I rather be alone, happy and safe, then with an abuser that takes pleasure in hurting me on purpose. Get a hobby, read some self-help books, take a class, join a group, make some friends. Do'nt waste your life with this loser. You deserve so much better ! Abusers never change.They just get worse. Be glad you are away from him.

Here I am again...I just feel your pain because I was there and helpless to change the person I loved. He had already moved on to someone else. I tortured myself w/ thoughts of them etc etc...then I just had to stop, and tell myself this is God's plan to not be with him. Embrace God's plan, don't fight it. He doesn't want you to suffer. I read the bible, went to church, talked to my priest, along w/ other friends and family who cared about me. I had to reach out, I had to do the hard work. It is hard but only you can do it. Move forward, slowly and kindly. I still get pangs of pain and feel bad, and I tell myself, oops, I'm doing this again, go away evil thoughts. Prayer really helps. I think I read every self help book and online source (except didn't have this wonderful site, wish I did but just now stumbled on it. The prayers really helped me and I began to notice happier things, life seemed brighter and the fog of abuse began to life. I give all my thanks to God for seeing me through. It's a valley you have to work through. No way around it but through it. God is strengthening you now. Let Him. Know good times will come from this. You will be stronger and better because of this trial. God is in control. Ask for His help.
Big hug.

I seem to have nothing to give today to myself or anyone else. I have been obsessing about my ex husband a lot, especially since seeing him the other day. He has been the only man in my life that was honest, faithful, and actually not physically or emotionally abusive to me. I feel he suffers from depression and did then and if I would of sought help for him in counseling and meds that maybe I could of saved our marriage. He had wanted to do counseling when I asked for a divorce but by then my resentment was so bad and I was so numb it was to late. I had shut myself off from him and if I had opened up I might have been able to avoid making such bad decisions and living with this regret now. I never even told him the shameful details of my childhood. Maybe I thought he would leave or not be able to be with me intimately.? I just know I always felt he was too good, too handsome, for me and he would be the one to cheat on me or divorce me. I never dreamed I could walk away from a man I practically made my world. And now all I can focus on is either that world or self destruction by going back to any of my abusers. It is as if I find no passion, no pleasure in life and yet I feel like this is on me. It keeps coming back to the man who told me Karma times Ten. That whatever you do you get back tenfold. Therefore each man that cheats on me is my karma and the abuse is just an aside. That once I get ten maybe my ex can forgive me and I can forgive me? This man also said I deserved the molestation I got as a child and probably enjoyed it. How can an 8 yr old deserve or enjoy that? :( Anyway just been crying most of the day and thinking I will just go back to bed. Maybe I can sleep it off. I did deactivate my Facebook account. I am just to weak for one. Thanks for the support and kindness. Sorry for whining.

Please don't give any credence whatsoever to anything an abuser says. They all talk out of their azz.
I am sorry you shared the details of your past abuse with your ex abuser. Those kinds of details are like blood in the water to a shark. But know that you aren't at fault for wanting to open up and for mistakenly believing that you could trust him. Know that any shame is on him for attempting to turn the blame back on you as a child. You weren't to blame then or now and karma times ten? Bullshet!
I believe that only applies to people who intentionally manipulate and harm others, not to innocent victims, especially children.
Always always consider the source when you even consider for one millisecond that anything he said may be true. The man is a moron, beyond that an ignorant moron.
You say you don't feel strong enough to give anything right now, so that is just fine. That isn't a requirement here. When you feel strong enough, you will.
But one thing I believ is that staying online and keeping your focus on him and the pain he caused you, isn't helping you right now.
And going back to bed may temporarily help, if you sleep, because you won't be conscious, but when you wake up, I think those feeling will still be there. As difficult as this may be, I recommend going outside or to a park or somewhere outside in nature where you can appreciate beauty, and do not take your laptop. Go for a hike or a walk or just sit on a bench and look at the details of what is around you. Look at the beauty.
It is there for your enjoyment. If you have a hobby, plunge headlong into it. Really focus on your creation.
The thing to remember is he has taken up enough of your time and heart space. Don't keep giving him more. He doesn't deserve it.
and when it comes to regrets about leaving your exh, just remember we all do the best we can at the time, with the knowledge we have at the time. when you really look back, there were probably plenty of valid reasons for your ending it then that are still true today.

I think the fact that you deactivated your facebook account means that you're strong, not weak. It's a big step to do that when you feel like you really want contact with them. You should feel proud of having done that.

Have you tried counselling for yourself?

I agree wholeheartedly with everything Learned said.

I also wanted to add that you are beating yourself up for not having "fixed" your ex-H's depression. That wasn't your job, and it was one you could never have done. You can't do that for anyone else, they have to do it for themselves. He was not the right man at the right time.

"And now all I can focus on is either that world or self destruction by going back to any of my abusers." It's a lot easier said than done, but you need to start focussing on you and on the present moment. The past is done, the future isn't yet here. All we have is the present. The future is full of opportunity, but if you are 100% focussed on the past, then you'll never see the opportunities.

If you have nothing to give now, then don't give now. If you feel FB gives you more pain than enjoyment, or is too dangerous for you right now, then leave it be for now - IF in the future you feel it would be of benefit to you, then reactivate it; if you never do feel that, then so be it. Focus on what feels right for you, not what other think is right for them, or what you think should be right for you. You don't need anyone to tell you how you should be, how you should feel.

