You're not meant to "get" it. It's abuse. Abuse doesn't make sense to a non-abuser. And you are most certainly not supposed to be able to resolve things, of fix things, or make it right. You are just supposed to keep crying and keep trying.

Is that how you want your life to be?

I agree with livndadrem,
Your H sounds like he feels very entitled. So entitled, in fact, that he is bleeding his family dry, emotionally--but he is gas-lighting you so that you will see yourselves as selfish--instead of the truth, which is that he is so selfish that he is sacrificing the welfare of his whole family in order to feed his destructive appetite.
But you can't reason with him--you've tried that many times. And you can't expect him to see the light and start caring about the damage he is causing to you and your son--he won't because the only light he sees is his own entitlement, and how to get what he wants.

You are obviously a very caring person, and you probably want to be helpful. He has taken advantage of that characteristic of yours....and he is exploiting it for his own selfish reasons--much the way a parasite latches onto a host, draining it of blood.

Just remember that you are a good person, but good people can't always give, and not everyone is as altruistic as you. Stop feeding the parasite, and start feeding the people who deserve it--which is you and your innocent son.

Oh--also ((hugs)).

You seem like a person who really cares about her family, so I know this must be really hard for you. Plus, I feel like your H is a lot like mine, so I know the pain and confusion that I went through...he also called me "selfish" many times.

I googled Lundy Bancroft and read some of his free articles online. They helped me understand why my H acted the way he did--I guess it was hard for me to understand it because I am naturally a fairly caring and altruistic person. Maybe reading some of the articles would help you to gain clarity too.

Good luck! You are doing the right thing, trying to learn about and change the situation your family is in.

Littlekatya, I like the parasite analogy, that so describes them.
Possumlady, I agree with the others, we can't understand them. I believe it is because we are givers and they are takers. They all have their ways. I lived with a guy a few years back. He would say how he hated drama and fighting and that the woman would start it. When I moved in (the day I moved in) I saw the truth. He would start the fights (make up something in his head, like I was flirting with someone. Which I wasnt) and do like you described, follow me everywhere I went. trying to get me to engage in a fight. Of course in his mind I did something wrong and caused him to be upset. One night we got in late and I made him dinner but didnt eat any. Because if I eat a meal that late I cant sleep. Well he went off. It made him furious that I would not fight with him. I would simply walk away and ignore him, and he would follow me all around. His game was to get up in my face and scream at me, until I fight back. Hopefully to push me to swing at him or to push him away, then he could justify beating me (self defense) we cant understand or fix things. They have a warped way of seeing things and will never be satisfied. If you stay it will get worse never better. I left him only a month after I moved in. I wish you all the best, God bless you and stay safe.

Hi,
I'm not sure how far the abuse has escalated in your relationship, but I just read this post of yours and it sounds like maybe your marriage might still be salvagable. Have you seeked counseling yet? Even if he won't go, just you going on your own would help give you some protection, and he might even follow later on. There is not one person out there that can meet all the needs of their spouse - it's just not possible, but kindness and love do go a long way in a marriage. Are you spiritual at all? Peace and God Bless.

I'm not so sure that he just wants to talk to you so much as he wants to control you and so he fell back on the tool of intimidation. If you were to have "admitted" to your lack of support (in his warped thinking) he would have felt in control and "right," since being right is the goal of a narcisstic abuser for him to justify his abuse.

I agree with Learned. This happened so many times to me, I lost count of how many times I sat crying while he raged, yelled and screamed at me for not "listening". Eventually I did listen - not to what he was trying to drill into my head through intimidating me but to what my mind was telling me - "this is not right lady, you need to get out and fast before you go under". but it was a long hard road before I got there and it still has it's bumpy bits. but at least now the bumps are of my own making and not his.

Don't take this. Walk out. Take your kids. Leave no messages that you'd be right back! Keep on moving with the kids. Began again. Find a church home. You can do it, and your not alone.

I realize this is a few years old now but that seems like every fight i have with my H. Only difference is I end up being the one screaming at the same time as crying while he starts swearing at me and talking in a low growling/intimidating voice. The fight is never done until I have told him he is right and he is convinced I believe he is right. Sad reality for me though is while I realize all of this while he isnt around i seem to be in a fog when he is around and I feel guilty and as though the fights are my fault and that I am the one in the wrong every time. That along with the fact i feel like I am overreacting to our fights when he is around because all i hear is how wonderful i am, how sexy i am, how happy he is....until i do something wrong

""""""""""""""""""""""""i seem to be in a fog when he is around""""""""""""""""""""""""""



You Are in a fog.

Abuse creates
an emotional
and psychological
fog.

What you have described
here is textbook
manipulation and control.

Of course he's happy.
He's totally successful
at what he's doing.

What is he doing?

He's got you flummoxed.
He's got you constantly
spinning like laundry
in the spin cycle.
How could you possibly
be anything but confused
and utterly disoriented.

When he isn't around
your vision and insight
clears up enough to
see what's happening.
When he growls and
rages, he achieves
his agenda of total
CONTROL.

He's not particularly
original but he is
good at what he does. . . .
making sure that you're
subjugated and submissive
so he's got a ready
sex "partner," (actually
more of a sexual victim).

I'm sorry if this sounds
harsh. I just feel so
badly for your
subjugation.

You are not over-reacting
to being abused.

If anything, you're
UNDER-REACTING!!!!!!!

Wow--I guess we are deleted users now. Littlekatya here (referenced five posts down). I hope you are doing well PossumLady, I recognized your name.

Much love, and much love to anyone else who is viewing this thread and is afraid, or who looks towards the better future they deserve.

I have to say that this place, as well as the people here, helped me through one of the most difficult parts of my life. It will always hold a special place in my heart, thank you all so much. I hope you are well, Possumlady.