And avoid bad mouthing yourself as it will only add fuel to the fire.

okay... is there anything i can do... i do and will stand up to this but i do know there is a line that i cannot afford to cross...
how can i stand up to this without him losing his rag with me...

i have crossed the line many times and he just shouts LOOK... i know thats my cue to shut up.... what can i do xx

Why do you keep turning this forum into a court room, mister? I am extremely outraged :""IF it needs ending"",..."And that time is OBVIOUSLY not now..." How did you determine she should stay and cannot or should not leave?
The situation is so sensitive right now. There is a member who is vulnerable why not offer support instead of black/ white judgment ?
I had to express it here. I am cannot keep quiet when I read something like that AGAIN.

You are in the throes of leaving him, it is just a matter of time as to when. He is abusing you and treating you with disrespect, shame on him, he is lucky I'm not around to deck him.

Just bide your time, you will know when it is right, in the meantime avoid him like the plague, and failing that say a little as possible as you need to him.

i know very well the only way to remedy this is to leave again.,.. im not that daft...
but right now i need to save money up... i dont have a lot.. he controls everything... oh i will leave... i will... but right now i need to save up and get some rehousing sorted out... if he turns nasty again like when i DID cross that line i will have to think about going into a shelter again... and i think im prepared to do that... thank you sidi for your arm round me so to speak x x x

my problem is... because ive been in that situation for so long its all i know... so when he IS belittling me... to me its normal.. thats why i cant decipher wrong and right... its not because im thick.. im far from it... its because i think ive been conditioned... and ive got dissasociation... hes definaltey got something wrong with him...

I asked you if you are in immediate danger in my first comment. If you know what to do and you know you will leave then I have nothing to add...You said you were anxious and depressed...You sound better now through your words.

I pray for you that all will be well, and sometime soon. You have touched on why it is that you innocently accept abuse of you from him.

I am a kind person by nature, however, I fail to avoid abuse of me, so I ask myself, why is it I wonder?

For me it dates back to childhood whereby I had a physically abusive father of me. He abused me for ten years and brainwashed me into believing that abuse of me was okay even though it clearly wasn't.

Abused people, through no fault of their own, are often found to be disrespectful of themselves because of, so what I did was become respectful of myself and others, and so far so good, I have avoided continued abuse of me.

Learn to be kind to yourself, as you qualify as one who is most definitely deserving of.

You say that you know you have to leave and that you will leave. You also say that you are prepared to go into a shelter again if that becomes necessary. Make sure to have a safety plan in place NOW, in case you need it.

As for what to do and how to reason with him - don't. If you have decided it's time to save money and leave asap, then don't reason with him, don't rock the boat. Keep your head down and stay safe. You won't change him, you won't get him to see, he isn't going to have a sudden epiphany. There's little point asking him why he treats you badly - you have already discovered all he does is come up with rubbish excuses ("too hot"? What? Really?) and twists your mind around until you don't know which way is up or what's your fault or what you did wrong or why you deserve it - which you categorically don't.

So go into self-preservation mode. Work on yourself, on not talking yourself down (you are not stupid, you know you're not stupid, so don't call yourself stupid) and stop trying to get him to see or to explain. He does it because he can, and because owning and controlling you is his ultimate aim. Building you up and having a loving relationship with you is not in his plan, never was and never will be. And whether consciously or otherwise, he already knows this, he already knows what he is doing to you and he knows he's doing it to control you. And he will never ever admit either of those things.

Turn the focus back to you, to your plans, to how to get safely away again, and how to stay safely away.

I have been in contact with quite a few people today and start to make plans...
thank you to all those who gave me positive support... i really appreciate it..

Sidi - you reply - I asked you if you are in immediate danger in my first comment. If you know what to do and you know you will leave then I have nothing to add...You said you were anxious and depressed...You sound better now through your words -

this is far from supportive isnt it...
you are on here because of domestic violence...
i was / am with this man for 30 years... do you really really in all honeslty expect me to be the right frame of mind ALL the time.,..

i should watch what i was saying in future... your words are cutting... and quite frankly i cant be arsed with it... i need support not negativity and sarcasm...

thank you oldcodge and livnadream x x x

I was not being sarcastic at all. I was apologetic for being perhaps too intense.And I expressed genuine happiness that you sounded better. I am very sorry you took my words to criticism. Good luck! And I am done here.