It's funny how one text message can change everything. I was sitting at a party with my fiancee and our friends, planning our wedding. We were dreaming about our future and remodeling the house we just bought. We were talking about babies and life together. I was laughing and I was truly, genuinely happy.
"I miss you, honestly." That is all it took for me to lose years of progress recovering from an abusive relationship.
One text message from my ex and I feel myself slipping back into a person that I never wanted to be again. I find myself wanting to be with a man who has done nothing but destroy me every chance he has ever gotten. "I miss you" is all it took to make me doubt myself. Those words playing on repeat in my head. The anger and betrayal and the hurt has slipped away. The walls I've built have fallen. He is back and I don't know if I'm strong enough to not let him back in.
Unfortunately, I don't feel I am a nice person. It makes me sad, honestly. Part of me wishes I could be. I wish I could have that perfect balance of nice but able to clearly define boundaries. I hate being a misanthrope, but I refuse to be a lovey-dovey little pushover who lets everyone do whatever the hell they want, because that's bullshit. I wish I could have faith in mankind again, and I wish...
Many years ago today. Autumn day with golden leaves falling. Cloudy with a chill to the breeze. He was gentle but firm. I don't think I blushed or anything. Just lost my breath. Why do I still remember every detail? Does anyone else remember?