I have probably waited too long to join a group like this.  I know I waited to long to tell my family.  I was embarrassed, humiliated and felt like a failure.  Luckily I have a very supportive family.  The problem is that they are thousands of miles away.

This started years ago with my husband pushing me to the ground or off a chair, throwing things at me, swinging a chair or axe handle at me, grabbing me by the neck, etc.  He's turned over the table with everything on it, including medications.  I said the dogs would get it and they could die.  He said he didn't care if they died and left me to clean it up.  He has dented the kitchen sink, broken the cupboard door and put holes in the wall.  He threw something at the TV hoping to break it but it didn't.  He told me there is nothing the police could do because it is his house.  (Not really, he hasn't paid a cent toward it.  I am the only one who has.)

He would pull out SAP gloves, billy clubs and knives.  He would try to make me feel how sharp the blade is.  He would tell me how he knows how to kill a person.  He said with one phone call he could make me disappear and my family would never find me.  He has threatened to have me deported.  He said if I ever touch him he would call the police and have me charged with assault.  He would establish a pattern.  He would get everything I own and all my money because he is a citizen and I'm just a stupid foreigner.

He has called me ever vulgar, nasty name there is.  He has insulted my IQ.  He says he hates my family and everyone that looks like me.  My mother phoned the house and he asked her "WTF do you want?"  He has smashed every gift my sister has sent to him.  (I told her to stop sending him anything.)  He has use every possible racial slur for my nationality there is and possibly made some up.  He has accused me of infidelity multiple times.  He usually doesn't let me go anywhere alone but he times me when he does.  He times my calls with my mother.  He dictates when I can go see his mother.  She has called for me and he hasn't given me the message.  He calls over there to see if I am there and when I'm coming home.  When I get home he wants to know what we talked about.

He yells at me and the dogs all the time.  He has threatened to kick my dog in the ribs, to toss the other out the door in the cold or to just leave them at the side of the road out in the countryside.  He said I would come home one day and they would be just gone.  He tells me that I'm over-sensitive and to reel in my feelings.

If I ask why he is being like this to me he tells me that the feeling of persecution is the first sign of insanity.  When this first started he asked how he could make it better.  I said, basically woo me all over again.  He said I was insane and he wasn't going to kiss my *ss.  He tells me things and later says I'm wrong and I must have misunderstood or he never said that.  He says I'm just losing my mind.

He has not worked for years and I have supported him.  The tells me, "when I used to have to work ..."  He tells me to stick a crowbar in my wallet and buy - whatever his want is at the time.  He charged things on his credit card and throws it at me saying I have to pay it because he has no money.  If I say I won't he tell me then I can just pay his bankruptcy lawyer or I will end up paying it sooner or later.

I am afraid to say anything.  If I do, I am a nag or picking on him.  I walk on egg shells all the time for fear of angering him.  He is a very spiteful, vindictive person.  The dogs make too much noise playing.  They are eating too loud.  I am in the way.  Come here now!  Go get this for me.  Find me that.  I didn't cut the turkey right.  I cut the onions too thick.

Without me he has no health insurance, no car insurance, no place to live, no food to eat ... let's face it, he has nothing.  His health is starting to fail so he hasn't done anything physical lately.  But, his mouth still works.  He is all sweet in public but in private he talks to me like an idiot and yells at me pretty much every day, sometimes just for the sake of yelling.  He always finds something.

My family thinks I should try to escape before he really does kill me or drives me insane.  I would have to leave the country with basically my dogs and the clothes on my back.  I know he has done and said things that no husband should.  This is making me sick.  I have a pain in my chest and a hollow feeling in my whole being.  Why am I feeling like the bad one?  Why do I feel like somehow I failed?

I cry myself to sleep the nights I can sleep.  I don't let him see me cry but I'm dying inside.