Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is going round and round on my head..
My husband and I have a lot of history, plenty of hurt and all the usual baggage. He often gets very down and depressed over what his life and our relationship could have been. At those times he tells me everything I have done to him and how he feels to be with me ( ouch!) In response to him I apologize for what I have done and for the hurt I have caused him.
.He gets angry about this... According to him it is not enough to do this, I should be coming to him before he brings it up and making things right with him because this is what you do in relationships.
Trouble is, if I ever try to do this he gets angry, raises his voice at me and tells me over again everything I have done ...it is so hard for me to even contemplate talking to him about things
In addition, I now feel pressured and obliged to talk to him about everything I have done because he has told me I have to. It won't be genuine or from my heart and it will be done with fear and trepidation not with love or compassion.
I have asked him to come to counseling so we can talk thru some of the difficult issues in a safe environment but he refuses
...
Any thoughts?
My husband and I have a lot of history, plenty of hurt and all the usual baggage. He often gets very down and depressed over what his life and our relationship could have been. At those times he tells me everything I have done to him and how he feels to be with me ( ouch!) In response to him I apologize for what I have done and for the hurt I have caused him.
.He gets angry about this... According to him it is not enough to do this, I should be coming to him before he brings it up and making things right with him because this is what you do in relationships.
Trouble is, if I ever try to do this he gets angry, raises his voice at me and tells me over again everything I have done ...it is so hard for me to even contemplate talking to him about things
In addition, I now feel pressured and obliged to talk to him about everything I have done because he has told me I have to. It won't be genuine or from my heart and it will be done with fear and trepidation not with love or compassion.
I have asked him to come to counseling so we can talk thru some of the difficult issues in a safe environment but he refuses
...
Any thoughts?
it's because it's crazymaking.
everyone reads it, gets confused, then can't answer you.
I've read this over several times and can't make heads nor tails of it.
and that's because it's his crazymaking, in a post!
I read this, and I think of all the crazymaking my husband does.
it's just...
well........
it's crazy...
there's no winning...
no winning AT ALL with them.
no one wins in crazyland.
everyone loses.
He is a master manipulator. If you apologize you do it wrong, say it too late, you do not say the correct words, with the correct emphasis, with enough sincerity, do not ever feel HIS pain enough, cannot ever know the depth of HIS hurt. You did not say it when you should have. You cannot win within HIS thinking. You cannot be forgiven within HIS mindset. He can only hold onto the mistakes, the errors, the infractions, the problems, the trouble, the hassles, the difficulties, hurts. He believes that you are the source, the reason for all of this. He cannot let go of anything. He is mindmessing with you big time. He is a big tall male grown up with a mean, vindictive cruel selfish toddler mentality. It is a narcissist abusive deal. I am not a diagnostician here. I don't know precisely his absolute condition. In reality it does not matter. What does matter is your quality of life. The quality of life of your child as well. (or children)
What always strikes me as interesting about abusers is that they attribute us as being very powerful regarding their feelings, their world. That is why they must strip us down, isolate us, take away our self-esteem, drive, accomplishments, place in the world. They want to demean, hurt, and belittle. I don't know that they love anyone or anything other than themselves. Sometimes I wonder if they are even capable of self-love.
I would suggest that you go to a counselor for you, just for you. I don't think he wants to give up keeping you isolated in a corner or on the naughty mat...he likes abusing you my dear, he doesn't want that exposed in therapy...go to therapy for you!
Now on a new path, I am rebuilding my support team if you will with people who are nurturing, caring, loving, kind, tactful, gentle...take care...hugs...wishing you well
You are with an abuser.
This is what abusers do.
Couple counseling will
NOT HELP
abusive relationships.
It makes things WORSE
and PUTS THE VICTIM
IN DANGER.
Your abuser will continue to abuse you
as long as you're together with him.
I hope you love yourself
enough to
decide to terminate
your toxic relationship
sooner than later.