Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been living apart from my husband since April but we still talk and see each other about twice a week. He has been in alcohol treatment since February, but is also has a history of emotional and some physical abuse. I have been sticking around to see if the alcohol treatment would help alleviate the abuse but have since learned that substance abuse treatment does not cure abusive thinking and behavior. I have read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That, which taught me that there is different treatment for abusive behavior. I talked to my husband about him getting help for that and he claims he will think about it and IF he does it wouldnt be until after his 6 month alcohol treatment is over. He claims I am not acknowledging all the changes he has made when I try to explain to him how scared and guarded I feel. When I do bring this up, he claims I am "attacking him" and he will sometimes say that we want different things in life. His newest claim has been that he now wants to have kids knowing that I have no interested in having children (especially with him at the moment). A few days ago he said he wanted to be with a woman who is caring, soft, type B and nurturing (implying that I am none of those things). He keeps saying that he is making positive changes in his life and wants to rid himself of all negativity, which includes talking about the past (i.e. his abusive behavior). I don't know what to do. I am still young (33) and want a healthy relationship and happy life. I just dont know if it is possible to be in a healthy relationship with him. If he doesnt get treatment for the abusiveness I feel that there is no hope and I have to let him go, even though I love him. This is so hard and I struggle with this thoughts every day....
Think of it this way. . . . . . .
The "great times together"
are like the 30 seconds
of "high" that a junkie
enjoys and stays addicted
to get to experience. The
rest of the time, addicted
to a drug, is HELL.
Does that sound like
the life you're living
with this abuser?
Yes. Leaving,
(like withdrawing
from a substance),
is often hard.
Once de-toxified. . . .
a life free of abuse
has its own ups
and downs. But
then they're YOUR
ups and downs. . .
NOT the hell of
abuse an abuser
subjects you to.
Please TAKE BACK
YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Take good care.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
That`s the other thing about narcissists - they can't cooperate or be in agreement with you to save their lives. If you look like you're going to stay, they will threaten divorce. If, on the other hand, you seem strong and ready to walk out on them, they will be the ones begging you not to.
It`s because agreement and cooperation are too much like sharing. Ns are selfish. They don`t like being equal; they always have to be one upping people. Unless of course they are threatened with the loss of their supply (other people to abuse and use). Then they will behave as if you leaving would kill them. One cannot be a narcissist unless there are other people to be narcissistic in relation to. That`s where the likes of us come in... unfortunately.
But trust me, it`s just a game to him. He will do and say whatever so he gets to hang onto you as a victim.
Hope that explains it a bit better xxx
And of course, it is all my fault. If I change MY behavior he won't get angry. Forget it. Read and learn all you can on this subject and keep that knowledge available to prevent entering another relationship with another abuser.
Take care of YOU.
This is a snippet of something I posted a few weeks ago. It helped me to understand why its so hard to leave.
Abuse can damage the hippocampus part of the brain. The hippocampus is the part of the brain that, among other things, allows us to see all the options available to us. With enough abuse (whether witnessing or being the person abused, It can cause the hippocampus to shrink as much as 20%, making it harder to see those choices and even harder to make them & follow through with them.
How many of us have said we walk around in a fog? Or that we just can't make up our minds about leaving? Or we want to leave, we know it's best to leave, but we just can't make ourselves do it? It might just be because the hippocampus is damaged and the continuing exposure to the abuse just doesn't allow us to be able to see the forest for the trees, so to speak.
Once out, after a period of time we begin to see a little more clearly and we understand that it's not good to be around that person. But unless we get appropriate treatment, the hippocampus remains damaged because time alone will NOT heal it. So we still have trouble seeing all of our choices (hence going back or breaking NC). Until we start to heal that part of our brain, we will repeat that pattern.
This is the link to the entire post
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/19141057-possible-trigger-why-dont-dv
How long have you been together?
Even though I divorced him over 25 years ago...I still feel the hurt at times..We have a daughter...She got him off drugs for her wedding 5 years ago and now he attends every holiday...just lovely.. so keep that in mind...