*sits beside you and hugs you* hang in there. You are not crazy. YOU know what you have down and what has been done to you. YOU know the extent of abuse. Counselors can only use what they know. My H was only telling her part truths... things the way HE remembered. Please take care of you and your precious babies.

Thank you for the hug. My God I can't stop crying. I hate this. I hate this mess.

(((((HUG))))) Once again, I had a similar experience with my husband right after he started therapy, I posted it on here too. Remember that he is only telling her what he wants to, which, in the case of abusers, is stuff that makes them look "good". I highly doubt he went in and laid out all of his abusive nature for her to correct him about. Also remember this: ABUSERS LIE. They lie to therapists, they lie to US. I decided my husband was probably lying to both the therapist and me, about what the therapist supposedly said, to shift the blame and responsibility from him to me.

I spent a day crying over this and decided I didn't want to hear about his therapy anymore, and I told him that. Because I have pretty much checked out of my marriage emotionally and have been planning to leave, I decided I didn't need to hear from him about his "progress" or anything about what was discussed in his therapy, if it was going to upset me that much.

Please don't second guess yourself. That therapist doesn't know you and she probably didn't hear much of what has gone on that's led you to where you are now--emotional detachment. Also she was most likely trying to establish rapport with your husband, maybe pretending to go along with him in order to establish his trust in her, for when the hard questions come. It's okay to tell your husband not to share about his therapy with you.

You are not crazy and you didn't make anything up. HE is the one who's twisting things around to make himself look like the victim. You are very justified in having him stay downstairs (which is very humane, by the way--he's a big boy, he can take care of himself) and setting boundaries for yourself and the kids that you're comfortable with. After all, you suggested separation and he refused, so now at least he's in the same house with you, which is what HE wanted. Hope this helps some. Take care and I hope you and your baby feel better soon. xx

The first thing is to stop listening to what your abuser is telling you. This ''therapist'' does not know what she is talking about, and she does not know about domestic violence. If she did, she would not be encouraging him. Something does not sound right to me, and it's not. How do you know he's really going to these sessions ? You really do not know what he is telling her, because, you are not there. There are good therapists and bad ones, she is bad. I felt your pain, and it reminded me of myself, so long ago. If he physically abused you twice, he will do it again. I cannot believe a professional therapist would say that abuse only happened twice, so it's o.k. It's never o.k. No, there is nothing wrong with you. His questioning you after you go out with your girlfriends has nothing to do with his ''concern''. It's about his power and control. You are being abused. This is another trick that abusers use to blame their victims for their abuse. Abusers never take responsibility for their mistakes. It's always someone else's fault...never their own. You need to tell someone what is going on that you can trust. Get in touch with your nearest women's shelter, or women's center. They provide legal services for free. Do not let him know you are doing this. Also, start writing things down as they happen. Again, hide this in a safe place. You need to feel safe. You don't feel safe, because you are not. Please get help. Meanwhile, stay away from him as much as you can. You are not alone, I am always hear for you to private message me if you would like. Please don't give up. You are stronger than you think you are. There's an angel on your shoulder...that's me. Be safe.

Thank you Daydreamer. You make a lot of sense. My fear was that how would I know what he's saying to her and how will our marriage be fixed. But you're right. I don't know what he's telling her. Maybe she is trying to gain his trust. But either way I feel just so beaten down tonite. I was feeling so strong lately. I will ask that he not share his sessions w me.

You did help calm me down :)

Hugs,

In my experience this is what they do. The more I learn about this , the more I am amazed at the similarities. Mine tried counseling too- didn't last long, and didn't help a bit. For me, it actually made things worse. Definitely lied to counselor about everything, and would take what they told him and twist it around to use against me. Actually said that counselor told him that I was not allowed to speak to him at ALL except in the presence of his counselor- for HIS protection against my "false" accusations.

You are not not crazy. There is a REASON why you are feeling the way you are. Took me a long time to learn this, but ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. It is never wrong. So sorry you are going through this. Sending hugs and prayers for you and your kids.

Angel he never physically abused me. Just verbally /mentally I guess. He questions me, controls, manipulates things. He's insecure and unhappy with where he's at in his life -career wise -and he tries to control me to have control over something in his life.

He's saying its one or two instances where he questioned me and got mad, angry. But I can recall dozens and dozens. And when he asks for examples I tell him. And he says that was in the past. Why can't I just put it behind me. Forgive him and move on.

It's all mental manipulation with him and breaking me down.

And the ironic thing is she IS an IC who specializes in abuse because I printed out a list of IC who specialize in abuse and gave him to call and pick one. But now I'm wondering if she thinks HE is being abused? I'm sure he didn't go in and say, I'm here bc my wife is upset and detaching from me bc of my behaviors, so please help me.

Thank you for your kindness and support :)
Hugs,

I am so angry reading this. Not at you, Not, of course. And I don't know what is going on in your home. But I'm angry...angry that there are people out in this world, apparently more than I would have ever imagined, blatantly hurting those they supposedly love the most. What is this about? How does this even happen?

From what I have personally experienced and read up on, abuse will cause your mind to literally go crazy. You are not crazy. It is merely your thoughts...not you...please get that piece. Again, I'm not there. But from what I have read of your posts, you sound like a generous, loving, caring, thoughtful, helpful woman who is trying to sort out the mess in her marriage. Think about it...if you are all those things are you really the one that is the problem? Doubtful. And if you can convey those traits in cyber space, you really are those things or you are a grand master manipulator trying to fool people that otherwise don't need to be fooled. Right? You would have much better conniving things to do with your time. :)

Oh sweetie, please know I am thinking of you and hoping you can continue to find the strength to do what is best, whatever that may be, for you and your little ones. You are not alone in this.

