Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My socalled boyfriend said he was coming over to spend the night with me. He said this two weeks ago and we set up a date 10am Saturday to 6am Sunday. Well on the day he turned up at 10am left at 1pm to have a sleep, came back at 4pm played games on the computer and then left for the day on Saturday. As I write this I can already see the answer...I am just stupid for believing him?? Is he witholding sex to gain power over me? Not really sure. He is very abusive and critical all the time and I've been lately refusing to let it get to me. I am half laughing at his antics and crying at the same time. Any suggestions will be great. My friends don't like him so maybe they are right.
Well, considering that:
""""""""""""""He is very abusive and critical all the time"""""""""""""""
the answer to your question
is unequivocally. . . . . . YES. . . . .
although it seems, sadly,
like he already has power
over you.
Why are you refusing
to let it get to you? It
would seem that
calling his abuse
"antics" and trying
to laugh it off is less
a courageous attempt
to make a relationship
work than attempting to
be in denial that you're
being treated with
outrageious disrespect
within the context of
what's supposed to
be a loving, supportive
connection.
Please make a visit
right away to your
nearest women's
aide centre, and
make use of the
support they have
to offer, there.
Further, your friends
are apparently seeing
him far more clearly
than you are. They're
the ones who love
you. Listen to them.
In addition, confusion
is the HALLMARK of
abuse. It's what abusers
intentionally create to keep
their victims off balance.
A person who is calm,
centered and seeing
things clearly, is more
likely to take care of
her/him self.
Finally. . . . . . if he
is critical and abusive
"all the time" . . . . . . .
and now he's also
withholding sex. . . . . .
what's the appeal?
The person whose love
would be most the essential
to you is. . . . . YOUR OWN.
Please love yourself
enough to throw this
dysfunctionall a__h___e
back. Keep in mind
that the longer you
stay together with
him, the worse his
abuse (they are NOT
"antics." They are
abusive actions),
will become.
Please love yourself
and take care of yourself.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and healing.
How much longer do you want to spend your precious life with someone person who treats you like this?
Please reach out to your local women's shelter and ask them to help you make a SAFE plan to extricate yourself from the relationship. Also ask them to refer you to a qualified therapist who understands the dynamics and affects of abuse (sadly not all therapists do). A good therapist will help you to regain your self esteem & help you to learn to set and keep healthy boundaries. And most importantly to help you find the love inside of you for YOU.
Please take good care of yourself!
~healing hugs~
Considering his behavior on the day he did spend with you...I'd also wonder if he's in another relationship.
Hugs, I'm sorry. I too have kissed a few frogs. I think it's time to give up on this one.
The answer I'm afraid is NOT going to be trying not to let it get to you. You can't stop an emotion from occurring-they will occur anyway. It is right and normal to feel hurt or anger when someone is mistreating you. You can stuff feelings away, you can create emotional distance. But that will have a negative effect, as it would on anyone. Those stuffed emotions are going to TRY to get out in the form of anxiety, depression, becoming passive aggressive, or lashing out when you don't expect it. Those are the kinds of things that occur from trying to laugh it off or minimize the feelings that come about from abuse. That might help cope in the moment but it doesn't solve anything. It just allows those feelings to build up more and more.
You described abuse. It is not in your imagination. You are not being over sensitive. You deserve better.
Thanks for all your advice. I know I have a problem with boundaries so I'll talk to my psychiatrist. I'll also look up somewhere I can talk to a woman about the abuse I'm experiencing. I've been in this relationship 2 years and it has got worse over time. He's actually 60 and seems to have honed his skills on controlling women. I'm in tears as I write this. Luckily he doesn't live with me. Its a horrible situation.
he doesn't live with
you.
You have observed
that over the two years
his abuse has gotten
worse. That's the
typical progression.
If you maintain the relationship,
you can almost put money on
the probability that the abuse
will continue to get worse and
worse.
Learning to love ourself
takes time. Only a few
parents know how to
teach this, so it falls
to us as adults to
learn to care for
ourself as if we
were our own
children.
Don't beat yourself up
for past decisions. Just
make decisions going
forward that demonstrate
you know the value of
your precious spirit and
your irreplaceable life.
It's never too late to learn
this. Most of us on the
healing journey, have to
get support of some kind
to do this.
Please take good care
of yourself.
If he's not interested in two years, he'll never be interested.
Hugs,
Patti
It is not normal for a "boyfriend" to make an appointment to spend the night with you in two weeks, from a specific time to a specific time.
This person will always bring you stress, disorder, and a feeling of insecurity.
He is using you.
normal behavior. . . . . .
. . . . for an ABUSER.
Please don't be confused.
When you're using the
computer, do you try
to do a "spell check"
with a calculator?
Of course not.
A calculator can't
comprehend your
word processing
to find misspellings.
Your spell checker
can't calculate your
number columns.
An abuser can't be
a friend to anyone,
and certainly not an
intimate companion.
Think about it.
Would any friend
you know arrive at
your house and
demand a list of
what you're going
to do for them?
If they did, what would
you be thinking or
feeling?
You're looking for
things from this
individual that he's
incapable of providing.
(You know, the old
saying? You can't
get blood from a
stone.)
Please look beyond
your confusion
(which is caused by
the difference between
what you imagined
could be and what
he's actually showing
you) ---- and see
what he's actually
showing you.
He's demonstrating
with crystal clarity
that he's a
narcissistic abuser.
(Not all abusers
are narcissists
but all narcissists
are totally self-centered
and on the spectrum of
narcissistic behavior,
roughly half of those are
personality disordered
abusers.)
You identify yourself
on this forum as a
"sweet chick." I'm
sure you are. Predators
hunt for really sweet
people who crave
connection and affection.
Then they use that desire
for connection and
affection to (emotionally)
hold their victim hostage.
That's what he's doing
to you.
Please try to see
that all he will ever
give you back is
heartache, misery
and on-going
suffering.
Narcissistic abusers
are like emotional vampires.
They attach to a victim
they've chosen for the
victim's deliciously
sweet blood
and then they
drain their victim's
life force,
leaving a shriveled shell
of the person they hunted
down. When there's
nothing more to nourish
them, they move on to
their next victim.
Please muster your
clarity and your strength
and SAVE YOURSELF.
The longer you leave
him attached and
sucking your life force,
the harder it will be
to shake him off
and do what it takes
to heal and recover.
((((( sweetchick ))))