If he truly is a narc, you did nothing to ask for anything that he has put you through. This is all on him for who he is and how he acts. If you haven't, do a search and read up as much as you can about narcissists. It is a mental disorder that is not easily treatable, if at all. They cannot love others because the detest themselves deep down inside. They are actually incapable of loving. The more you learn about this, the more you will learn to see patterns of abuse, manipulation and the games they play to keep us engaged and therefore giving them what they need to survive.

Go here https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/ and find out all you can. The best response is no response. This means you have to change how you react to them when they are attacking you. Show no emotion on your face and basically tune them out while they are trying to get a reaction out of you. The more you learn about this, the more power it gives you, to control how you act towards them and will change how you see them over time. Then, start doing things that make you feel good. Get clothes that make you feel more like you, buy a book to enjoy, get a new nail polish or lipstick that makes you feel beautiful. Start looking over all that you have been through and realize you are the strong one. You are the one who can love and be strong and caring. You have the power, you just have to find it and believe in it. Believe in yourself and start loving and finding your own worth separate from others. You have made it this far, now go out and conquer the world.

It does NOT matter what you did or didn't do. It doesn't matter if he's a narc or not. (Not making any judgments one way or the here.) You are in NO way responsible for his actions, no matter what he says. ONLY HE is responsible for his actions or lack thereof. You can NOT make him treat you one way or another. The only person we can control is ourselves. There are NO EXCUSES or blaming others for abuse. None!

Also, it is rare that an abuser changes for the better. Current (and for the last couple of decades) stats for improvement are that less than 2% of abusers change for the better and actually stay that way. Even if the abuser make an effort, it would take years and years WITH the help of a specially trained therapist to begin to heal the deep wounding and/or disorder(s).

While you may not be able to leave right now, please be aware that the longer you stay the more "infected" you become. Abuse actually affects how the brain works. It can and does create trauma bonding, Stockholm Syndrome, PTSD, brain fog, codependence and repeated abuse (even seeing abuse) shrinks the hippocampus part of the brain, just to name a few 'side effects' of abuse. Also, if you have children, keep in mind that children who 'just' witness abuse are severely affected. Children learn what they live and live what they learn. They grow up thinking its ok to abuse and/or be abused.


That said, it is imperative that you (and your children) get therapy from a trauma release therapist. Many counselors/therapists have no clue about the dynamics and effects of abuse. Also fewer have the specialized training needed to work with and start to heal the trauma.

A good trauma release therapist will also help you come to a place of self-forgiveness. It's important to know that you are doing the best you can with what you have at the moment. One of the things that happens when we are abused is that the hippocampus part of the brain that helps us see ALL of our options clearly is affected so that we do not see or are able to consider ALL the options. This is why those in abusive relationships believe they aren't good enough, capable enough, lovable enough, deserving enough to live without the abuser or that anyone would or could possibly believe them. Many studies have been done that bear this out. This is yet another reason why therapy with a specially trained counselor is so critical. In addition, a good therapist can help you to feel safe inside of you. And they can teach you coping skills when dealing with narcissist behavior, as well as helping you focus on loving and respecting yourself. Often those two things get lost in the toxic environment of abuse.

The longer we stay in the toxic environment, the less we can see clearly. Therapy is an important part of extreme self-care. And self-care is absolutely critical, especially when living with an abuser.

These are some links that discuss various forms of self care.

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/focusing-on-self-love-amp-self-care

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/what-we-focus-on-expands-practicing-self-care

This wise advice was given to me and proved to be 200% true.
Do NOT - never, ever - tell the abuser
-they are abusive
-that you're seeing a therapist, or if absolutely must because you're using their insurance or they find out, then tell them you're going to try to make yourself better for them.
-that you're thinking about leaving (they somehow have a 6th sense about this)
-you are on this or any other support website
-you want to do joint counseling with them - it RARELY helps and usually hurts you because they are masters of convincing even therapists that its you and not them. Plus they use everything you say against you behind closed doors.

Also, if you are in the U.S. please contact the nearest women's shelter. They are NOT just for those who are physically/sexually abused. They are for anyone who has ever been abused in any way. Many offer free support groups. They should also be able to refer you to specially trained therapists who do understand and have extra training in the dynamics and effects of abuse.

Know that YOU (and any children) DESERVE to live an abuse free life!

~healing hugs~