Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is long and disjointed. I'm curled up on the floor in my baby's room typing this on my phone. I hope someone reads it and tells me what to do. Gives me some advice. I'm so upset. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Husband saw his counselor yesterday. . This is the gist of what she said
It takes two fir a marriage to fall apart.
He shldve fought to stay upstairs
Marriages don't break up over things like this.
It's only like 1or 2 instances
I'm not even being human to him now during this period
Fidelity breaks up marriages
No one else can break someone's self esteem and confidence
He's trying. I've given up.
I'm throwing 17 yrs away, the kids, our family.
My baby got sick last night and i felt nauseous too. He came up n offered to stay w her on couch. I said no. I wld. Then he came up again an hour later n stayed w her so I can go to bed. His IC says he's trying and wants to be upstairs and be a part of the family.
-----
Were talking about all of this and the baby fell off the bed and her n I both started crying. She was fine, just startled herself tho. So i told him we cant talk anymore now, ive got to get the kids to bed. he was supposed to go to the gym but decided to stay home. Bc he said when he comes home from gym can we finish talking. I said yeah if I'm awake. He says so isn't this something important enough to stay awake for?
I asked him if he explained All the instances and how it's been 3 yrs of us talking. And discussing.
Im thinking to myself, She's supposed to specialize in abuse!! Does she think IM the abuser????
Omg. Please help me.
I'm crazy. I must be. I made it all up in my mind. Things arent that bad I guess!!!!
He said dont I feel something. Bc I don't act like it. I said honestly I don't feel anything emotionally. He said shld I stop trying all that im trying and ghe IC and just get a lawyer since you feel nothing?
I was exasperated! I said well there must b something. It's been 3 yrs for me and I'm still here!
He says I'm getting upset n angry bc I don't like what his IC is saying
----
I don't know. Maybe I read too much and believe stuff that's not really happening as being more than marital probs?
She also told him he has high expectations n he gets angry when ppl dont meet them.
He said when he questions where I am and if I go somewhere w the girls he's just being overprotective. Bc he cares.
I haven't been treating him inhumanly tho We are civil. Talk in the morning while I'm making breakfast. Kiss him goodbye n reply when he says he loves me n have a good day. I still agree w friends to make dinner plans and hang out as couples to keep normalcy.
I'm just at a loss. A complete loss. Oh and he brought he flowers for me tonight. And I can hear him now from in the baby's room, he's fallen asleep on the couch.
God, I'm sorry this is so damn long and all over the place.
Husband saw his counselor yesterday. . This is the gist of what she said
It takes two fir a marriage to fall apart.
He shldve fought to stay upstairs
Marriages don't break up over things like this.
It's only like 1or 2 instances
I'm not even being human to him now during this period
Fidelity breaks up marriages
No one else can break someone's self esteem and confidence
He's trying. I've given up.
I'm throwing 17 yrs away, the kids, our family.
My baby got sick last night and i felt nauseous too. He came up n offered to stay w her on couch. I said no. I wld. Then he came up again an hour later n stayed w her so I can go to bed. His IC says he's trying and wants to be upstairs and be a part of the family.
-----
Were talking about all of this and the baby fell off the bed and her n I both started crying. She was fine, just startled herself tho. So i told him we cant talk anymore now, ive got to get the kids to bed. he was supposed to go to the gym but decided to stay home. Bc he said when he comes home from gym can we finish talking. I said yeah if I'm awake. He says so isn't this something important enough to stay awake for?
I asked him if he explained All the instances and how it's been 3 yrs of us talking. And discussing.
Im thinking to myself, She's supposed to specialize in abuse!! Does she think IM the abuser????
Omg. Please help me.
I'm crazy. I must be. I made it all up in my mind. Things arent that bad I guess!!!!
He said dont I feel something. Bc I don't act like it. I said honestly I don't feel anything emotionally. He said shld I stop trying all that im trying and ghe IC and just get a lawyer since you feel nothing?
I was exasperated! I said well there must b something. It's been 3 yrs for me and I'm still here!
He says I'm getting upset n angry bc I don't like what his IC is saying
----
I don't know. Maybe I read too much and believe stuff that's not really happening as being more than marital probs?
She also told him he has high expectations n he gets angry when ppl dont meet them.
He said when he questions where I am and if I go somewhere w the girls he's just being overprotective. Bc he cares.
