Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Warning: This video by Leslie Morgan Steiner may be triggering..
However, I think it will also help us understand we are not alone is what we have lived.
It was originally aired as a Ted Talk and then rebroadcast on NPR. This is the youtube link: .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo
She uses her own story to narrate the cycle of abuse and some ways victims are subtly threatened, as well as how it progresses to violence, and how she lived with & reacted to it. She was describing many of our experiences. At approx 10:15 she begins to answer the question 'why does she stay?' & at 11:00 she answers 'why doesn't she just leave?'
After you watch it, come back and read the following which explains in a little more depth why we stay and why we go back...
There are studies that started out looking at how children witnessing repeated abuse suffered brain damage. There are now studies that show the same for adults.
The brain damage I'm referring to is the shrinking (of as much as 20%) of the hippocampus.
When I heard one of my teachers speak about how abuse damages the brain, everything clicked!
The hippocampus is the part of the brain that, among other things, date/time stamps important events & plays a part in decision making. When a single "big T trauma" (like physical or sexual violence) or repeated "little t traumas" (like verbal abuse) occur, the hippocampus shrinks and essentially gets all goofed up. For example a woman is married to a kind non-abusive man. One day she is physically attacked on the street by a stranger. That attack would normally be considered a "big T trauma." That would be enough to affect the hippocampus. So then, some time later, even years later, when her loving husband comes up behind her (in the privacy of their own home) and puts his arms around her or kisses her cheek from behind, she jerks away from him in fear. What is happening is that her hippocampus remembers the attack but is messed up because it doesn't remember it happened in the past. It thinks it is happening right then. She is reacting to that "big T trauma."
The same thing happens to the brain when we are repeatedly physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally or spiritually abused. And, the same thing happens to the brain if we just witness abuse or any other kind of trauma repeatedly.
It also can happen if we experience a natural disaster. Later when we see tv coverage of a different natural disaster (doesn't even have to be the same kind), we will more than likely react to that 'trigger.' At that point, its very possible that the brain can't tell the difference between the natural disaster we experienced and what we see on tv, so it triggers the past trauma.
And this is a BIGGIE: Another affect of repeated abuse is that it causes the brain to not be able to see all the choices available to us. How many of us have said we walk around in a fog? Or that we just can't make up our minds about leaving? Or we want to leave, we know it's best to leave, bu we just can't make ourselves do it? It might just be because the hippocampus is damaged and the continuing exposure to the abuse just doesn't allow us to be able to see the forest for the trees, so to speak.
Once out, after a period of time we begin to see a little more clearly and we understand that it's not good to be around that person. But unless we get appropriate treatment, the hippocampus remains damaged because time alone will NOT heal it. So we still have trouble seeing all of our choices (hence going back or breaking NC). Until we start to heal that part of our brain, we will repeat that pattern.
Here are a couple of links to research about hippocampus
http://www.childtrends.org/?indicators=childrens-exposure-to-violence Note the 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence to end.
http://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/01/science/severe-trauma-may-damage-the-brain-as-well-as-the-psyche.html
The 2nd one was written almost 20 yrs ago and based on what I have recently learned, I disagree w/the following statement:
"The rule of thumb is that no matter what kind of trauma -- an earthquake, combat, rape -- only about 15 percent of victims will get long-lasting, severe post-trauma symptoms," said Dr. Bremner.
What I have found (anecdotally) is that everyone I have worked with hs unhealed trauma. Thats because it either goes untreated and is stuffed, disregarded, discounted or not recognized for what it is (in most of our cases, abuse) OR when it is treated, it is treated ineffectively.
Based on my experience, both lack of treatment & ineffective treatment may very well leave the victim w/long lasting effects, including post traumatic stress symptoms. And that is why I continue to stress individual (and NOT joint) therapy. That therapy should be w/someone who 1. understands the dynamics of abuse (i.e. has more than the typical class in college), and 2. offers more than just the standard talk therapy and/or CBT. IMHO, those two, even when done together, usually only help the client survive, but rarely helps them to truly heal.
