Welcome to the forum
though I'm so sorry
for your circumstances
and your pain.

I urge you in the strongest
terms to find a counselor
in your area and begin
therapy. Ideally, that
counselor should have
recovery from abuse
as her/his specialty,
but hearing your pain,
my opinion is that you
need to begin work with
someone sooner than
later.

Till you do that, please
begin to practice SELF-CARE
every single hour of every day.

Using meds to sleep is a
temporary solution. Please
make sure you get the support
to help you proceed through
this time, without adding
more problems to those
you're wrestling with now.

The basics of self-care
are eating nutritionally,
sleeping adequately
and exercising
regularly. If you
begin with those,
that would be a
good start.

Add a qualified counselor
and you'll be doing focused
recovery work.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
strength and
healing.

Please take good care.

The only way to really throw it in his face that he did all this to you, is to rise above him, and make yourself a better person, show him you don't care about his relationships and him, and find someone else. Show him you're better off without him!!!

This wallowing, and self pity will only fill his satisfaction that he hurt you, and you would take him back in heartbeat.

I believe some men care only care about themselves.... and your behavior is only fueling his ego.

I am so sorry for what you've been through. Please consider Ilene's suggestions on therapy and self care.

Welcome to the group. People here are very supportive and understand what you're going through.

First let me share, I don't contact my ex. At all. He is trying to get both our houses in his name so someday he'll have to send me paperwork to sign. But I never contact him. He is blocked from texting and calling me. He can only email me.

I started at the gym to get rid of my divorce weight (why do some go down ad I went up).

The problem is finding a therapist. I had a great one that opened my eyes to the abuse and helped me learn so much that I didn't see. But ... we reached our limit as a team.

foundlove, you are right. I have to step above him. Trust me, he doesn't know any of this about me. And I did a huge step by going to the gym to do some classes I like... the gym where I first learned he was cheating on me and it's right by his work. I think that's what triggered all this obsession with him and the chick again. I can't stop thinking about them.

You are taking some good steps here towards healing. With the obsessive thoughts my thinking is twofold, the more you process the trauma of what occurred to you, the less you'll have these kinds of thoughts. Please continue to look for a therapist and get back on that horse. Also, I'd try to identify what triggers these thoughts (such as looking at the gf's facebook) and try to come up with a plan for dealing with them. When you identify a trigger you know you'll be exposed to, put a self care behavior in place for example.

I'd say the number one thing right now is is strict No Contact. Looking at his gf's facebook is not NC. Allowing emails to come from him is not NC, it's No Response, which only has half the healing power as strict NC. It still allows you to be triggered. Do you have a lawyer these emails can go through? Or you can have all contact go through the courts?

Since he's been involved with her, he has not contacted me unless it's about the house. I'm not paying a lawyer... I know what's coming. He'll send me paperwork and I'll sign it and send it back. It's been a few weeks since I've heard from him. You're right... looking at her FB is not NC. But same with going to a gym by his work..... I can't avoid that. The second I hit the street the gym is on, memories come flooding back. How do I stop those feelings. I guess the more I do it the easier it'll get... I just started at that gym two weeks ago.

I just got done FB stalking her again... and saw pics with him and her kids in the swimming pool. My heart is heavy. When our son was that age, he was NEVER around. But does my son remember that... nope. He idolizes dad.

Today is gym day.... I don't want to go.... I want to go home and medicate again... but I will go. I paid for 2 months for this gym (it's really not in my budget) and I know after I'll feel awesome.

But now... I have a heavy heart. Reading some of these messages is a bit of a trigger too. I wonder... what if I did call him. I won't.... I can't handle the stress that makes me feel.

But part of me wants to get in his face and yell I chose not to have more kids (our son is his biological and my adopted son) because he didn't want to have kids and now he's taking this woman's kids on. I want to punch him and hit him and inflict him with pain.