Focus on now, right this minute, on what you can do now that will make you feel good. You can't go back, so there's no point saying "well if I could go back to my ex" or whatever, because you can't. Focus on what you CAN do, now, to make you feel good. Come up with a list of things that you can do that make you feel good - and pick one off the list every time you start obsessing on the past and on what might have been. You can never know what might have been, so we all have to deal with what is.

Take care - you are not weak. You are finding all this hard, not because you are weak, pathetic or stupid. You are finding hard, because it's hard. I was talking to someone from here today, someone who has been a friend of mine here for a long time, and we were talking about where we were once - my old journals are full of how I've destroyed my life, how I have no hope of happiness, of how I'm weak, stupid and pathetic, how I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do and will always be a failure. Little has changed other than my perception - but I no longer feel any of those things. My life isn't over, I haven't ruined it, it's full of possibilities. Today, I'm making no money but I'm relaxing with a cup of tea, the sun is shining, I have my dogs lying at my feet and I am (I hope) helping others. Life is good.

Life can, and will, be good for you too, Joanies. Believe me when I tell you that I KNEW, knew without a shadow of a doubt that people who were writing to me the kinds of things I'm writing to you, just didn't know. They were stronger than me, smarter than me, less damaged than me, had more support than me ... there was SOMETHING about them that meant they could find happiness, and I was glad they could (unless, and this thought occurred to me too, unless they were just kidding themselves), but I knew that I never would.

Keep trying, keep moving forward and keep staying away from the things you don't find helpful.

Did not call or text my last abuser and let me tell ya it was hard. Not sure why? I realize he does not care about me, he just calls or contacts when he feels his grip on me loosen. Perhaps its not healthy but to focus on my ex husband is at least safer in that no one holds a candle to him. I can't have him but at least it keeps me from running back into the arms of self destruction. I have found no peace today but I stayed strong. Hoping that by deactivating the FB acct the last ex will not get the brief message I sent? Either way, fb seems to be to harmful to me at this point. Again I so appreciate everyone's advice and support. If I make it through this I hope I can help someone else. As for counseling I have tried it and the two counselors I got made it almost worse. First one told me basically to read the Bible and when I told her of my childhood abuse she wanted me to divulge a name so that she could turn him in. The damage is done and in a small town the repurcussions would just make me a victim again. Also she blew my trust in her that I could count on any patient -dr confidentiality. I never went back. Second one would look at her watch the whole time and I felt like it didn't matter anyway. Thank you for the suggestion though.

Did not call or text my last abuser and let me tell ya it was hard. Not sure why? I realize he does not care about me, he just calls or contacts when he feels his grip on me loosen. Perhaps its not healthy but to focus on my ex husband is at least safer in that no one holds a candle to him. I can't have him but at least it keeps me from running back into the arms of self destruction. I have found no peace today but I stayed strong. Hoping that by deactivating the FB acct the last ex will not get the brief message I sent? Either way, fb seems to be to harmful to me at this point. Again I so appreciate everyone's advice and support. If I make it through this I hope I can help someone else. As for counseling I have tried it and the two counselors I got made it almost worse. First one told me basically to read the Bible and when I told her of my childhood abuse she wanted me to divulge a name so that she could turn him in. The damage is done and in a small town the repurcussions would just make me a victim again. Also she blew my trust in her that I could count on any patient -dr confidentiality. I never went back. Second one would look at her watch the whole time and I felt like it didn't matter anyway. Thank you for the suggestion though.

Keep trying - not all counsellors are good, and even of the good ones, not all are a good fit. But the right one can really make SUCH a difference.

And the other thing - focus on the things you achieve rather than the ones you don't. Focus on the fact you didn't call or text your ex, not on that message you sent that he may not have got.

You can and will get there - but not by contacting an abuser.

Just wanted to let you know that I've tried that whole emotional unattached thing for the past 6 months since I moved back in with him. I lie and tell him what he wants to hear. We both tip-toe around on eggshells trying not to make the other one mad, but it still happens. We have sex, but it's just sex, I don't have any desire to cuddle and he notices that. It's really no way to live at all... That's why I'm making my plan to leave this weekend. Just trust me, I feel like shit about myself because I've pretty much been living a lie just to avoid being alone, avoid the drama/struggle of trying to keep him away, and hoping that it was better for the kids to have their parents in the same household.

I am sorry your having a rough time Pegasus. Wishing you better days ahead.

I am currently talking with a friend who says she knows of a therapist that does in home visits, but at this point I don't know alot about him. She just said he is nice.
I am not sure if I will be able to talk to a man about alot of the things that have happened to me without shame or guilt. Guess we will see what his credentials are and what the cost to me will be and go from there.

I understand completely what you are going through. The weekends are the worst, lonely. I have been there and the wanted to just be with him because you dont want to be alone is really not a good idea. You think he cant hurt you if you have those walls up, he can. Being isolated with no internet does make it worse. I was you 4years ago. I had to force myself to go to the library and not only did I use the internet, but I found my love of reading again. You can also borrow movies from most libraries. From there, I started leaving the house a little earlier to go to a local diner for breakfast before the library. I made myself smile and talk to people. Four years later, I dont mind being alone. From venturing out I found a wonderful man who treats me with respect and loves me. It took me time to trust him, but that happens in time too. My point here is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You have yourself and that is a unique wonderful person. Getting to know that person again after being a couple, takes time, but is worth it. Once you do start moving forward, the world is open to you. You also have everyone here who will do what we can to make sure that you are ok.. Hang in there, reach out to us and we will be there. Learn that you are a great person to be with, and then being alone doesnt seem that bad. Hugs and Happy Thoughts.