to do. Gives me some advice. I'm so upset. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Husband saw his counselor yesterday. . This is the gist of what she said
It takes two fir a marriage to fall apart.
He shldve fought to stay upstairs
Marriages don't break up over things like this.
It's only like 1or 2 instances
I'm not even being human to him now during this period
Fidelity breaks up marriages
No one else can break someone's self esteem and confidence
He's trying. I've given up.
I'm throwing 17 yrs away, the kids, our family.
My baby got sick last night and i felt nauseous too. He came up n offered to stay w her on couch. I said no. I wld. Then he came up again an hour later n stayed w her so I can go to bed. His IC says he's trying and wants to be upstairs and be a part of the family.
-----
Were talking about all of this and the baby fell off the bed and her n I both started crying. She was fine, just startled herself tho. So i told him we cant talk anymore now, ive got to get the kids to bed. he was supposed to go to the gym but decided to stay home. Bc he said when he comes home from gym can we finish talking. I said yeah if I'm awake. He says so isn't this something important enough to stay awake for?
I asked him if he explained All the instances and how it's been 3 yrs of us talking. And discussing.
Im thinking to myself, She's supposed to specialize in abuse!! Does she think IM the abuser????
Omg. Please help me.
I'm crazy. I must be. I made it all up in my mind. Things arent that bad I guess!!!!
He said dont I feel something. Bc I don't act like it. I said honestly I don't feel anything emotionally. He said shld I stop trying all that im trying and ghe IC and just get a lawyer since you feel nothing?
I was exasperated! I said well there must b something. It's been 3 yrs for me and I'm still here!
He says I'm getting upset n angry bc I don't like what his IC is saying
----
I don't know. Maybe I read too much and believe stuff that's not really happening as being more than marital probs?
She also told him he has high expectations n he gets angry when ppl dont meet them.
He said when he questions where I am and if I go somewhere w the girls he's just being overprotective. Bc he cares.
I haven't been treating him inhumanly tho We are civil. Talk in the morning while I'm making breakfast. Kiss him goodbye n reply when he says he loves me n have a good day. I still agree w friends to make dinner plans and hang out as couples to keep normalcy.
I'm just at a loss. A complete loss. Oh and he brought he flowers for me tonight. And I can hear him now from in the baby's room, he's fallen asleep on the couch.
God, I'm sorry this is so damn long and all over the place.
Husband saw his counselor yesterday. . This is the gist of what she said
It takes two fir a marriage to fall apart.
He shldve fought to stay upstairs
Marriages don't break up over things like this.
It's only like 1or 2 instances
I'm not even being human to him now during this period
Fidelity breaks up marriages
No one else can break someone's self esteem and confidence
He's trying. I've given up.
I'm throwing 17 yrs away, the kids, our family.
My baby got sick last night and i felt nauseous too. He came up n offered to stay w her on couch. I said no. I wld. Then he came up again an hour later n stayed w her so I can go to bed. His IC says he's trying and wants to be upstairs and be a part of the family.
-----
Were talking about all of this and the baby fell off the bed and her n I both started crying. She was fine, just startled herself tho. So i told him we cant talk anymore now, ive got to get the kids to bed. he was supposed to go to the gym but decided to stay home. Bc he said when he comes home from gym can we finish talking. I said yeah if I'm awake. He says so isn't this something important enough to stay awake for?
I asked him if he explained All the instances and how it's been 3 yrs of us talking. And discussing.
Im thinking to myself, She's supposed to specialize in abuse!! Does she think IM the abuser????
Omg. Please help me.
I'm crazy. I must be. I made it all up in my mind. Things arent that bad I guess!!!!
He said dont I feel something. Bc I don't act like it. I said honestly I don't feel anything emotionally. He said shld I stop trying all that im trying and ghe IC and just get a lawyer since you feel nothing?
I was exasperated! I said well there must b something. It's been 3 yrs for me and I'm still here!
He says I'm getting upset n angry bc I don't like what his IC is saying
----
I don't know. Maybe I read too much and believe stuff that's not really happening as being more than marital probs?
She also told him he has high expectations n he gets angry when ppl dont meet them.
He said when he questions where I am and if I go somewhere w the girls he's just being overprotective. Bc he cares.
I haven't been treating him inhumanly tho We are civil. Talk in the morning while I'm making breakfast. Kiss him goodbye n reply when he says he loves me n have a good day. I still agree w friends to make dinner plans and hang out as couples to keep normalcy.
I'm just at a loss. A complete loss. Oh and he brought he flowers for me tonight. And I can hear him now from in the baby's room, he's fallen asleep on the couch.
God, I'm sorry this is so damn long and all over the place.
Far-
I'm not perfect tho. I did start pulling away and standing up for myself just to avoid confrontation. Would it have gotten this bad? I know I tried to get through to him. He can't get it. Am I not explaining myself? I did make a mistake, a huge one. He doesn't know but it's in the back of my mind all the time.
Bax-
What you said is all fine. I appreciate you breaking it apart bc its all jumbled in my mind right now. But it is like he strikes a nerve the second he says "this". But then he says maybe he's not explaining himself right. Goes on to say that I Know him. For 22 years.
I want to get away just for the weekend w my girks my sister and her family. My nephew has a sports tournament. Husband and I had dinner plans with friends Friday and then on Saturday too (I agreed to keep normalcy) but now I'd like to cancel and go away. I will come back tho. I don't want him to think I'm just picking up and leaving. Also, I work from home. It would be very difficult to pack up everything to go to my sisters. Plus it wouldn't be fair for the girls. They don't need the added stress. My 8 yr old has school. My sister lives 3 towns away (20 minutes).