Double check on the therapist he saw. Not sure s/he is all they are reported to be.

Lots of hugs,
LT

Warrior that must have been so extremely frustrating being accused of false accusations. I'm so sorry for what you went through. I'm slowly seeing that there must be a reason I feel this way. I didn't always. We used to be happy and content and loving. I could see us growing old together. I just hate that everything feels like it's unraveling. Thank you for the hugs and prayers :)

Hugs,

LTwist I am really trying to hold onto my strength and not sink into these crazy feelings. It's so damn hard though after husband and I have a talk. I try and think back to the early years and when we had a disagreement, how we would talk and handle things. Did i always just agree with him? Did I doubt myself back then? Thank you for your support and kind things you said.
You did make me chuckle at possibly being a master manipulator :)

Hugs,

Not,

I was not married to him. But the first year and a half was total bliss!! I finally, who would ever believe, met my Prince Charming. Then when stress happened, we took over a farm business and he was no longer surfing the net all day as an unemployed architect, the real monster appeared. And it appeared out of no where in my eyes. Oh my god, it was bright light day and then utter complete darkness. And there was nothing I could say, do, or hope for that would make this awfulness in him go away. It made no sense.

It's craziness at it's best. But you know what...we are better than that!

Shhhh... It's ok. It's going to be ok.

My first thought on reading this - two men are accused of abuse, and go to a therapist. Upon leaving, one of them says 'I'm really glad I'm going to this therapist - they know they're stuff, and I"m looking forward to improving, so that I'll never hurt you again. It's going to take time, and it'll be hard work, but I can change, because you don't deserve anything I did to you. At one point, they even suggested that you might be part of the problem, but I know that's not true. I did this. To you.'

The second comes home and says 'see!? It wasn't me that was the problem - it was you! But I forgive you for being abusive to me. See? Now you have to do what I say, because I'm not abusive, and you've been cruel - and even the therapist who I've spoken with ONCE agrees with me!!!"

Which is the man who is changing his stripes?

I imagine that must have hurt. He's lying. To you, to the therapist, to himself. His story doesn't even make sense - why should they, when he can just tell you that they do? Be kind to yourself, and safe, please, myself!

WTF!!!! He is gaslighting you. You can't believe anything he says. I don't know, what if you were to contact his IC? Not sure whether it would help the situation or just give him more ammo to use against you....Does anybody else on here have any thoughts about this?

We love you. Stay strong and stay safe. Plan a safe getaway in case you need it suddenly. Confide in a trusted friend, clergyman, counselor, or even the police, if you feel he might hit you.

Keep a bag packed for you and the baby. Get a throwaway cell phone in case he swipes yours. Yes, and ABSOLUTELY document everything. I think you will feel better if you are prepared for any crazy move he might make.

Have you been in touch with Ilene in the Physical and Emotional Abuse group? She's a very wise person.

Oops! This IS the Physical and Emotional Abuse group! Sorry; it's just that I know you from other groups.

I agree with the others - he is most likely lying to her, and then lying to you about what she said.

Firstly, it takes two to make a marriage WORK, it only takes one to make it fail.

Secondly, WHY should he have "fought" to stay upstairs? How is that liekly to be helpful?

I can't even start on "Marriages don't break up over things like this" except to say that I wonder what "things like this" he told her. Based on the other things you say, it appears that he told her he got angry with you on two occasions in the past, and you have now kicked him downstairs where he's treated as a second class citizen, not allowed to spend time with the family, an outcast. If that's what he's told her, then some of what she apparently said makes a bit of sense (not all of it, but some of it). It WOULD be pretty unreasonable to not allow him to have any access to the family because of just a couple of times when he acted inappropriately (and which he presumably told her he apologised for, but you just won't let them go).

And yes, he quite probably made out he's the one being abused. My ex and I went to MC a couple times. He was violent, alcoholic, cheating on me for at least 6 months or more that I knew of, quit his job and mooched off me (without in any way cutting back on his spendthrift ways) so he could spend more time playing on line games with his gf ... and somehow the problems in the marriage all came down to the fact that I was too controlling with money and would never let go of the past. It was almost surreal.

Another classic example of twisting the truth was a few months after that. He'd previously promised to throw a big party for my 40th birthday but of course didn't bother - on the actual day of my birthday, he picked a fight with me so as to avoid "having" to go to lunch with my family. So I got nada from him for my birthday but a fight. A few months later was his 38th. I went out with friends in the morning, just to get out of the house. When I got home, he told me about a "straw poll" he'd conducted in his internet game room, and the consensus was that it was a horrible thing for a wife to do to leave her husband alone on his birthday. I asked whether he'd told them that he had told me numerous times that as far as he was concerned the marriage was over and he'd moved on, that he had been cheating on me for months (with someone who was, no doubt, in the very same game room and thus a part of the "straw poll") and that he'd abandoned me entirely on my 40th only a few months earlier. He simply didn't answer. But he also never bothered telling me of a "straw poll" again.

Know your truth, Notmy. You know you didn't make it up, you know it's more than just 2 instances of him losing his temper, you know that you have not been "inhuman" to him recently, but rather that he has been inhuman to you for YEARS.

Abusers lie. Always remember that.

Oh and PS the "high expectations" thing was one of my ex's excuses too. "I just have high expectations - I get just as angry with myself when I don't meet them too". Yeah, true enough - but whether angry with him, me, the dog, some random stranger, no matter who, he always managed to take OUT the anger on me.

Plus, "overprotective" isn't caring, it's disrespect. At best he's sending a message he doesn't believe you capable of looking after yourself. At worst it's controlling and manipulative and designed to isolate you by having you just not want the hassle of 300 questions so you don't go at all.