Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Not really sure where to start...
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
BUT I had no clue as to the damage it did to me. It almost did annihilate my soul. I left 10 years ago. Divorced for 8. With seriously intense therapy for 6 years, I am much better, but still not healed. He is on wife # 3 (I was #1). From what I've been told, wife #2 left for the same reasons I did.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to Ilene. It will only get worse and it WILL kill you mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, both figuratively and literally.
~healing hugs~
I can see how my daughter's boyfriend is bringing her down, it is so painful to see and I feel helpless, kudo's to you for coming on here as you do know there is a problem.
He is being verbally and emotionally abusive, this will bring you down to a place where you won't be able to think rationally, please don't let him do this to you.
Be strong, I'm sure you think he might change, there are others out there and someone who will treat you with respect, this is not a healthy relationship for you, it's not normal.
I think you should concentrate on yourself, go forward, what do you want your future to be like, not this I'm sure.
He needs to fix himself if he wants, you can't and please don't waste years of your life trying.
My daughter says she loves her boyfriend and I know she feels sorry for him, that's it you see, feeling sorry for them, that's what they want too.
Sending you hugs, please listen to everyone.
I guess I still do feel bad for him and part of me doesn't want to be alone so that's why I haven't cut all the contact even though I have no plans to see him.
I have been through that and probably others here too. He is only abusive sometimes and then it escalates to all the time.
You are not each other's therapists. I think it worth exploring why are you attracted to the role of a care giver, mother type almost to someone like him who is abusing you. And yes, it is best to do it by start therapy with a professional. And work on you!