I want to go home and sleep.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I understand where you are coming from. It feels like it is something personal to watch them move on with someone else. I learned to avoid my SO while we were separated for a long time. It was hard, since we lived so close and in a small town, but it really helped to tell myself that he fell off the face of the earth. Nothing to see, nothing personal, just gone, and avoided him as best I could. It was hard at first, but when I saw how much better I felt then it was easy. He is the same man he always was, she will find out soon enough. By the time that car wreck happens, you will already have moved on. You can do it. One day, one choice,at a time. Find a new gym too. Away from him. Once he falls off the face of the earth, you will see, it gets easier.

"He fell off the face of the earth." Great advice. There goes my ex-bf, he just fell off too!!!

I hope you don't mind me being frank with you, since you are asking questions I am assuming you are receptive to opinions and questions.

So he limits his comments to things about the house? I hope that is the case, otherwise if he is making personal comments in any way shape or form it will interfere with your healing.

Regarding the facebook, the gym, being triggered.....it's kind of a fine line between not avoiding dealing with feelings and memories, and not focusing on them to the point it's harmful and the focus becomes about HIM instead of about you. This is part of why counseling is helpful, it can help you straddle that line better, in a way which is right for you. What I was suggesting is that when you feel that itch to go on her facebook-THAT is the moment you need a coping strategy. Finding what works for you that ISN'T that. It could be coming here and venting, it could be talking with some of your support group (family and friends), it could be going for a walk, it could be watching a funny youtube video, it could be telling yourself what your grateful for being abuse free, it could be listening to music, taking a bath, whatever, it doesn't matter what it is as long as it's good for (a self care behavior) and NOT going on the FB which will make you feel miserable. Make a list, and pull it out and use it when you need it.

looking at her FB is not NC. But same with going to a gym by his work..... I can't avoid that. The second I hit the street the gym is on, memories come flooding back. How do I stop those feelings. I guess the more I do it the easier it'll get... I just started at that gym two weeks ago.

When it comes to the feelings and memories....you CAN'T avoid those-even if you tried they'll still find their way into your consciousness, they'll come at you sideways. What helps me is not judging myself for those feelings and memories.

It's a difficult process to explain, but it's letting them wash over me, and by accepting that they are there and I will feel them and remember them, and feeling an acceptance of them, it takes away their power to debilitate me. Then I feel in control of THEM, instead of THEM being in control of me. If I say to you "Don't think of a white elephant. DON'T think of that white elephant!!! STOP THINKING ABOUT THE DARN WHITE ELEPHANT RIGHT NOW!" What is continually in your head? I take away my value judgments about the feeling or the memory. Instead of thinking to myself "I can't believe I let that happen, what an idiot I am!" Or "I miss him, I shouldn't, I'm so ashamed I feel this way when I know it's wrong for me." I take away those judgment on those feelings or memories. I let them stand just as they are, I add nothing. That is what helps me.

Also, with you ex, who has put you through absolute horrors, he has learned to be a better abuser, because he doesn't want to lose the next victim the way he lost you. Don't you remember the "honeymoon" period? Where they make you think you're going to get everything you ever wanted? She's in that same stage. She is not getting a better man, she's getting the same man who's learned to put on a better show. Unfortunately, I totally believe she will be abused too.

Get out all that anger here, many of us are angry too! I'm still angry. Sometimes I feel so at peace, and healed, and then I read something here, or I see how I respond (calling abusers not-nice names and such) and I know I'm still angry too. I get triggered here ALL THE TIME, but as weird as this may sound, it's in a GOOD way, for me. It tells me I still have some healing to do, so these things are being faced and don't sneak up on me. I can deal with them in a safe, upfront way. I can practice using tools that are beneficial, not harmful to me. I still get angry, or scared, or sad, so freaking what, I'm good with it.

That's some stuff I've learned that helps me. Don't know if you can use any of it-just throwing it out there.

Thanks for sharing orangeluv. You are not alone.
It was very crippling finding out my abuser replaced me like a spare tire but this forum has helped a lot and I'm glad you are here now. I was recently reminded that being "replaced" is not personal (although it feels so painfully personal). I realize the only person I get to live with 24/7 is me so why would I want to look at the social media that had his latest victim posted as his new woman. I used to punish myself with that.
There is a pattern with these men and how quickly they replace us. Many people feel they need someone to complete them and he may just be using her and putting on a show. I have no idea. I do know this-that we all deserve to smile and laugh and feel joy.
@cant74deal I liked the white elephant comment. I will try that.

