Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Not really sure where to start...
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
This is their thechnique : ISOLATION and CONTROL
( If you don't answer me, you are ignorant because I am right - childish bully).
Stay strong.
1. Remain No Contact
2. Be prepared for an escalation when he gets that you are not coming back.
Stay safe.
number I found for
you, in Reply #1?
This guy is just another manipulative user/abuser. Can't blame the weed, tho', as most of the stoners i know are the farthest thing from "abusive" i've met.
But these things affect some differently...
You can hold his lying about it against him tho'. You made it clear that you don't want to be involved with an "illegal substance user/abuser" and he's been doing it all along, lying to you about it. Pretty disrespectful right there, if you ask me.
He sure is mean to you! Sure hope you get away from him and start appreciating yourself again. You have to have a good heart and a lot of courage to be a volunteer EMT. Must have some smarts, too! :)
You need folks who appreciate you in your life. Especially in the "significant other" dept. This man just isn't the one for you, IMHO. FAR too many insecurities, issues, and ego.
TC & find FUN! It's out there!
{{hugz}}
He's not bad when he has his weed, it's when he can't afford it or runs out when he gets nasty. He says he "doesn't know who he is without weed".... then confronts me about having panic attacks and needing prescribed, legal anxiety medicine. I do feel like his lying to me about it was disrespectful. Maybe if he would have said it's gonna take time to quit and he was going to slowly cut down and had more open conversations with me about it I wouldn't have been so upset.
He is very insecure, always asking if I have other boyfriends, like any other guys more, if I run into someone I know or talk to someone he asks if I have a history with them. I had given him the benefit of the doubt since I know I was his first relationship and he knew that I had a few before I met him.
I only answer the texts that are nice/ not angry, and then if he gets angry I stop responding. for example, this was today's:
Him: " I just donated $200 to a veteran that made me feel good"
me: "Cool, Hope he was really a veteran! lol".
him: " Well what do you think I just gave money to some guy that held his hand out like I'm a moron?"
"I donated to the guy that gave me that little red flower you know the guys that make sure you can ride your horse and worry about what horse you are going to ride and shit instead of f*cking having to sit there and live in misery because you're getting bombed everyday because they protect our country"
"Stupid questions get stupid answers"
I didn't answer those last three and am not going to. If I were to confront him and call him abusive or bring up his behavior he would flip out. If I say nothing he'll text me something else random in a few hours and act like it never happened.
He says he thinks once I adjust to my new job (just started working 9-5 monday-friday after working 6 years on overnights) that I'll want him back. When I explained that this was a big adjustment for me and I didn't know how my body would handle it he said it's not that big of a deal and that even with normal hours I still won't have time for him.
I think part of the reason it didn't bother me right away was because my mom is extremely overbearing and controlling so I almost didn't notice his behavior until it really escalated.
He is treating you like a drug from what you wrote here and if you let him project that on you, you will suffer most likely from the consequences of addiction to a toxic, abusive relationship.
I do think you need support to not get sucked back in, because you cannot handle or program him by answering only to his positive texts. You can choose between staying in abuse or leaving abuse.
who's dominating and
controlling is the perfect
(and all too frequent)
set up for being
vulnerable to
being dominated
and controlled by
someone else ---
----- for the rest of
your life.
Educating yourself
is a very good step
forward on the journey
to healing and recovery.
Many of us, early on the
journey, gathered valuable
information about abuse
and abusers. And then,
having done that, wanted
to share what we learned
with our abuser, hoping
that naturally, once they
heard the valuable
information, they'd
want to change what
they were doing to be
able to craft a better
relationship with us,
(their victim).
Please don't. . .
let me repeat that. . . .
for your own SAFETY
and WELLBEING
DO NOT
ever tell him that
you've found his
behavior patterns
in pyschological
literature and it
says there that
these are the
behavior patterns
of abusers.
Abusers do NOT
want to hear from
their now educated
victims, that they're
abusers being
abusive.
Some of the time
that valuable information
will be ignored. (That's
the BEST result.)
Most of the time that
valuable information
will be a trigger that
launches the abuser
into heightened levels
of abusive attacks.
At the bottom of your
original post you asked
for comments and thoughts
about whether he's
"basically emotionally
abusive" or if it's because
of losing his father.
Without getting into a
long clinical exploration
of sociopathic/psychopathic
behavior patterns versus
other kinds of psychological
disorders and emotional
injuries. . . . . I'd have to
ask you if the source of
his abuse of you is your
bottom line. . . . or if living
a life that's free of abuse
rather than being the target
of abuse, is your bottom
line.
Here's another observation:
It sounds like you're hoping
that responding (only) to the
non-offensive communications
will serve to teach him that
you won't be a party to his
being abusive towards you.
Behavioral conditioning
has shown effective results
under a variety of circumstances,
but is not known for being
effective in abusive situations.
In abusive scenarios, when
a victim responds to ANY
kind of interaction launch
by the abuser, the abuser
interprets this as an on-
going conduit for future
manipulation and control
of the victim. He is not
learning to be respectful
of and non-abusive
towards you. He's
learning that you're
open to on-going
manipulation,
control and
abuse.
Learning everything you can
is an excellent square one.
I'm hoping that in the not
too distant future, you'll
take the step of connecting
with on-the-ground support
that's there to help you recover
from your mother's abuse
and be able to live your
adult life free of abuse
by anyone else.
learning that you're
open to on-going
manipulation,
control and
abuse."
I am finding that this is so true about any contact. As soon as there is any contact, it all starts; in my case, the covert manipulation...a smile on his face, and I start going crazy. He loves it. No contact is ever good.
I didn't beg him to stay with me or tell him we'll make it work but I also didn't say take a hike either... I don't understand why I'm hesitant to lose him. He said I never loved him, I said that wasn't true because I would have told him to leave after learning he lied to me about still using weed.
I don't know why I'm holding back on telling him to never contact me again. Maybe its the fact that I knew his father for so long?
He's telling you the truth.
He HATES that you're
"too sensitive"
to TOLERATE
his ABUSE.
He NEEDS a partner
who's INsensitive
enough to be able
to TOLERATE
his ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!
That's exactly the
partner he requires.
Is that you?????
"""""""""""""I guess I was hoping that I could "train" him not to talk to me like that or to teach him that I won't respond.""""""""""""""""
If he were a functional,
healthy person, you
might be able "to train"
him. But he's not.
Not you ---- nor anyone ----
can "train" an abuser.
There are probably
six different contributing
factors that are connected
with you having a hard time
shutting this down. As the
old song said:
Breaking up is hard to do.
Keep one thing in mind:
Abuse only goes
in one direction.
It ALWAYS
gets worse.
Stay or go.
If you decide to
stay, know that
you're accepting
the annihilation
of your soul.
Hoping you'll
feel attached
to your spirit
and your soul.
You are
ENTITLED
to live
free of abuse.