Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Not really sure where to start...
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
abuse before his father
died.
If that's the case, then
losing his father is not
the issue.
Even if everything you've
described came up after
his father died, it's still
abuse.
For the record, being
"friends" with an abuser
is not better than being
an intimate partner with
one.
Here:
800-942-6906
is your state's toll free
hot line. Tell them your
not in the middle of an
emergency but would
like to connect with your
local women's center.
They'll give you the
number and I urge
you to give them a
call.
Also, for the record,
jealous behavior
such as you described,
is an indicator of a
possibly dangerous
kind of abuser.
Bottom line. . . . if you
don't want to be with a
drug user and he smokes
marijuana. . . . than why
be with him? (It's unlikely
that his story about quiting
three weeks ago is true.)
Please call that number.
Emotionally abusive
relationships are just
as serious and sometimes
equally as dangerous as
any other abusive relationships.
Please take good care
of yourself.
That's not love, that's control. You deserve respect, and I don't believe he has any to give.
Dude is baaaaad news.
Run, don't walk.
When we were first together, he was prompt, always clean and well dressed for dates, polite, smoked cigarettes less. Now he doesn't always shower or shave, sometimes late, spends a lot of our time together outside smoking.... I attribute some of that to the depression of his dad being gone. They were extremely close. His mom and dad did not have a good relationship (separated but living together for financial reasons) and always fighting so I feel like he wasn't really brought up learning a respect for women. Dad had a few affairs in recent years.
He always talks about ending his life because he lost his dad and no girlfriend... I don't want that to happen and I know how important it is to have someone to talk to when feeling that way as I was in that place a couple Years ago.
Leave him now. And find out what's going on with yourself that you'd get wrapped up in such bad men.
He doesn't have the right to abuse you, and there are a lot of people who deal with grief and make other choices for themselves.
You need to break for him right now and take care of yourself. If it is the grief , and you are in love with each other for real, you will be able to start this relationship over when he is recovered.
You are not in a relationship right now , you are in an abusive situation till he reconnects to you and shares the same empathy you have for him.
So you've done your bit
being patient and
explaining and talking
and trying to get him
to interact in a healthy,
functional way to
create a healthy,
functional relationship.
If your patience and
your efforts haven't
worked to this point,
ask yourself how
you'll feel five years
from now when you've
invested five
IRRETRIEVABLE years
of your FINITE life
into a situation that
only got worse
over time.
If you don't like
the answer
then
get out NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(I invested TEN
irretrievable years.
What I wouldn't give
to have that decade
back.)
I understand you. I also want to protect you with what I know happens next in an abusive relationship because it is a familiar pattern.
I do feel like I'm abandoning him... He says he can't lose his dad and his girlfriend in the same few months.
He always had an issue saying I wasn't affectionate enough when we were together and he felt unloved. So I started to try to get more comfortable with that and let my guard down and he would pull away, I'm not sure if he was joking but it didn't help at all. Then he would say it was because I wasn't being sincere and only doing it because he said something.
This one may be more of a rant lol... Just thinking of some stuff that came to mind today.
More from the language of abuse :
""He always had an issue saying I wasn't affectionate enough when we were together and he felt unloved. So I started to try to get more comfortable with that and(let my guard down) and (he would pull away), I'm not sure if he was joking but it didn't help at all".
You are in the situation, unguarded because you trust him and he pulls away and he is outside the situation making judgments and criticizing. And it is so dangerous because he is showing you that you cannot trust him and he projects that mistrust on you. But he is right about you not being authentic. You don't really want to let your guard down with an abusive man.
I will sum up all my comments here with the hopes you hear it now when the members here are telling you and not when tells it to you once and for all because it is getting louder and it will hurt. This is not about his loss and pain, it is about you. What in you makes you want to hold on to him? What are you protecting inside of yourself?
accusing you of
not being affectionate
and then pulling away
and accusing you of
not being authentic
when you WERE
affectionate has
a name (within
the context of
being abusive).
It's called:
Moving the goalposts
and it's a
STANDARD
abusive technique.
It's true that some
abusers physically
injure and permanently
maim.
Some abusers kill.
If yours isn't in this
category, you may
feel you're doing
just fine.
I hope you'll call
the number I posted
earlier and get the
on-the-ground
support that
you need.