Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My socalled boyfriend said he was coming over to spend the night with me. He said this two weeks ago and we set up a date 10am Saturday to 6am Sunday. Well on the day he turned up at 10am left at 1pm to have a sleep, came back at 4pm played games on the computer and then left for the day on Saturday. As I write this I can already see the answer...I am just stupid for believing him?? Is he witholding sex to gain power over me? Not really sure. He is very abusive and critical all the time and I've been lately refusing to let it get to me. I am half laughing at his antics and crying at the same time. Any suggestions will be great. My friends don't like him so maybe they are right.
without worse things
happening.
You say you're a student.
Colleges have counseling
departments available to
tuition-paying students.
Visit that office and start
talking to a counselor
about why this kind of
pattern keeps repeating
in your life.
The fact that you feel
compelled to mention
that when he picked
up his stuff, he told
you that there are
"no hard feelings"
makes me wonder
if you're still caring
about what he thinks,
feels or says. At this
point, why would
anything related to
him be of interest
to you? You shared
up front with us that
he was critical all the
time and, in your own
words, abusive.
I hope that now that
this situation appears
to have concluded,
you'll explore within
yourself, whatever
it is that inclines
you to be vulnerable
to critical and abusive
partners.
Take good care.
Sending hugs
and wishes for
healing and
better days ahead.
Well you were right Sockittome, he was just waiting for me to let down my guard. Today is Mothers day in Aussie and I was feeling pretty low because my children dont contact me (long story) and my mother spends the day with my sister and her kids. Anyway he knocked on the door with lunch including dessert for me. So how could I say no to that? We talked okay together for about an hour and a half and I thought maybe we can just be friends. Anyway next thing he brought in his ipad with porn on it for me to watch. I didn't know how to say no because I was scared he'd go home and I'd be left alone again. This porn thing went on for a couple of hours but I just flatly refused to have sex with him which was basically acting out what was on the porn thing he liked. I said that his idea of a list of things to do to him made me feel like a whore. He also said that he wasn't abusive because he didn't hit me or rape me. He said he wasn't treating me like a whore. All this has just confused and upset me. He ended up leaving after I showed no interest in the porn and said I thought it was degrading to women what he was showing me. I now feel abnormal because he said that the women on there seemed to be enjoying it. Am I abnormal? I know I said we were over but I suppose he wielded his charm over me. Having wierd sex though is now a boundary for me.
You're not abnormal
but you are in desperate
need of help to build
some healthy boundaries.
""""""""""""""""Anyway he knocked on the door with lunch including dessert for me. So how could I say no to that?""""""""""""""""""""
That's PRECISELY what
you need to learn how
to do. An abuser with
lunch (even with desert),
is just another
evil queen at the
door with a poison
apple. . . . just for you.
Please. . . . . . I implore you.
Find a therapist who can help
you learn how to do that.
If you don't, you will continue
to be vulnerable to this abusive
a__h__e and any other malicioius
predator who crosses your path
and decides that with no boundaries
to protect you, you're low hanging fruit. . . .
easy pickings.
So. . . . . he hasn't (yet)
hit you.
Please tell me what
your thought was/is
when he told you that
he's not abusive and
he's not treating you
like a whore. Did you
or are you believ(ing)
him?
Please, Sweetie. . . . .
please take one tiny
step forward. Find
yourself a qualified
therapist and begin
doing the work of
learning how to
build boundaries.
Till you do, your
life belongs to
others. . . . to
anyone who wants
to live off your
life force, leaving
you with nothing
for yourself.
I'm trying to imagine
what I can say to attempt
to move you from where
you are right now to a
healthy (healthier) place.
First, a question:
Why would you want to
stay "friends" with this
asshole who takes
delight and satisfaction
in abusing you?
Would you want to
"just drop in for a
visit" to a toxic waste
dump?
But, following that thought. . . .
it's not possible to be
"just friends" with an
abuser. An abuser
can no more be friends
with anyone than he or
she can be an intimate
partner.
"""""""Now I can't do anything except try and figure out what game he is playing this time or what led him to be so nasty."""""""""""
Two things here. The
first is. . . . let me save
you a lifetime of time
and grief. The "game"
he's playing is the same
as the game he's' always
played and the game he
always will play. He is a
profoundly damaged
individual. (This typically
happens at a very early
age in a dysfuncitonal
family of origin.) The
fact that he was damaged
in his family of origin is
not his fault but it's his
responsibility to work
on his issues so he
doesn't do further
damage to himself
and others.
The "game" he plays
is to achieve power
and control (to compensate
for how weak and powerless
he was when he was
abused in his childhood).
In the act of achieving
power over someone
he needs a victim to
subjugate. As long
as you engage with
him, that victim is
YOU.
What led him to be
so nasty is that you
have a history of
subjugating your own
will and preferences
to accommodate him.
You have shown him
over and over that you
will toss out your
self-determiniation to
be a part of his fantasy
of domination.
This is a nutshell tutorial
on why he is who he is
today and why he does
what he does.
I took the time to write
this so that there's a
chance what I'll say
next will make sense.
As long as your focus is
on analyzing him and
his emotional injury(ies),
you will continue to be
a fly caught in his web
instead of the strong,
happy, self-fulfilled
woman taking care
of the business of
her own life and not
the continually controlled
and abused victim of a
dysfunctional predator.
I urge you in the strongest
terms possible to search
for and find a qualified
therapist in the area of
recovery from abuse.
Begin and then continue
working with this counselor
for as long as it takes to
come to a place of insight
and functionality in regards
to being safe and happy
in your interpersonal life.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and healing.
Get into a group.
Get a psychologist
who who SPECIALIZES
in RECOVERY FROM ABUSE.
Yes to anything that
supports your growth
and RECOVERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Talking to him even one
word more is EXACTLY
what will keep you a
squirming, helpless,
ready-to-eat fly
in his web.)
Sooner or later this guy is going to get a visit from the police. You don't want to be there when that happens.
Buy yourself lunch, dessert and throw in some flowers too. Alone in your townhouse, is better than alone in jail.
Do the right thing for yourself. Visit your domestic
Violence shelter for support to get yourself healthy
and To Learn how to self protect from attracting
Predators and keeping them out of your life.
Big warm hug
((((( sweetchick ))))