My sister did speak to a friend who is divorced and there is a thing called Exclusive Property Right. Which would allow me and the girls to stay if we went through a divorce and he would have no choice but to have to leave. I don't want it to get ugly. I just want peace.
As for perfection, well newsflash - none of us is perfect. Would it have got this bad if you hadn't stood up for yourself? Yes. In different ways perhaps, but yes. Because abuse isn't about you. It's not your fault, it doesn't happen because of who you are or what you do. It's about him and his actions, choices and attitudes. Think of a river rushing downstream - putting a rock in its path won't stop it, though it may change the river's path. Even putting up a dam doesn't stop the river - if there's nowhere for it to flow, it will eventually just break down the dam. Because the movement of the river has nothing to do with whatever blockages or barriers there are.
-------------- "He can't get it". --------------
Yes he can. He does get it. It's not rocket science - you cry and tell him he's hurting you. You say the word "no". He ignores both. Not because he doesn't understand hurt or because he doesn't know what "no" means, but because he doesn't care. He either enjoys your pain or simply doesn't care about it. It doesn't really matter which, because neither one is acceptable. He pretends he doesn't understand because he knows that if he says he simply doesn't care about your hurt and doesn't accept that you ever have a right to say "no" to him would drive you away. So instead he plays the victim, the poor damaged fella who can't understand. And instead of being angry that he doesn't care for your feelings and doesn't respect your boundaries, you focus on helping him to understand. Instead of Kaz's "how DARE he", you think "if only I could explain things properly".
I do advise getting legal advice. It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce right now, it just means you know your options. It doesn't mean you have to make ANY big decision, it just means you have more information with which to make the decision when you are ready to do so.
Please take good care of you, do what feels right for you. As others have said, you are showing such amazing strength and clarity in the face of his superstrong manipulation. Well done.
one of the most
articulate contributors
in this community for
a long time.
And she did speak for
me, and very beautifully,
at that. (Thanks, L.)
Please get legal counsel.
It will help you determine
your next, best steps to take.
Re: bringing home flowers
after abuse:
The following tells a
fictional story of physical violence.
(Emotional violence can lead to
the same end, as well.)
I GOT FLOWERS TODAY
by Paulette Kelly
Dedicated to all battered women.
I got flowers today!
It wasnt my birthday or any other special day;
We had our first argument last night; And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didnt mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today!
It wasnt our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed like a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares to find they arent real.
I got flowers today!
And it wasnt Valentines Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long-sleeves didnt hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldnt go to work today because I didnt want anyone to know-but I know hes sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today!
And it wasnt Mothers Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was much worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about money?
Im afraid of him, but Im too scared and dependent to leave him! But he must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers todayToday was a very special dayit was the day of my funeral;
Last night he finally killed meI was beaten to death;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
The womens shelter could have helped me, but I didnt ask for their help;
So I got flowers todayfor the last time.
Copyright 1992 c by Paulette Kelly
He's not "trying"
Someone who is trying wouldn't say these things:
"It takes two fir a marriage to fall apart. "
Not in abuse dynamics.
"He shldve fought to stay upstairs "
No, he shouldn't have. An abuser who's changed realizes the damage he's caused and gives the victim time to recover, even if that means backing away for some time.
"Marriages don't break up over things like this."
Typical abusive rhetoric. Will try to minimize the abuse you've suffered.
"It's only like 1or 2 instances"
Typical abusive rhetoric. Will try to minimize the abuse you've suffered.
"I'm not even being human to him now during this period "
Speechless.
"Fidelity breaks up marriages "
Speechless.
"No one else can break someone's self esteem and confidence"
This has been proven false. Only an abuser would say this.
"He's trying. I've given up. "
He's not sorry at all. He hasn't changed.
"I'm throwing 17 yrs away, the kids, our family. "
Horrible abusive manipulation.
Please block his number and you may be able to have your therapist talk to his. This person is enabling him in a way they shouldn't be. Maybe they have no experience with abusers.
Trust your experience, trust your own perception and TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!
Confusion is the abuser's best friend. In this case your husband is being aided and abetted by his therapist. If what they keep telling you doesn't match what you have experienced then something is deeply wrong -- with them.
What you need is CLARITY, and that is something you get by trusting yourself.
I also want to add on the "just verbal/mental abuse" thing -- I don't believe anyone was offended. I think Ilene wanted to point it out because saying "just" is really another way of minimizing the abuse. And for your own sake, minimizing the abuse is something you should never do.
Take care of yourself.
I really like the river analogy. And I do just that - keep trying to get him to understand because it's hard to wrap my head around the fact he just doesn't care. It goes against everything he says to me. I did read Kaz' post and it helped give me a new way to view things. Because its unhealthy to keep trying something if its not working. I am going to the lawyer right after thanksgiving once I've had a chance to find out our finances.
That's a very powerful poem. Thank you for sharing Ilene.
Someone - thank you for your detailed insight. It helps for me to have that understanding when I start to second guess myself bc he's worked me up into a frenzy. Unfortunately I can't block his number. We're still married but doing an in house separation.
Mary-
I am working in trusting my instincts again. It's been so long of second guessing myself I've got to build myself up again. And you're right, clarity will help with that. I have to stop minimizing what's going on. I'm realizing I only feel that way after husband and I have one of our talks.