Who wants a relationship where you have to be emotionally detached and guarded, even a friendship is deeper than that. How can you have any fun/enjoy yourself like that? A perfect stranger would do just as well.

Why did you leave him in the first place? How were your weekends when you were together? Never settle, always hope.

I look forward to my weekends now, even though I am alone, the stress level is soo much lower without him.

Contact or make some other friends, spend time with them. Don't waste your precious time on a person that hurts you.

Joanie,
I'm sorry but I need to remind you what you wrote.

"llene, I had this happen with the last man. He told me exactly what I wanted/needed to hear up until he had his fill of me. Then when he broke it off with me, he admitted he had lied about everything ..."

Please, Joanie, don't even think about it. You deserve so much better than someone who does that.
Do anything else for yourself even if it's saying 1000 times, I'm so happy he's gone.
You can be alone and not be lonely, find some good movies or books. Be kind to yourself.

Jo,

That's not a relationship you describe. It's a hostage situation! Don't fall for it. Re-read your index cards (or write them), a thousand times if necessary.

You are experiencing "the void" and it is natural that your brain will fill it with him, because it is a long time habit.

Try planning activities for yourself. Write it down. Make a schedule for the weekend. Try to plan at least one thing to get you out among people, but make a written schedule of activities (even mundane stuff like grocery shopping). There is an exercise along these lines in a book called "Feeling Good". You plan activities and then rate the satisfaction you get from them. You could go to the public library and look for that book. I also reccommend "the mindful way through depression" . The point is, there really is so much out there that is better than spending time with someone you have to "detach" from.

Come on here and post and chat anytime you feel lonely. You are not alone. Hugs
L4S

Thanks everyone. I am so torn. It really is not an issue for me as I have not contacted him and he is not contacted me since the voicemail. It was probably just a lapse on his part, he was feeling lonely. He is the type that always seems to have people to occupy his time and honestly I am jealous of that. I don't have that manipulative skill. He will never be alone.
As for a difference between being alone and lonely, well I have been both for so long it has blurred. Sorry if I am sounding weak, I am just tired of being strong alone. It has been almost 7 months now since we have been together intimately and it just seems life is moving on without me. :(
As for taking comfort in posting here, I don't have internet at home and can only check posts on my phone. I can sometimes post it just depends on my phone availbilty and access. My weekends seem to drag by.
I stay away from crowds currently as honestly I just see couples in them and families and am reminded of how I have neither.

Hi Joaniesie! I know it can hard to be by yourself on a weekend. But have you thought that maybe by being alone you are needing to look at this situation from a diferent angle than the one you seem to be focusing on right now. Sometimes being lonely isn't so bad if it brings to a different lookout and out a smilt on your face. Because you was only focusing on one thing instead of the whole picture.

I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice to give. I just thought that I'd say that I feel very similar things to you. I also wonder if I should beg for him back, and just put up with it all. It can't be that bad, right? Except now I'm not even sure if he'd take me back.

But people keep telling me it's better to be on your own. I need to believe them. Deep down, I do know they're right, and I'm sure you know they're right too. I guess we just need to stay strong.

Could you try getting internet at home? Or could you spend the weekend in an internet cafe?

Thank you both for your advice. This phone is better than nothing but Yes I do need internet. I also need to force myself to get out this weekend.

I did what you're describing when I first left. It didn't work well. All it did was keep me in denial.

The fact that you're doubting how bad he was is a red flag. Unless you're superwoman, it won't work like that. It's really easy to get sucked back in.

IMHO, seeing the abuser like walking thru a door marked "plague." Why would I do that? Only one reason I would & that is if my kids were behind that door. Otherwise, that door stays closed. :-)

Here's a link to a neat video, How to be Alone. Go to the library and watch it. :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

If you can get past this w/e w/o contacting him, you will have passed a huge hurdle. The longer we go NC, the easier it gets.

Something else to consider. As long as we keep them in our lives, the less likely we are to get out there and make new friends.

Big big hugs!!!!!

I have no advice I'm afraid, just some more hugs x

MTC - LOVE the video, thanks for sharing :)

Hey Jo, how's it going? How is your weekend so far? I hope you find some interesting activities to occupy your mind. I am spending the day running errands with my daughters. Can I trade you a little solitude for a little listening to two little girls squabble? Lol.