Some of the more effective modalities that can help heal this part of the brain as well as the emotional, psychological, and spiritual parts of us are hypnotherapy, EFT and EMDR. The one that was/is most successful for me is heart-centered hypnotherapy, which is a specific type of hypnotherapy ensures a healing in every session. I never leave a session feeling as bad as or worse than, I did when I came in. I always feel at least a little better when I leave.
Of course, there is no one modality fits all. So its important that we each need to find the modality(s) that works best for us. That may take trying several different modalities or a combination of modalities. It also might take seeing different therapists until we find the right one for us.
However, I think it will also help us understand we are not alone is what we have lived.
It was originally aired as a Ted Talk and then rebroadcast on NPR. This is the youtube link: .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo
She uses her own story to narrate the cycle of abuse and some ways victims are subtly threatened, as well as how it progresses to violence, and how she lived with & reacted to it. She was describing many of our experiences. At approx 10:15 she begins to answer the question 'why does she stay?' & at 11:00 she answers 'why doesn't she just leave?'
After you watch it, come back and read the following which explains in a little more depth why we stay and why we go back...
There are studies that started out looking at how children witnessing repeated abuse suffered brain damage. There are now studies that show the same for adults.
The brain damage I'm referring to is the shrinking (of as much as 20%) of the hippocampus.
When I heard one of my teachers speak about how abuse damages the brain, everything clicked!
The hippocampus is the part of the brain that, among other things, date/time stamps important events & plays a part in decision making. When a single "big T trauma" (like physical or sexual violence) or repeated "little t traumas" (like verbal abuse) occur, the hippocampus shrinks and essentially gets all goofed up. For example a woman is married to a kind non-abusive man. One day she is physically attacked on the street by a stranger. That attack would normally be considered a "big T trauma." That would be enough to affect the hippocampus. So then, some time later, even years later, when her loving husband comes up behind her (in the privacy of their own home) and puts his arms around her or kisses her cheek from behind, she jerks away from him in fear. What is happening is that her hippocampus remembers the attack but is messed up because it doesn't remember it happened in the past. It thinks it is happening right then. She is reacting to that "big T trauma."
The same thing happens to the brain when we are repeatedly physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally or spiritually abused. And, the same thing happens to the brain if we just witness abuse or any other kind of trauma repeatedly.
It also can happen if we experience a natural disaster. Later when we see tv coverage of a different natural disaster (doesn't even have to be the same kind), we will more than likely react to that 'trigger.' At that point, its very possible that the brain can't tell the difference between the natural disaster we experienced and what we see on tv, so it triggers the past trauma.
And this is a BIGGIE: Another affect of repeated abuse is that it causes the brain to not be able to see all the choices available to us. How many of us have said we walk around in a fog? Or that we just can't make up our minds about leaving? Or we want to leave, we know it's best to leave, bu we just can't make ourselves do it? It might just be because the hippocampus is damaged and the continuing exposure to the abuse just doesn't allow us to be able to see the forest for the trees, so to speak.
Once out, after a period of time we begin to see a little more clearly and we understand that it's not good to be around that person. But unless we get appropriate treatment, the hippocampus remains damaged because time alone will NOT heal it. So we still have trouble seeing all of our choices (hence going back or breaking NC). Until we start to heal that part of our brain, we will repeat that pattern.
Here are a couple of links to research about hippocampus
http://www.childtrends.org/?indicators=childrens-exposure-to-violence Note the 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence to end.
http://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/01/science/severe-trauma-may-damage-the-brain-as-well-as-the-psyche.html
The 2nd one was written almost 20 yrs ago and based on what I have recently learned, I disagree w/the following statement:
"The rule of thumb is that no matter what kind of trauma -- an earthquake, combat, rape -- only about 15 percent of victims will get long-lasting, severe post-trauma symptoms," said Dr. Bremner.
What I have found (anecdotally) is that everyone I have worked with hs unhealed trauma. Thats because it either goes untreated and is stuffed, disregarded, discounted or not recognized for what it is (in most of our cases, abuse) OR when it is treated, it is treated ineffectively.
Based on my experience, both lack of treatment & ineffective treatment may very well leave the victim w/long lasting effects, including post traumatic stress symptoms. And that is why I continue to stress individual (and NOT joint) therapy. That therapy should be w/someone who 1. understands the dynamics of abuse (i.e. has more than the typical class in college), and 2. offers more than just the standard talk therapy and/or CBT. IMHO, those two, even when done together, usually only help the client survive, but rarely helps them to truly heal.