I haven't been treating him inhumanly tho We are civil. Talk in the morning while I'm making breakfast. Kiss him goodbye n reply when he says he loves me n have a good day. I still agree w friends to make dinner plans and hang out as couples to keep normalcy.
I'm just at a loss. A complete loss. Oh and he brought he flowers for me tonight. And I can hear him now from in the baby's room, he's fallen asleep on the couch.
God, I'm sorry this is so damn long and all over the place.
I am going to try to bump something I wrote about abusers and counseling. What your husband is saying is HIS interpretation of what his therapist said based on HIS (very one-sided) account of the relationship.
Even if he was repeating word for word what his therapist said, the advice given was in reaction to the information he or she had at the time. Therefore, IT DOES NOT FIT YOUR REALITY.
I have more that I would like to say, but it is late here and the lines are starting to blur together.
You are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with HIM. Otherwise, he would be able to respect your boundaries, not talk in circles and not use vulnerable information to further shake you up.
BTW, the more upset and emotional we are, the easier we become for them to manipulate. That is another realization I just recently had!
Hang in there, Myself! Whatever you may think, however you feel, you are not alone.
His therapist can not pass judgement on you, your a stranger and no way can the therapist blame you. Some therapist! I mean what will your husband achieve with this kind of therapy?
I don't believe she said this! I think it's him twisting her words to hurt you!
In counselling its not the therapists job to put words or interpretations in a clients head. It it the therapists job to let the client know that the clients is being HEARD! Simply because you can only ever take what a client says as what's going on for them.
I bet that he's said all these things himself with the therapist and the therapist responded that she understood what he was saying, how he must have felt or feels now, it's called empathic listening, an example would be "yes I hear what is going on for you, you have fought to stay upstairs and you feel? Exhausted?? Sad?? Etc etc..."
It's a guessing game, it's about his feelings! But he most likely said all this and she empathicly responded that she hears what he's saying and he took that as an agreement!
As a counseller it's not your job to agree, it's not your job to disagree, it's your job to listen empathicly, challenge only in order for growth.
It just strikes me that everything he's claiming she actually said is everything that favours him! Also everything he's said she said is coincidentally against your boundaries and your reality. Not only that but it's also coincidentally just what was needed to be said to break you (hence you crying and feeling lost)
Don't forget, abusers can't abuse as successfully if you have boundaries.
He woke up from the couch at some point and came to bed. Asked if I wanted to talk and I said no. He asked if he could sleep upstairs and in our bed and I was a bit scared so I just said fine. Then he told me he loved me and I said me too. Again I was really just scared and didn't want to set him off by not replying at all.
He just gets up and wakes me. Asks if we can talk I said no I'm just too tired. He then says he's sorry for staying upstairs last night and bringing me flowers. He said he'll respect my wishes and go back downstairs. He comes back in 10 minutes later begging to talk. Near tears. Asking if there is anything left. Asking what got me so upset that his IC said. I'm half asleep here and just wanted him to leave me alone so I said it hurt about her suggesting you stay upstairs, that's it's only a few instances and I seem like this bad person for kicking you downstairs. He said, maybe she didn't say it like that. Maybe I interrupted what she said wrong.
And right there, after thinking of everything you guys responded here, I'm thinking - he's lying again. I'm looking at him thinking who is this person.
I just said maybe its best if we don't share what we each talk about in our IC sessions. He's crying asking how do we reconnect? How long will it take? He's so upset and doesn't want us to throw away 17 years over this.
And again, as soon as he said "this" it hit me once again. He just doesn't get it bc "this" is actually years of repeated poor unhealthy behaviors. Not just one thing.
You guys gave me strength and I felt a bit more level headed this morning and was able to respond without getting sucked in. Thank you for that.
You've got some wonderful advice already. I just want to add, if he is having IC, it's very easy for him to triangulate with you and the therapist. You and she don't have the chance to communicate without him getting in the middle and warping whatever is said by one or both of you, and feeding you both lies himself!
Look up triangulation as an abusive behaviour :) Hope it helps. I'm so sorry he is doing this, but your instincts are right. Please trust them xx
He wants you to get in a tailspin and cave, because then he'll have control again. He doesn't like it when he has to respect your wish for space, because that's you having some say in the relationship, and, to him, encroaching on his monopoly of everything.