Take care. L4S

" I mean if I can emotionally detach and just take him for what he is, keep all feelings out of the equation and just let him take me places, have fun and not put anything into a "relationship" with someone who will never be able to invest in one. Let him just be who he is and guard my heart, keep my mind in check and keep my walls up'

It won't work imo and from my experience thinking i could do something similiar. I thought that somehow i could just let his addictions be his responsibility, and knew I couldn't cure or change him, I foolishly thought I could somehow not be affected in the time we were together. I didn't even consider leving my feelings out of it because i had convinced myself that he loved me and that since he had been through recovery before and he had stopped drinking that he would chose to do so again. Well he didn't and "we" were affected every time 'we" were together. I found myself questioning if he could quit as he had done so before, why didn't he again? And what was so bad or so difficult for him when were together that he still felt the need to numb out? Add to those self doubts, the fact that he was finding a lot or ways to remind me of my ineptness and I would leave him after a weekend together feeling really lousy about myself and still actually considering that his criticism might be true and that i was inept, and doing stupid things. Eventually i dreaded his calls and started making excuses to not spend time with him. Sorry I have turned this into all about me, but the point i'm trying to make is it can't be done cause i tried it for a long time.
And if he takes you places there will be conditions attached, like sleeping with him or going dutch, or both. And he will never let you forget how "much' he does for you by taking you to those places or buying you gifts. And that is what is referred to as guilt gifting and feelings of obligation attached, obligation to reciprocate, sleep with him and to accept whatever he does without question.
Is that something you really want?
Being alone is tough but being in a relationship of any kind with an abuser is tougher and it is actually lonlier than being alone. because an abuser will always ultimately reject you through criticism.
And by being with an abuser, all you will have will be hope, hope of a real relationship, hope of a real commitment, hope of acceptance, hope of love because with an abuser those things are not possible.

Hopefully you are trying to enjoy your alone time. My motto is I'd rather be alone than with an abuser. And I enjoy alone time. I have dogs to keep me company and that helps.
I feel for you. I had some of those thoughts early on but after I visualized being back in that toxic environment I quickly changed my mind to hell no! Journaling is good, going out w/ a friend, watching a comedy, doing a craft, cleaning a closet, dancing to the radio...just a few ideas. Celebrate your peace. Work on your self esteem so the next relationship can be healthy and you will have good boundaries! Self work is a good thing. You don't need a man, you need to love yourself! Be kind and patient with yourself. Just my 2 cents. Big hug...

I so appreciate all the support on here. You are all amazing. MTC loved the video. Look for Serenity, I would gladly trade you. :) Children are so precious. Learned, your viewpoint is so objective and appreciated. To everyone I appreciate the advice, support, hugs, and kindness. I have not gotten out today but I did not call or text him. I did however send a message via FB. It was real brief and non emotional but still I should not have done it. " I will say one thing for you, you do have one beautiful cat." ( I loved his cat and the cat would actually bite him at times but never bit me) I realize that was a step back to message him and I may be able to do damage control by deactivating my acct or blocking him. I did have him blocked but I grew weak. I never accepted his friend request. It was a struggle to NC by phone to be honest but I did not. Somehow knowing I have support helps. One more long day, I have got to try to occupy my time tommorrow. Thank you everyone. I am so angry and disgusted with myself that I have moments I obsess over what he is doing and is he happier without me? It's ironic that when he did call me after two weeks of NC I was finally not even thinking of him. Like he knew somehow and his message of I did not forget about you was actually meaning I won't let you forget about ME.

Start by not beating yourself up. You have been through enough abuse from others, no use giving more to yourself. If you spend your alone time abusing yourself, no wonder alone time is so lonely. Think of it this way - you are berating yourself for your thoughts and emotions. Isn't that, in some ways, even crueller than being berated for something you actually did or didn't DO?

Forgive yourself the unwanted thoughts as easily as you have forgiven him all the things he's done to you, and you will be on your way to enjoying your solitude - and, at the same time, to finding ways to get out of it when you want to.

I do know all that stuff is WAY easier said than done, but it's well worth working on. Remember that you are worthy, lovable and valuable precisely as you are. You are not perfect, but your flaws are as much a part of the worthy, lovable and valuable person as your virtues are.

Also, instead of fighting the thoughts and getting angry with yourself over them, train yourself instead to think about something else. If you try to just think "I'm NOT going to think about him", that will never work and your frustration and anger will build. If instead when thoughts of him come up, you force yourself to think about something specific: your horse, or a happy memory, or a good movie or whatever else will help, then you can slowly train yourself to give him less headspace, while at the same time being less frustrated and angry with yourself.