I find the more you tell yourself not to think of something (the white elephant) the more you think about it. Trying not to think about something, that effort and recognition of what you don't want to think about-is thinking about it. The key is not to think about how you don't want to think about it-but to DO or think something that is incompatible with it. Then there's no room for it.

Totally agree with cant on the acceptance.

Trying to fight those feelings we don't want is like standing and pushing as hard as you can on a brick wall to stop it toppling on you. You get tired and sore and the only thing you are able to focus on is the wall. If you stop pushing on it, the wall doesn't go away, but nor does it topple on you. And you are free to look for a way around the wall, now that you are not so focussed on trying to stop it.

Remind yourself constantly that, no matter what you feel, you have every right to feel it. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, smart nor stupid, they just are. What you do with them can be wise or foolish, but the feelings themselves are not. So let yourself feel whatever you feel, remind yourself that it's ok to feel that way, and then look around for a way past the unwanted ones, rather than trying to fight through them.

Tell me why again you miss a man who threw water in your face???

I think this has to do with your low self esteem. Work on THAT; not getting over the ex. The rest will follow.

As for your son, why is he not with you? But wait it out. Be consistent and strong. He'll grow up and away from your ex and he'll see both you and your ex for what you really are.

Hugs.

The step of leaving your husband is wise and a very good move on your part. Of course, your leaving the marriage changed things for your son. Go easy on him. He is only dealing with things the best way he can. He does not have an adult's mindset yet.

I think you need to work on yourself and gain the most strength possible for you. Go back to school and learn something you would really enjoy doing. Be the best you that you can be. Your son will see it.

Your ex-husband's new wife will be visited with the same abuse as you endured. He is a bully. You made the right move. Stop dwelling on your second thoughts and don't wish anyone any harm. It was a bad relationship for you.

Cry at night for your losses as long as you need to. Then, get up in the morning and do things that help you to grow and develop within yourself. That way you will be there to give so much more to your son. He will appreciate it. All sons appreciate the strengths that their mothers show them. I know. I have a strong mother.

Sorry you are going through this. I know its hard.

Lets look at things from a different view. If you went back to him, would he be different? Probably yes, but for the first 2 weeks only, then back to the same man you left a year ago and you would be hating yourself for going back.

I dont know how old your son is, but chances are, this new woman will soon experience his behavior and your son will see that it was him and not you. Chances are the patterns will continue because it doesnt seem like your husband has changed at all and isnt even trying to. He is continuing to be hurtful and demeaning to you. You deserve much better. Your son will always be your son, keep building on the relationship when you see him and try not to talk with him about the issues, just build your relationship stronger.

In time you will feel better. you just have to see your self worth and know you deserve greatness. Tell yourself how wonderful you are and all the great things about you EToday I witnessed an older woman talking very hostile to her elderly mother (i assume). She wasn't very quiet about her abusive nature. The elderly lady with her was in her 80's for sure. She was looking for house shoes. The lady looked at me with an evil squinted eye and scowled tight lips as she passed me. It was pure evil. I could hear her from across the store as I stood in line..... What was I supposed to do? The elderly woman never looked up, just kept walking slowly behind this woman as she ranted and put her down with her obvious irritated tone. I am sad about this and hope for the best for this lady and all the elderly folks dealing with this type of situation. These are the times I wish I was more aggressive and impulsive, but I just minded my own business, right or wrong, I didn't step in EVERYDAY. Stay positive and keep pushing forward.

Some advice - the pain typically stops once you put a stop to the communication with the person who has hurt you. No contact, dont even look him up on facebook....your life doesnt consist of him anymore.....FOCUS on YOU. :) Plant a tree of some flowers and watch them grow everyday as you continue to grow. LOVE YOURSELF first and you will see the difference it will make.