Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My 12 year old son is a sensitive, bright, witty, imaginative boy. He also internalized his feelings and has difficulty expressing them. He struggles to make friends at school as he finds it hard to relate to his peers. He relates well to adults and has lengthy, intelligent conversations with grown ups. He gets depressed easily and the lack of friends at school gets him down. He would love friends but doesn't really know how to go about it. He is 'different' in many ways and tends to get picked on and ostracized because of it.
My H ( his dad) sees this and tries to help. His way of 'helping' is to lecture the boy for 1-2 hours til he is in tears, yell at him and basically tell him he needs to get his act together in the friend making department.
My son does not respond well to lectures and shouting, it just makes him feel worse about everything and he tends to crumble under pressure. Now he has no friends and an earful of criticism to go with it. My H said he would take our son camping next weekend but only if he comes up with 5 strategies for 'making friend's by tomorrow. So he feels totally stressed and pressured.
What does anyone think of this? I am sure my H thinks he is helping but I am very concerned for my son. I know he will stuff all his feelings about being yelled at inside and try to please his dad but I fear the long term effects it is having on him. I fear that he will 'fail' at making friends and end up feeling more depressed and scared of the consequences.
Should a child be given that amount of pressure to do something, even if it is something that will be good for him?
At the moment I feel like leaving and taking my son but I know this is not the best option. I feel that I need to be brave enough to confront my H but I don't feel safe doing this on my own. Any advice?
My H ( his dad) sees this and tries to help. His way of 'helping' is to lecture the boy for 1-2 hours til he is in tears, yell at him and basically tell him he needs to get his act together in the friend making department.
My son does not respond well to lectures and shouting, it just makes him feel worse about everything and he tends to crumble under pressure. Now he has no friends and an earful of criticism to go with it. My H said he would take our son camping next weekend but only if he comes up with 5 strategies for 'making friend's by tomorrow. So he feels totally stressed and pressured.
What does anyone think of this? I am sure my H thinks he is helping but I am very concerned for my son. I know he will stuff all his feelings about being yelled at inside and try to please his dad but I fear the long term effects it is having on him. I fear that he will 'fail' at making friends and end up feeling more depressed and scared of the consequences.
Should a child be given that amount of pressure to do something, even if it is something that will be good for him?
At the moment I feel like leaving and taking my son but I know this is not the best option. I feel that I need to be brave enough to confront my H but I don't feel safe doing this on my own. Any advice?
He is almost 11 and his abuse from his dad was around age 5. He never wet the bed prior to that, was fully trained...
Kids who are stuck in abusive homes end up internalizing their feelings the way your son is doing until those feelings are so overwhelming, the only way to deal with them is by chronic anger, cutting or suicide. They end up with a personality disorder because of it.
Possum, I hope you don't think we are attacking you. We know how hard this is, and most of us will happily admit we stayed way too long with our abusers and worry about the effect that had on our kids. Kicking my ex out was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, but I had to do it to protect my son.
It's obvious from what you write that you love your son. But you have been so beaten down by this man that it's hard to know which way is up, nearly impossible to trust your own judgment on anything, including what's best for you or your son. But the truth is, your gut is never wrong. You said in your original post that you fear the long term effects your H is having on your son, you said that you felt like leaving and taking your son. That really is the only way to truly protect your son. You wouldn't let your son play in a lion's cage, don't make him live with a soul destroyer.
He has made his position clear - he thinks yelling and swearing at you and your son is a perfectly healthy way to express emotion and he has no interest in hearing otherwise. He will not stop, he will not change his ways, because he sees nothing to change. So either you accept the damage that he will do to your son, or YOU have to make the changes.