Some of the more effective modalities that can help heal this part of the brain as well as the emotional, psychological, and spiritual parts of us are hypnotherapy, EFT and EMDR. The one that was/is most successful for me is heart-centered hypnotherapy, which is a specific type of hypnotherapy ensures a healing in every session. I never leave a session feeling as bad as or worse than, I did when I came in. I always feel at least a little better when I leave.
Of course, there is no one modality fits all. So its important that we each need to find the modality(s) that works best for us. That may take trying several different modalities or a combination of modalities. It also might take seeing different therapists until we find the right one for us.
You are always thoughtful,
articulate, informative and
supportive.
This particular post
is a MUST READ.
Thank you for
your contributions here.
Love and blessings.
i don't bring up my abuser w/ my counselor so it feels like a waste of time, since she says that she feels like she goes around in circles w/ me bcz in the past i have gone back w/ my abuser many times. the women's shelter closed my case bcz i hadn't contacted them soon enough after completing a women's trauma program. currently, i feel symptoms of ptsd and depression, however i'm feeling better than i have in a while...so perhaps there is hope with counseling. it would be as easy as calling the women's shelter and reopening my case.
if and when at your convienence, is their anything that perhaps i could read on my own?
currently, i just spend too much time in bed and doing the bare minimum. it would be nice to have a spark again. going to look up what you listed..EFT, EMDR...hypnotherapy..well...i don't think i cn hpnotiize myself..ha. thanks MTC.
Elena, actually you can hypnotize yourself...sorta kinda. ;-) I can put myself into what they call a dual 'trance state', but only after a few years of therapy. A dual 'trance state' is the exact same state we go into when we pray or meditate or do guided imagery. (hypnotherapy is about getting out of the head and into the subconscious where all the emotions, trauma, etc. is stored.)
I forgot to mention that guided imagery (or guided visualization) is also a very helpful healing tool. For me, therapy was & continues to be a multifaceted process. Hypnotherapy, a little EFT, guided imagery, positive affirmations, journaling, meditation and practicing daily gratitude has moved me along my healing path.
If you have already done some work around your PTSD (and ONLY if you have), then I highly recommend Belleruth Naperstek's PTSD CD. (www.healthjourneys.com). There is a free download for a 15 min. relaxation guided imagery. You can try that first to see if guided imagery is for you. You just have to sign up for her newsletter which you can then unsubscribe to if you don't want to receive it. (FYI, I am in no way associated w/her or her website. I'm just a happy customer.)
The PTSD cd will evoke emotions, even if you've already done some therapy. That is why I don't suggest anyone try it w/o having already done some therapy. And it's always best to check w/your therapist. It has helped me tremendously, as have many of her other guided imagery CDs.
There are lots of 'how to' EFT videos out there, but again, it's important to know which ones are right for you. EFT is something that once you learn (taught by a EFT certified therapist), you can do on your own. I haven't done EMDR, but from those I know who have, it's something you only do w/a certified EMDR therapist. For those three modalities, I recommend using only therapist who have extra training and are certified in EFT, EMDR and/or hypnotherapy.
I can't say I know how you feel or why you don't bring up your abuser/abuse in your therapy sessions. But I will bet there is a good reason. Our intuition (what most of us refer to as our gut instinct or our higher self) never leads us in the wrong direction. Sometimes we don't understand why, but it's always best to trust it.
I encourage you to look within and listen to your higher self in order to discover why you aren't bringing up the abuse in therapy. You might need look for a different therapist. Not all therapists are equipped or trained to specialize in recovery from abuse and not all are specifically trained to do hypnotherapy, EFT or EMDR.
What I do know is that the only way to heal is to deal with it. i.e. in order to get past the pain, we have to go thru it. A good therapist will help you with that. Ignoring it or brushing it off won't heal. That only causes it to fester and immobilize us. However, we don't have to suffer while healing. Yes, we'll feel the pain, but in doing that, it will allow us to release it. Again, a good therapist will help w/that & make sure we do it safely.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
peace