Just remember whenever you feel jostled and unable to think clearly: it's happening because he is trying to MAKE it happen. Resist with all your might, because it is not genuine behaviour; it is a strategy.
Hugs xx
To me, him backtracking is very telling that he knows he either lied to the therapist or you, or both of you. And his tears and insistence on talking with you (when you needed to sleep, nonetheless) are about his own panic that his most recent tactic did not work, and in fact backfired.
(((((HUGS)))))) Take extra special care of you today.
First off, that counselor is crap.
Secondly, that really sets me off when someone says it takes two to ruin a marriage. I heard it a lot, too, when I was separating. It absolutely does NOT take two to ruin a marriage. It takes two to make a marriage WORK. And only ONE to seriously f*** it up!!
Thirdly, he is the one at fault for living downstairs because you actually asked him to leave! But he wouldn't!! (Mine refused, too. It took me five months of telling him every day before he finally got an apartment, and even then he wouldn't leave me in peace. Meanwhile, there were two so-called counselors thinking he was the greatest husband ever.)
Arg. I am so mad about the crap they are putting on you. Don't you believe it!
He's since called me twice and texted an apology and how he wants things to work. I just told him I'm on the phone with work. I actually called out sick today.
My sister texted this morning asking why I havent replied to her all last night. I told her I just had a bad night and not to txt me bc he hadnt left for work yet. She asked if I was ok and I suggested we have a code word just in case I ever needed her. She called me soon after he left, and urged me to talk to the lawyer again. Not to wait. It's ridiculous now. She feels I should let him know I'm going to stay with the girls at my sisters for a while because I need space and he's not leaving. But suggested I speak to a lawyer to make sure it's not abandonment or anything. I dont know any of the legal stuff about this.
I have my IC sessions tomorrow. I wonder if I should see if she can see me today? Do I call the lawyer? I'm so overwhelmed and confused I dont know what to do.
First of all. . . . . please don't
minimize veral/mental/emotional/psychological abuse
by starting your sentence with "just."
Physical battery is NOT quantitatively WORSE
than emotional abuse. The only difference is
that it leaves a trail of blood and broken bones.
Emotional abuse leaves a trail of
BROKEN LIVES.
Second. . . . you wrote that he:
. . . . questions me, controls, manipulates things.
Yes. . . . that's abuse.
Third. . . .
Have you done Ilene's Clarifying Index Card exercise
by any chance? If you have, how many cards have
piled up in the stack? If you haven't, you might
want to get an idea of how many instances of
control, manipulation and abuse you have endured.
It might help to clear the fog and help you know
what's right or what's wrong for you, in your
and your baby's lives.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
Please take good care.
But first, I'd like to say - great job staying aware amidst all his confusion! I hope you're proud of your strength!
He violated your boundary by coming upstairs. He's given you plenty of reasons to be scared for enforcing your boundaries.
He wakes you up (sleep deprivation) apologizes for violating your boundaries, promises to not do it again, then promptly does it again. Ignores your request to not talk, uses guilt (crying) to get his way. When you tell him what bothered you about his appointment, he spins - Maybe he got it wrong, maybe she didn't say it like that. (creates uncertainty, sets you up for charges of harshness) (Yeah also MAYBE he lied, MAYBE he manipulated her just like he does you, MAYBE telling you it's all your fault isn't such a great way to take responsibility for his actions!)
And I'm fighting this one a lot, so brace yourself - "I don't want us to throw away 17 years over this" Fantastic catch on his reducing years of torture down to a single thing which barely needs to be mentioned at all. "I don't want us (he's just said he doesn't want it, so 'us' is really you, now isn't it?) to throw away (suggestion of carelessness, thoughtlessness on your part) 17 years (remember the good times... we're not going to paint this as 17 years of torture!) over this (you nailed it)
And you stayed that level after a hard day, while you were half asleep, and cornered in your den. And you STILL beat back the confusion he tried to lay on you.
Do you think your husband would agree for you to go stay with your sister for a few days? If so, I think that might avoid the issue about abandonment that you mentioned. I don't know what the laws are about that, but it seems that if he knows where you're going and when, he can't really claim that. If you think he wouldn't "allow" you to go, or would harass you while you're there, or follow you, then maybe you need to just go without telling. The women's shelter might be helpful on this issue too.
I agree with Bax too. xx